My best friend kissed me last week. Now he says we can't be friends anymore. HELP!

Hi everyone, I'm new here but I'm grateful to be able to have a place like this to talk. The past few weeks have been a really hard time for me, and I would love your advice. Apologies in advance for length but it means a lot to me.

Background
We are both in college, and graduating soon (great timing right?) I've been curious (guess you could say bi) since high school, but have never told anyone about it in real life. He and I (along with a couple other guys) have been best friends since starting college. I've always been able to talk to him about stuff, whether it be my self-confidence issues, job stuff, or getting girl advice (I've never really been in a relationship ever).

He's had a girlfriend though for most of his time in college, and I never suspected a thing. In addition, he comes from a very conservative family (as do I), and a few times has been vocally against gay/bi stuff, saying it's wrong in God's eyes.

What Happened
A few weeks prior to this incident, he and one of the other best friends in our group seemed to be pressing me to admit something to them whenever I was drunk. I obviously resisted, even though he occasionally pressed me more and even spanked me once when I was drunk. One time my friend made a passing remark at the bar saying he didn't care if I liked guys, girls or both, as long as I was happy.

Fast forward to last week: a group of us is at his place after getting back from the bars. Eventually they leave and I just decide to stay there and crash (nothing out of the ordinary) because I didn't want to have to get a cab that late. We talk a bit more before he heads to his room. I grab a change of clothes from his room, and we talk some more. Eventually when I start to head to the couch he says it's not a big deal to just sleep in his bed. This is when I know something is off...

I initially just tried to go to sleep, but he then started saying stuff in a hushed voice I couldn't understand at first. He won't repeat them when I ask, so I just brush them off. Eventually I hear him say something along the lines of "You've got to meet me halfway here". At this point I'm shaking uncontrollably in bed, and we have some sort of conversation. Eventually he leans in and kisses me, at which point he says "I knew it".

I then open up to him and talk a bit about each other. He says he's liked me for over a year and has never told anyone about him in person. I'm so confused because he has seemed perfectly happy with his gf, and because this is horrible timing in that we both are starting jobs soon across the country from each other. We then start fooling around (nothing too major), and he eventually says other things like who else he has found attractive in our group of friends, and that he "wants to see me cum". The real kicker is when he says "don't move away"; if I don't already feel confused enough, this is pretty gut wrenching at the time. Like I said, I've never had a relationship before and have never really opened up and made myself vulnerable to anyone before.

We fool around for a good rest of the early morning, and then go to sleep. We wake up several hours later, I have coffee, and then I just go talk to him because he is still in bed. More kissing/naked cuddling then ensues. Eventually he cums and seems to act instantly differently. At that point I had a friend come pick me up, and he says we can never talk about this and no one can know.

Aftermath
Now I completely understand what he meant. Both of us are in very similar situations in that no one knows about either of us. I have no problem not telling anyone. We text like normal the rest of the day (he says we can't mention anything over text either), but then eventually I end up telling him I need to talk the next day about it to clarify everything.

We get together and talk it out. He says that he's thought about it, and he's really in love with his gf and wants to marry her. He says he needed an "anatomical" experience like that to know for sure, but he knows what he wants to do now and says we can never mention it. He's basically saying he now has zero "curious" feelings anymore. He did say if I ever needed to talk about my situation to him that's fine, and that he thinks this experience will actually make us closer friends.

Three days or so pass, and I see him one of them. We go to class together (like we usually do), pick up some school stuff after, and walk back home. All during this we are talking just like before. Everything seemed fine, and while it was a really hard few days to me, I eventually thought I had come to terms with what he wanted. The main thing I wanted was to stay friends, which seemed to be how it would end up.

That was until last night. I'm with a different group of friends hanging out, when I get a text from him. It says something along the lines of, "Hey, I know I said we can still be friends but we can't. I don't want us to talk anymore. I'm not gonna say anything." I then immediately freak out and start shaking (like I had when I was in bed), and have to excuse myself from my friends' hangout. I text him back asking why and if we can talk about it on the phone. I get a reply saying, "Seriously don't talk to me anymore. I'm sorry." Eventually I text back a string of things saying stuff like "I'm so confused, what did I do wrong?", "Things seemed fine, and I was able to get over the other stuff", "There are so many other things changing now that we are finishing school, and I can't handle losing a best friend" and "How am I supposed to act when we are both around our other best friends?"

Eventually he calls me and we talk on the phone. Things didn't go so well. I basically reiterated my points saying I was doing everything he wanted me to, and I had finally come to terms with things. I also said I didn't want to lose him as a friend, and I would rather people know about me than losing our friendship.

That's when he went on the offensive, saying "We obviously have two different ideas of what happened that night. You were the one who came on to me, and I did not reciprocate. Originally he had said he was blackout (he wasn't--he throws up whenever he is) and that the reason he did it was because of that, and he didn't mean any of the things he said to me. Now he's switching his story and trying to make it look like I wouldn't take no for an answer! If you asked any of my friends (including him) about me, they would all know I have never been one to make the first move. In fact, he was the one who a month earlier had said that if I want to have a relationship ever I need to grow a pair and talk to people more. In addition, it literally took him 30-45 minutes that first night to coax anything out of me and get me to open up.

In addition, he said that if I kept contacting him there would be "consequences" and that it would be his word against mine.

At this point I'm so confused. The timing couldn't be worse, as I leave at the end of the month for a job and probably won't see him (or my other best friends) for a while. I'm not sure why he's lashing out like this, but I can't bear to lose him as a friend. The group of all of us always hangs out and that's going to make things so hard/awkward. In addition, I feel horrible that I helped him cheat. He and his gf will be a long distance apart as well in a few months, and it seems like he is holding on to her thinking that it will keep any lingering feelings from arising again.

What do you all think? It seems like I'm going to have to give him some alone time, but given that we will be far away I'm worried that I will literally never talk to him again

 

Re: My best friend kissed me last week. Now he says we can't be friends anymore. HELP

Thanks for the reply! I certainly would hate for that to happen, but like you said it wouldn't be the end of the world. My main concern is that it's not just us. We hang out all as a bigger group, and I am going to be seeing them from time to time and staying in contact with them. Since that's the case it's only a matter of time before we cross paths, and I just don't know what I would do in that situation.

At the same time though, of all the best friends in our "group", I would say we were the closest. We played sports together, talked about almost anything, worked on projects/studied together, and helped each other through rough times. It would kill me to know that he can't talk to me about an issue this important. After all, that's what friends are for.

 

Re: My best friend kissed me last week. Now he says we can't be friends anymore. HELP

I think it's also more of an issue in that I feel really used. Like I confided in him and talked about it, since we talk about everything. And he even said it would bring us closer as friends, so it just feels like I've run into a brick wall at like 100mph. I've invested so much time in my friendship with him and the other guys that it doesn't seem possible to just be able to let it go that easily.

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm deflecting. I really do know what you're saying, it's just hard to accept and I don't like not knowing what will happen. I'm the sort of person that likes to confront problems, and it doesn't seem like he wants to.

 

Re: My best friend kissed me last week. Now he says we can't be friends anymore. HELP

I'm a bit confused now. What do you mean they all won't react this way? I mean it's not like I just told my friend about me. He kissed ME and I was never suspecting him to have similar feelings! It's not like that's going to happen with any of my other friends lol.

 

Re: My best friend kissed me last week. Now he says we can't be friends anymore. HELP

The reason I posted this thread though was to see why he's acting this way. I'm not concerned about my other friends and what would or wouldn't happen. I'm saying that he was the one who kissed me, and I opened up to him. He obviously has the same feelings, but for some reason is pushing me away. I don't think he's doing that because of anything I told him, but more about his own feelings. I'm not sure what to do.

Sorry, just wanted to clarify. I'm not trying to get advice as to what my other friends would think if they find out about me. I only mentioned them all because no matter how much he doesn't want to see me, I'm still going to be seeing them, and he probably will be too, so it's only a matter of time before we cross paths again.

 

Re: My best friend kissed me last week. Now he says we can't be friends anymore. HELP

See I think my concern with that is that at this point. He doesn't want to hear from me at all, much less hear me telling him what he should/shouldn't do about his current relationship, you know?

I'm doing my best to handle things, and honestly if I could go back I just would have never responded to his attempts at getting me to say something. It's not worth forever losing a friendship, and that's what I'm deathly afraid of!

 

Re: My best friend kissed me last week. Now he says we can't be friends anymore. HELP

When/how would I tell him that? First, I doubt he would even think about telling her anything about this. Second, I'm just afraid of what he said about me coming on to him, and if he actually believes that was what happened. If he said it was "his word vs. mine", I'm afraid that if I keep contacting him he may lash out even more. It seems like he's in a tough situation right now too.

 

Re: My best friend kissed me last week. Now he says we can't be friends anymore. HELP

Thanks so much for your advice on this. I think it makes a lot of sense. While I certainly felt something then, it was never very realistic, and I think the hardest part of all this is the friend-related stuff. We shared so many times/experiences together along with our other two friends, and it's extremely difficult to just see that vanish in the future.

It might just be me being overdramatic, but it sort of feels like you had a disagreement with a loved one and then they die before you can resolve it. Never being able to talk to them again just hurts

 

Re: My best friend kissed me last week. Now he says we can't be friends anymore. HELP

Thanks for your advice. I just had a quick question though about your response. So it's him and I and two other guys. I was thinking about maybe telling at least one of them that I may be bi. How do you think this would affect the main guy?

On one hand, I think it could help in that if my other friends are accepting, that might relieve him. On the other hand though, I'm afraid that he may see it as me going on the offensive and trying to put pressure on him. If that's the case, I'm afraid he may then tell my friends his version of the story. I honestly don't know who my friends would believe in that situation. He does have the gf which could be an advantage, but I try not to thing about that scenario happening.

Also, on an unrelated note, when you said not-to-distant future, how long did you mean? I know you aren't a psychic (lol), but were you thinking of a specific range?