So I came out to my parents last week and left them to mull it over for a week. Come back this weekend and had a chat with my mum (who, by this point, was far more calm and accepting about it). However, given how well she knows me and how she knew my childhood etc., she knew exactly what to say to make my resolve waver. Hence my post here. Basically, I'm now asking myself hundreds of questions and going round in circles, so I'm hoping that someone might be able to offer some meaningful advice and so on. The back story: I'd been fantasising about guys for a good few years before I ever mustered up the courage to actually hook up with a guy. Prior to that, I'd had a couple of sexual encounters with women but one in particular was horrific (drunken night, you know the rest). Following a collection of events over time (one very close friendship destroyed by bitchiness and another incident involving me having to take two housemates to court), I finally decided "screw it" and started looking to meet up with a guy. I ended up doing it online and met a guy for an afternoon and we did the deed. It was meh, so I carried on looking. The next person I met was breathtaking (to the extent I couldn't believe he actually agreed to meet up with me). We clicked, so we met a couple more times, and I began to find myself warming to him. Significantly. I began to then question whether I was actually gay, not straight. Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, I flew out to meet this person (who is now my boyfriend), and I decided that yes, I was content with that. BUT. The point my mother (rather brutally) made was whether the reason I have fallen for this guy is because he is the first *person* (regardless of gender) who has genuinely made me feel happy and attractive. I had a tough time in high school and it was only really during college that I began to come into my own. As a result, I guess that when I came to uni I was rather naive. Mum's question to me was whether I jumped at the first person who showed interest in me. When I'm with my partner, I feel genuinely happy. We talk pretty much all day, every day (via text and pictures to each other), we skype on weekends and we continuously reinforce how much we love each other. But he lives on the other side of the world now (and has done for 9 months), and although he is trying to get back to the UK (which is a sign of how committed he is), it's going to be a while. So there's another question there - how long can I wait? How long should I wait? Is he *the one*? I can't answer that. And it bothers me. He's my first true romantic attachment (other partner was more of a "let's try a relationship rather than f-buddies"), but I've never met anyone like him. I've rambled a lot here, so I'm sorry. But I guess to bring it to an easy to read conclusion, I guess I'm asking what you think to the following questions: 1) Does it sound like I've just clung to the first ray of light I found and closed my eyes to seeing anything else? 2) Long distance - how long do you wait before it can't work? 3) I guess the biggest question that my mother's question has sparked in me is am I truly gay? Am I committed to that? Or have I just been pushed into it by my experiences and not given the "straight life" enough of a chance? I've never met anyone (man or woman) who makes me feel like I do when I'm with my partner, but does that mean that I would never find another person like him? I don't know :help:
As long as the person you are with is treating you with love and respect, why does their gender matter? Honestly, this sounds more like your mom grasping at straws than any sort of useful or relevant question (on her part that is - I understand it is of some importance to you). Do you think she would be asking this question if you were with a woman instead of a man? Of course she wouldn't. The context reveals the motivation and it is not (I'm sorry to say) concern for your happiness and well-being even if she may genuinely have convinced herself that it is. I had a really really crappy childhood filled with family dysfunction usually only seen on a soap opera. In all likelihood that led to me sometimes forming relationships with guys (one in particular) who didn't treat me the way I deserved and then putting up with it far longer than I should have. But regardless, they were all guys - women never blipped my radar and I never had any kind of negative relationship with a woman to drive me toward guys. Until one or both of you are no longer able to handle it being long distance. The exact duration will be a variable based on the two of you. There is no universal standard to go by on this. As mentioned above, if he makes you happy and treats you with love and respect - who cares what his gender is? I don't know if you're gay or bi or pan or Martian. And I think the issue is irrelevant. Follow your heart and do what feels right to you and makes you happy. If that turns out to be being with this guy (or guys in general if this relationship doesn't work out for some reason), then neither your mother nor anyone else has the right to try to make you change. Frankly, it's none of their damn business. This above all things: To thine own self be true (Shakespeare - naturally). Could you ever find another person like him (or more generally could you ever fall in love with another person if this relationship doesn't work out)? Statistically, I would say yes, because it is not that uncommon for people to divorce and remarry or be widowed and then remarry. Or at least form long term relationships in which love is involved. But again, that's just speaking statistically. In terms of what you should do in regards to this relationship or how you should live your life, it's fairly meaningless. Speaking personally - I was in two fairly long term relationships before I met my partner. One was a dating relationship that lasted around a year and then ended very amicably (he's met my current partner and we still exchange Xmas cards). The other lasted 3yrs and ended...not amicably. My partner and I met some time after both of these and have been together for over 17yrs now You can't know for certain that your relationship with this guy will work out to be a lifelong one. But you can know for certain that it will NOT work out to be anywhere near that long if you listen to people trying to get you to give up on it before you've even really tried to make it work. Best to you and your guy, Todd:smilewave
Ask your mom if she really thinks she would have been in a relationship with the first person who really showed an interest in her, regardless of their gender. Ask her when did she make a decision to be sexually attracted to men.
Thanks Todd, that really helped. On the first point, I still notice women and do think sometimes "she looks pretty nice", but because I'm in this long distance relationship currently, I don't do anything more because I know I've got someone waiting for me on the other side of the world. Having slept on it, I'm still wondering about this long distance matter. It's been 9 months since he moved away and we've seen each other 2 times since then. Two times. We talk more than I imagine we would if he lived here, and the time we spend together is amazing, but I still wonder how long I can realistically wait for him to come back. I want him back more than anything, but his career path is so different (finance compared to my supply chain management) that I don't know. He says he wants it to be within the year, but he knows that it could be longer, and he refers back to the "we're still young, we have many years ahead of us - what starts off rough at the beginning will even out". It really bugs me, but what can you do? Not a lot really, except wait. @Resu, it's an interesting point you make there. My mum and dad met early on (around the same age I am now) and stayed together ever since, so in that sense I think there is a bit of hypocrisy here - she wouldn't be saying this if I was with a girl. I don't think it's a question of "when did she make the decision to be attracted to men" because it was a "natural" thing, whereas this is (in her words) "unnatural". I don't believe it's unnatural in any form, but hey ho.
One thing yo consider re the long distance thing that might (hopefully) make things a bit easier: Can the two of you chart out a path (with trackable milestones along the way) that has both of your lives converging together again at a fairly defined point in the future? I find that having a defined goal that I can track my progress toward allows me to be amazingly patient, when needed. This would be a bit more than "if my career goes well I'll get sent back home someday". It would mean having more of a plan of "I do this position overseas for 2yrs and then I'm up for promotion to this position which is back home." It also means looking at your life and how you can help work toward you being together again, including in terms of making more money to be able to visit on a regular basis or saving and planning vacations together, or even both of you moving to a common location overseas or the like, etc. Finally, it would mean roughing out some alternate routes to your main goal (being together) so that if circumstances change you hopefully aren't caught completely flat footed. Obviously you can't predict the future with perfect accuracy, and I don't know the details of your jobs. But I've learned over the years that some surprising options can pop up if you only start looking around for them. Hope this helps, Todd
