Another story about loving the best friend

Hello everybody,

I know this topic is nothing new here, I've read the other discussions, but I decided to start my own thread because there are some problems I need direct advice. This is very long but I felt it was necessary to be detailed. Thank you for your time.

It all started during my first year of university. I moved to another country and was very lonely for the first six months. Around Christmas I met this guy during a class. I had noticed him before, because he too was alone most of the time. We talked together during this class for the first time and he offered me to help me with an assignment I struggled with. I was not very impressed, but I liked him right away. I decided to start a friendship with him and here things started to become strange.

He was not very interested, later he told me, that he didn’t wanted to make new friends, because he already had enough of them at home and he was skyping with them every day. Also he drives home every weekend and sees them constantly.
I, in contrast, was starving for new friends because I missed home and tried nevertheless to bring him to do stuff with me outside of class, not with much success. We did go to the cinema once and visited a flea market. It was there I learned he never had a girlfriend, but desperately wanted one, because he had this vision of him as a husband and father. I found this to be stupid, but it was also around this time, I started to feel attracted to him. We often sit together in class, did go shopping afterwards and did skype at least once a week, but it was always me who initiated it. To be honest I really didn’t expect anything to develop out of this.

At the same time I also found new friends and became part of their circle. The more I did with them, the less I missed him. During the great vacation (They last for nearly 3 months were I study) we didn’t wrote at all and I thought he would go back to be a background character in my life.

During the first day of the second year I met him at the campus and things were suddenly different. He was much more open and friendly. After the class we walked home together, because we were kind of neighbors now. Our relationship became much better during the following months and we spent more time together. But things took an unexpected turn, when I invited him to my housewarming party. There he met a female friend of my roommate and mine, who is kind of easy. She was dancing with him and very flirty. I did not like it. He left with her, but only to bring her home. I knew he was a virgin and very insecure so I hoped nothing would happen. But the next day he asked her out, she accepted and we had to search for a cool bar for their first date. Afterwards he told me nothing happened and they would stay friends, because he couldn’t cope with her flirty attitude towards other men. I was calmed and thought the thing was over. My own feelings for him had at this point already transformed to love. I always knew I was bi, but never had fallen in love with a guy before. My friend started to skip class regularly, which was very out of character for him. He told me he was very tired and I thought he lost interest in our study. In reality he had started an affair with the girl. She wanted the relationship to stay a secret, because she was ashamed of him. And I knew she had secret relationships with other boys during this time. The sad thing is I dated her during this time too, partly to know what was between her and my friend, partly because she is sexy and intelligent. I didn’t knew they had an affair, if I had, I would not have dated her. It was her who asked me out.

So while my friend started to make his first romantic and sexual experiences, I felt sometimes really neglected, but because I didn’t knew he wasn’t free, kept trying to spend as much time with him as possible. This worked and our relationship became deeper. Even though she was his top priority, I came in second. He started to stay overnight and sleep in my bed, even though his flat was only three minutes away from mine. After parties I also slept at his place, where we had to share his very small bed. When drunk he did not mind this, but the next morning he would leave the bed and sit beside it, probably because he was uncomfortable to be so close to me. The things we talked about became more intimate and we talked and texted much more often than before. But he did not tell me about his secret relationship.

Around Christmas the girl was getting bored with my friend and started to slowly remove him from her life. He was very depressed about this and turned to me. During the Christmas vacation she banned him totally and we started to write every day, sometimes we wrote each other ones hourly, later skyped daily for hours. I really though he had fallen in love with me too, because by now it was mostly him who contacted me. I longed for the day we would see each other again. This happened on my birthday. He told me he would return a little early to the city we study so we could celebrate it together. We did that. Only the two of us. It was one of the best birthdays I had. Nothing sexual happened, but by then I felt very close to him.

The next day he texted me and told me he was very sad. I offered to visit him and he accepted. He told me that he confronted the girl and she informed him that she did not want to see him anymore. I was so surprised and hurt, but I pushed that aside, because in that moment he needed a friend. He wanted to stay at my place, because he couldn’t be alone. We drank both too much and had to throw up. My friend started to cry. I held him in my arms the whole night. The next two days he also stayed at my place and we cuddled a lot. Honestly it was more me caressing him, but he did not stop me.

He was down the whole month and only slowly moved on. Now he said he did not want a girlfriend. Our relationship was now the closest I had. We texted every night before we did go to bed, told each other what we did during the day, when we did not see each other or simply joked when we did. It was nice but it also left me dry, because I also felt a sexual desire for him. I still caressed him, but less so and he told me to stop in public, because that was “gay”. I always touched him a second time he said that.

One night we went to a party and drank a lot. He started to dance with this girl and later kissed her. I left the party because I could not see them together. At this point I realized that I could not wait for things to develop by themselves. I had to become active. So I told him I was bi and felt more than friendship for him. He said he preferred girls and didn’t felt the same way. I was very sad, but not really surprised. I decided that I would need a little distance so my feelings could disappear. He was very, very upset about this and said I was exactly like the girl who broke his heart. For most of this talk he did not face me, but turned his back at me. I left and traveled to my home country for the weekend.

The problem was we and a few friends of mine were working on an assignment together at this time. He provoked a fight with one of the others and insulted him. This other friend called me to mediate between them, but my friend was not really in the mood he told me. He cursed a lot and then ignored my messages. After the weekend I returned to university, but he didn’t. He was sick and stayed at home for a few days. At his return he ignored me, which was very painful for me. I wrote him to clarify that I didn’t wanted to erase him from my life, just to stop the intense closeness. After this he returned to his normal self and was friendly again to me and the others. He persuade me to meet one afternoon because we had to work on the assignment. Here we learned, that we couldn’t really fight with each other for long. Everything returned to the time before my confession. We did not talk about it.

Then at another party he again kissed a girl. I was very drunk that evening and I completely lost it. I took my drink and poured it all over him, then I stole his jacket and ran away. The next morning I was shocked about myself. I am not an aggressive person, but this man was bringing out emotions I did not knew I had. I wrote him and wanted to meet him. He declined, but not because he did not want to see me, but because he thought I wanted to end our friendship for good. He came to my place when I told him, I didn’t wanted that. He apologized for everything that went wrong and we joked about it after ten minutes! Then we worked on another assignment for the university like nothing happened. Again our relationship return to its normal state. But we decided to not go to parties together anymore. We managed to do that for two weeks.

During the Easter vacation he took me to his hometown where I met his parents and friends. Even though his mother had prepared a guest bed for me, he wanted me to sleep in his bed. At night he rolled on my side and we slept very close, but the next morning he simply rolled back. I stayed a few days then I returned home. That day we had a fight because his friends are idiots and I don’t like them. But at the train station he wanted to hug me. I did not expected that. It was the first time he did that voluntary in the public, because normally he finds it gay when men hug and we only did it when nobody watched.

At another party he started to dance with a girl and I told him he should knew what would happen by now. He really told her to go, but was very unhappy. I was too. I wanted to go, but he did not. So I kissed him on the lips before I left. He did not push me away, but I think he also didn’t return it. (I’m not sure) The rest of the week we did not spoke to each other and didn’t see each other in classes. I thought about what to do. Should I end this relationship or not? I decided to talk to him, so I wrote him to meet me. He said he didn’t wanted to talk but we could meet to do an assignment together. (I know, we have many assignment) We did and he treated me like nothing happened. That’s where I am now.

I am so confused and don’t know what to do. To be honest I don’t think he is gay, maybe bi and in deep denial, but I don’t understand, what happens between us. He is someone who is very bad at talking about his own feelings and is often in denial about his insecurities.
We never talk about my sexuality and I have zero experience with men beside him.

I am very exhausted, because I hate the way our relationship is. I love him very much, but he is also my best friend. I can’t let him go. But sometimes I feel like I should do that to free myself. What are your thoughts about my experience? Can you give me an advice?

 

Thank you Trooper, thank you WhiteShadows,(&&&)

your answers were very important to me and it is very uplifting to know that other people had similar problems too.

This is something I dont understand either. I was surprised when he said we would sleep in the same bed. Is he so stupid? In denial about my feelings for him? Or maybe even sadistic? All of this could be possible.

He doesnt seem to mind us being close as long as we are alone.

When he is not drunk he is very shy.
He told me that he was too afraid to even kiss the girl until she told him to do it.
We were not drunk and alone til my confession. I dont know what would happen if we were.

Maybe at least a part of him wants to know how it would be with me. His friends at his hometown are very homophobic and their opinion is very important to him. They would definitely ditch him if he was not hetero.

Yes maybe this are all signs of his friendly feelings. But he does not hug his other friends and never sleeps with them in the same bed.
The first time we hugged, was at his birthday. He really liked my gift and he said he wanted to hug me, but then he could not do it, because he was too ashamed. Now he does it in public. This is a development.

Then nothing will happen, at least for now.

I am not depressed. I can enjoy life without him. But right now I am still to coward to let him go. I cant give up on the illusion that we will be together soon. I know its stupid.

I told friends of mine how I feel about him. My female friends told me to not expect anything by now, but my straight male friend says he is only waiting for us to become a couple officially.

I would love to read it. Where can I find it?

 

@WhiteShadows: Your story is similar to mine(I can only read the thread "In love with best friend... afraid of losing him: please help". I'm not allowed to access your blog). I can really relate to it. May I ask how you feel now about it?

@DangerAlex: Thank you for your reply.
My friend and me, we wont become a couple. Why he behaves the way he does, I dont know. But I'm sure he doesnt know either.
If he is attracted to men, I hope he will be honest about it one day. But I dont think so. His feelings are as much a mystery to him as they are to me.

I will talk to him next week and will try to have an honest conversation about our relationship. I will tell him, that it is not working the way it is right now and I will probably end it. He is great, but he is not worth all this headache. Two years are enough. Now I should think about me.

Has somebody here experience with such a conversation and can give me tips?

 

@WhiteShadows: I hope I will come to the point where you are now.

@Trooper: I've met him today, not to talk, but because there is still a project for university left we have to do together. It's just so easy between us. It will be difficult to tell him we have to stop seeing each other. I will not simply ignore him, because that would be mean.

But it will forget him. I dated another man on saturday and we planned to meet again.

Thanks to all of you. Communities like this one, where everybody is helpful and friendly, are rare.