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So... broken up with BF/taking a break...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by VireBlaze, May 3, 2014.

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  1. VireBlaze

    VireBlaze
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    ... I feel like I did something wrong. I mean, we've been in a LDR for the last 2 years, and it's been such a stressful ride because he had been in Japan for a year and a half, dealing with loneliness and heavy depression, and anytime I attempted to reach out, he just put his walls up, and... it was so stressful to reach out to him. I tried time after time after time, and... the more time went on, the stronger his walls seemed to become. The more he shelled himself. And he considered 'sex' (ie. in this case, role-playing, or cyber sex, whichever, I've never been sure on the distinction between the two.) as a healing factor in his depression. He talked to a therapist while he was there, and the therapist said that... apparently I was a factor in his negative feelings because of how much he loved me and how much it bugged him he was alone, yet he wasn't willing to open up to others.

    He managed to get back home to Texas, which kinda helped because he's been surrounded by family whom care about him, but he still doesn't feel understood by them. I'm the closest person he's ever felt to, and he's the closest I've ever gotten to, myself. And I did have feelings for him, but as time's gone on, and the stress has built up, along with my own insecurities because of things I feel like I should've been doing and stressing out over what I was doing wrong... I kinda started to look at him differently, and the feelings kinda... burned out, I guess. I still care about him, and he's a wonderful guy, but I don't feel like I'm ready for a relationship, now. Maybe I was expecting too much... I don't know.

    He's tried to break up with me in the past, too, because of his own pain... I suppose in some form, it might've been bound to happen. I didn't seem happy with him, and I don't know if I did feel happy with him. I just feel... guilty. I keep wondering if, hey, maybe I'm wrong in this - maybe I'm just over-thinking things. Just, lately, when he says 'I love you', I just feel guilty because... I don't know my feelings for him. And just tonight, I kinda... called it off. I know I hurt him deeply. I know he might've had strong feelings for me... but he was just relying on me too much, and... I felt more like a crutch than i did a lover. He seemed co-dependent, and... I become co-dependent on his co-dependency. He told me that his life was basically in my hands, as well as his gender, because... he doesn't want to live. He hates himself.

    ... And I feel like I did wrong. I do care about him, I do like him, but emotionally, I... don't know. I can only imagine the pain he's going through, and it hurts so hard... He's gone through life having to deal with constant pain and disappointment. I wanted to change that... to be different. Have him at least have something reliable in his life... And I still let him down, I feel. Ultimately, maybe the break-up was necessary, but... I just keep wondering if things could've worked. If I could've done more. If I had pushed a little harder...

    ... Did I do it right? Did I do anything right, here? I just... feel like I made a mistake. But even a friend of mine wondered why I was still with him when... it seemed like I complained about him quite a bit and just... didn't seem happy. I feel like a jerk. What should I do? What... can I do?
     
    #1 VireBlaze, May 3, 2014
  2. BookDragon

    BookDragon
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    You did what you needed to do, nothing more, nothing less.

    You don't stay in a relationship because the other person depends on you, that's a parent/child relationship. You get stay in a relationship because it is mutually beneficial to both of you emotionally. Clearly yours wasn't, for either of you it seems.
     
    #2 BookDragon, May 3, 2014
  3. Aldrick

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    First of all, you didn't do anything wrong. You're doing what you feel you needed to do to be happy.

    It's normal to look back, especially right now while everything is fresh, and to wonder if you did the right thing. It's normal to second guess yourself, and that's not a bad thing. What will help is if you sit down and write a list of all the reasons you decided to end the relationship. I'm pretty sure you can manage a sizable list based on what you've already written. That will help you gain some perspective.

    That's emotional blackmail. It's also a lie. You can't give him happiness, he can only give it to himself. Neither can you hold his life in your hands - his life is his own to deal with, as it has always been and will always be. Saying things like this is an attempt to -FORCE- you to stay in a situation that you don't want to stay in, out of fear that something bad might happen to him.

    If I see someone playing those games, it's a red flag to me that I need to hit the gas and not the breaks. It may be hard and I may worry, but in the end I know if I don't they'll find a way to emotionally drag me back in... and if I'm leaving, then I have good reasons and it's important not to forget them.

    Write that list like I suggested. It will help give you perspective and clarity.
     
    #3 Aldrick, May 3, 2014
  4. dapulu

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    You did the right thing.

    Only he can overcome his issues by accepting himself, and the emotional blackmail used is a big red fat flag of warning in a relationship. It's toxic, and I think you did the right thing for your wellbeing.

    Best of luck, hang in there :slight_smile:
     
    #4 dapulu, May 3, 2014
  5. mbanema

    mbanema
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    Don't beat yourself up about it. Of course it's a terrible feeling to contribute to someone else's pain, but if you know the relationship isn't working and don't see a future together it's for the best to get out early. Obviously you don't want to flee a relationship at the first sign of conflict as nobody can stay in perfect harmony 100% of the time, but it sounds like there were some pretty deep issues here.

    People pursue relationships to fall in love and find a partner to go through life with; it's not your job to be his sole source of happiness at the expense of your own. To me, feeling more like a crutch than a lover is pretty damning and assuming you really talked to him about your concerns before taking such a drastic step, I think it was probably the right decision. I'm sure it hurts both of you now, but just imagine if you had continued down this path for a few years only to finally realize it wasn't working -- I imagine that would be significantly more painful.
     
    #5 mbanema, May 3, 2014
  6. VireBlaze

    VireBlaze
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    ... Thanks, you guys. It's just hard. I keep wondering if things really would've worked, because... we seemed pretty decent together. But my own insecurities weren't contributing anything, and it's unfair to expect him to deal with it. Or anyone, really. I know I need work on myself, I just don't know how to do so right now.

    It certainly seems like he has a good support system right now, at least, on a forum. I still deeply care about him. And I know I probably shouldn't be looking if I REALLY want to let go. But I'm still concerned. Yet, seeing people say that they wouldn't give up on him... well, it makes me feel cruel. But maybe that's alright, too. Maybe I simply wasn't strong enough to deal with what he was going through, despite my efforts. I just keep feeling like I could've done things better, if I just... gave up, or if I could've kept fighting.

    ... Sorry. Relationship's have always been a tricky thing to understand for me. What you give up, what you compromise on, where you draw the line, etc. I've always felt like I might've expected too much for doing so little. I don't know. It's why I feel like I need a stronger grasp on myself. .... Thanks, everyone. It's just gonna take some time to really see the picture more clearly. I might talk about it some more, without trying to sound like a broken record. =P I just... need some support, I guess.

    ... Thank you, again, everyone.
     
    #6 VireBlaze, May 3, 2014
  7. VireBlaze

    VireBlaze
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    Hey, guys.

    Well... he's definitely hurting. But... I feel like I did wrong, simply because... he's never been the strongest person. He had been in Japan, yes, but he was in the Navy in the time, as well. That's why it was hurting for him so bad.

    I just feel like i'm not being very considerate of him and what he's going through, and I don't know how to help that or... because he's always had a tough time with depression, and he has been getting better, and now i feel like I've ruined that. I just feel completely selfish and I just... don't know what to do. Him being home for the last 2-3 months has helped, but... I dunno.
     
    #7 VireBlaze, May 4, 2014
  8. mbanema

    mbanema
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    I can definitely understand where you're coming from -- I imagine I'd feel the same way under similar circumstances. The bottom line though is a relationship isn't supposed to feel like work. Yeah, of course you want to be there for each other during tough times, but you both have to get something out of it too.

    Make sure he knows that you still care about him and try to offer as much support as you can, but if you're not actually in love with each other or don't think you can both be happy together, don't take a step back. If you truly believe there's a path forward and you think you're strong enough to be patient and work through those issues, then make your concerns crystal clear and give him another chance. But it has to be due to desire, not guilt.
     
    #8 mbanema, May 4, 2014
  9. VireBlaze

    VireBlaze
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    Er... I'm confused. If I'm not actually in love with him, don't take a step back? o-o I mean... he still has such strong feelings for me, but I just... don't know how to feel about him, honestly. I've - we've - been trying, but... I dunno. Something's just not 'clicking' entirely, and I don't know why. I'm just not sure if there is a path forward... I've been wondering and debating this for a while. In my own opinion, I'm just... not ready for a relationship, and I'm not sure whom, in particular, I would want.

    It's just been a confusing ride for me, and I'm a little dis-oriented.
     
    #9 VireBlaze, May 4, 2014
  10. mbanema

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    Sorry, I didn't mean to confuse you. I'm pretty stressed out right now so it's entirely possible I'm not making any sense. All I meant is that if you're not truly in love with him, don't re-enter a relationship. Just trying to say that if you get back together, make sure it's for the right reasons -- that he's someone you really want to be with, not because you feel guilty for breaking up.

    It seems pretty clear to me that you shouldn't do this though. You said you felt more like a crutch than a lover, and even more importantly that you don't feel you're ready for a relationship right now.
     
    #10 mbanema, May 4, 2014
  11. Aldrick

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    I assume you've been talking to him since you broke up? I imagine he's telling you about how bad things are, and how much he needs you in his life - etc. etc. etc. If so, that's just more emotional blackmail: "Come back to me, or my life will be horrible without you."

    As someone who is intensely empathetic toward other people, it can be insanely hard for me to cut ties with people who act this way. The immense sense of guilt that I feel is so strong. However, what I've learned is that it's essential to set boundaries.

    If you're still going to talk to him, then you need to make clear to him that he has to stop trying to persuade you to come back. You can still care for him and support him as a friend, but the relationship is over. Then if he can't seem to stop himself, you're going to have to be the one to create distance.

    It may sound harsh, but the truth of the matter is you can't help him. He can only help himself. You're not a magical panacea that is going to cure his depression and improve his life. Only he can do that, and probably only with the help of a good qualified therapist.

    You can't save him from himself - you just can't. Making you responsible for his feelings - especially his depression - is just unfair. That's not your responsibility, even if you were in a relationship with him. There is a difference between loving someone and supporting them, and being responsible for them. The only humans you are responsible for are those trusted in your care - usually children. He is not a child - he's an adult. As an adult with a problem - depression - he needs to seek help. You are not a therapist or a mental health professional and therefore cannot give him the help he needs.

    I know that comes off as insanely blunt and harsh, and I'm sorry if it's upsetting. However, I just want you to have this firm boundary in your mind. I want you to understand and feel - on a deep gut level - that things aren't your fault and you're not responsible. You're taking ownership of things that you just can't own such as his emotions and it's hurting you. It's making you feel awful.

    And to be clear here - if you go back to him you aren't doing him any favors. You'd actually be hurting him, because he won't be seeking the help he needs. He'll be relying on you, because he's placed you in charge of his feelings and emotional well-being... and that's an exhausting place to be. It will burn you out - if it hasn't already.
     
    #11 Aldrick, May 4, 2014
  12. VireBlaze

    VireBlaze
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    Which... he seems to be trying to do, now. To be honest, I've never had a strong grasp on myself or my boundaries, so...

    Honestly, having that support right now is nice, simply because of how broken I'm feeling. He really is the closest I've ever felt to, and I'm TERRIFIED to get close to anyone else. This ties into my sexuality, kinda, but that's for a different topic.

    ... I guess... In the same sense, I'm relying on him in the same way, it seems. Not that my emotions are tied to him, but there is a sense of comfort in being with him. A sense of it, anyway. At the same time... I just feel guilty about going back to him. Like... It's not like I've been intentionally using him, though part of me feels like I have, I guess. And, again, it ties into my sexuality, which I'll make a post about later.

    I know he's been healing, in some ways. I just... I dunno. I guess I just was expecting something more - like I built up an image of what a relationship could be or was. It's hard to tell up from down right now, and I'm, frankly, frightened, because whatever grasp I had on myself is slipping away.
     
    #12 VireBlaze, May 5, 2014
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