I should start by saying my partner and I have a great relationship in every other aspect BUT this. We cuddle and play and go on adorable little dates all the time. We enjoy each other and we very rarely fight (outside of normal, random bickering over silly things like how full I fill the cap for detergent). We have been head-over-heels in love with each other since the day we met over 6 years ago, and we are now otherwise quite happily married. It's this fact, actually, that makes me feel like maybe I'm just being selfish and ridiculous. We got married almost a year ago, and on our wedding night we went out and partied the night away with close friends and family. Afterward, we came home and...she went to sleep. Ok, I thought, no sex on our wedding night is not that big a deal. We'd been living together for nearly 5 years by that point, so it's not like anything was new. We were just married now, right? I fear I should have seen this as a big red flag, though, because there was no sex the next night either. Or the next or the next after that. Not for two weeks, and then only because I threw a bit of a tantrum after one too many glasses of wine, and so we came home from our date and we had sex. It was pity sex, there is no doubt in my mind, but it was something, at least. After that, there was nothing for over a month, and then, of course, more pity sex. We've talked about it quite a bit, and we do communicate well. She says she doesn't know why she's not interested in sex anymore, and gives me the line "it's not you, it's me," but what else would she say? We've even talked about opening up the relationship to allow me to have sex with other people, but then she gets sad just thinking about it and I can't do something that will ultimately hurt her and potentially make things worse. Besides, I don't want to just have sex. I want to have sex with HER. So, I'm at a loss. I've tried talking to friends about it, and the advice I get is that "it's just sex, let it go." But, the thing is, it's NOT just sex. I feel like my wife, the person I want to live happily ever after with, does not find me attractive at all. No matter what I do or how much I dress up or don't dress up or whatever, and no matter how much she tells me she thinks I'm hot/beautiful/etc...there's just nothing there. No spark left for her, it seems, and it's heartbreaking. This has been an issue now for over 2 years (yes, even before we were married, but living together). It has impacted my mood, leaving me feeling depressed and irritated at the silliest things, and it has impacted my self esteem something fierce. I can't even undress in front of her anymore, because I feel super self conscious and frustrated and, honestly, just really, really sad. I have no idea what to do. More than that, I feel horribly alone. She posts on Facebook and other forums about sex and hints at us having a vibrant sex life. Even hanging out with friends, she talks about sex like we have it all the time, but it's a lie. She barely touches me other than to cuddle, hold hands, or sleep. I can't remember the last time we had sex, come to think of it. It's been many months. Talking to friends about it would basically make her look like a liar, and I'm not about calling her out in public and embarrassing her like that. So, here I am, frustrated, sad, angry, alone, and feeling completely hopeless, and hoping someone has some words of wisdom on this random Internet forum. :bang:
depending on who mentioned marriage first, it may be she subconsciously feels trapped. marriage is not for everyone. it may NOT be you as she said.i know hetro couples that had that issue. 1 couple got divorced and have been happily un-marred for 20 years and counting. the problem was that many of his family and friend's getting married was the beginning of the end of the relationship. separate counselling may be a good idea to start. hope this helps. good luck.
Speaking as someone who has used the phrase "It's not you, it's me" and received nothing but crap for it in the past, I feel I ought to point out that the chances are it probably IS her. I mean by the sounds of things her sex drive is just GONE. If you were sitting here saying that she refused to sleep with you but was up all night watching porn, or having a string of affairs or constantly, FURIOUSLY masturbating at every opportunity then I might reconsider my opinion, but by the sounds of things she's just not interested in it. Which leads me to ask, how was your sex life (you AND her) BEFORE you got married? If there was none to speak of, what do you know of HER sex life before that?
Thanks for the feedback. You've both given me some perspective on things, and I feel like I have at least enough of a better understanding to start up a conversation about how we're both feeling about things at the moment.
It really is more likely to be an issue with her if everything else in your relationship is good. From what you tell us, there is a disconnect between what you are doing sexually and what she is telling people you are doing. On the face of it, she is telling lies, but I wonder if she really still has an inner desire for sex that is not being translated into action? There may be genuine reasons for this. Loss of libido is not uncommon in women and it can be linked to a range of medical issues (psychological and/or physical). It would be worth having a consultation with a Doctor to explore what might be causing this. A few possibilities... Are there (or were there) any underlying stress or anxiety issues, beyond your relationship that could be affecting her libido? Is she taking medication for any other health condition? Drugs and alcohol can have a dampening effect on libido. It could be a hormonal issue. If she has experienced any kind of hormonal disruption it could be significant. You didn't mention your or her age, but if she is experiencing any symptoms associated with menopause this could also be a significant factor.
