Boyfriend Issues

Hello, all.

First off, let me start by giving a background of myself. I'm twenty-one and not out. Even so, I've managed to date. I'm no stranger to having my heart broken both platonically and romantically. Let's say when it comes to people I have not had the best of luck. So much so, that I swore to not give me out heart out so easily. Now, like many closeted gays, I have had issues growing up with being gay since I belong to a conservative family. So, I have slight self-esteem issues.

Okay, now my dilemma. I have been talking and seeing this guy casually for awhile. I believe since October. It was casual since he had gotten out of a long term relationship wih his fiance. I had recently avoided a relationship with a controlling, crazy. So, we were basically interested in meeting someone new. Yet, we clicked really well together.
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After sometime seeing each other he admitted that he was falling in love with me. Me being me was really doubtful, thinking he was just one the rebound. I admittedly was scared and played it off. Anyway, he doesn't bring it up again untila month later. We get into an argument over something but once but we apologize to each other and I ask how he puts up with me. He responds with a simple. "because of love." By now, I confess my love and things are all cute and dandy.

Mind you, I didn't feel pressured to say I love him. He was never mean to me and he would often say really sweet things. He saw no flaws in me. It was one of those things were you could look someone in the eye and know they felt something for you. Of course I got weak in the knees for him.

Then the trouble stared. The breakup with his fiance had left him living outside his means. He could no longer pay for things he once could so now he has debt aside from his student loans. He has to move back with his mom, which doesn't bother me. Then he becomes distant. The texts and cute messages stop. When I call he never answers. He still tells me he loves me when I tell him, but any actual conversations become rare. When we do it is one sided and I'm carrying the conversation. A conversation he will either just drop or tell me I ask too many questions. I could pour my heart out to him and I would get nothing in return or maybe just an okay.

I confront him about it and he apologizes. Saying he wishes he treated me better and that he does want us to last. I give in and chalk it up as him being stressed from working, bills, and having to go back home.

He does it again. I vent my frustration and he admits to feeling bad. I ask for him to let me help and that I was here for him. His pride denies my help, but he thanks me. I'm hurt but I put up with it because he gets better I communicating.

It should be noted that when we do get to see each other everything is great. We are both affectionate and all smiles. Its just, even though he is out to his parents it is still hard to.see.each other now that he is back home. So, our time together is cut down, but I don't mind

Yesterday I confronted him once more and he admits to being scared. The three long term relationships he has been in ended in them cheating or playing his heart. I tell him I understand. He says that he would love to be in a serious long term relationship with me and I agree so we should worktoward it. I k.ow I should be out to my family and in all honesy I was beginning to feel happy and confident enough that I was o seriously contemplating on doing that.

Then today we make plans to meet tomorrow. I ask him simple things to set up the date. He suddenly tells me that everytime we talk he feels like he is on trial. Mind you, he asked if I could get him since his car was in the shop and I only asked what happened to it and I thought hehad a truck also. Just basic info. It ticks me off so he ignores me which makes me angrier.

I call I'm and tell him he is being an ass. He shrugs it off and says he can. Then he tells me I'm being dramatic. I tell him that of course I am. I'm trying my hardest to move the relationship further and he does nothing. I ask why does he get.my hopes up only to push me away and he replies he doesn't know. I ask when does he ever ask me how my day has been. He says never. I ask if he would be happy if I treated him the same way he treats me? He says probably not. I ask what am I supposed to do and he tells me to either hold out on the ride or get away. I'm stunned. The conversation continues that way until he either hangs up or his phone died and I'm left heartbroken.

In closing my question is should I continue to try and pursue him even though he continues pushing me away, whichhe admits. He says he does love me but he is just lost and confused nd scared. I know he isn't the one to cheat. I've given opportunities to leave but he doesn't take them. What can I do to stop making him push me away? All of these arguments posted has been months apart and not back to back. The only thing I'm really asking from him is to show that he cares a bit more, you know? I really want him to be happy, but I fear he thinks that's unattainable.

Sorry for the long post and blatant errors. I typed it on my phone. Any help would be appreciated, but this venting has seriously helped as well.

 

Thanks for your input!

The thing is, things were different with him at first then it had been with exes. In the beginning talking was easy, but as soon as I told him I loved him too he began to push me away. I didn't become clingy, nothing changed except us exchanging I love you's. We both had talked about and agreed to wanting try long term.

To be honest, it has been a longtime since he started a conversation. He'll reply, for a few texts before just abruptly stopping. Calling him is frustrating because when he does answer, the conversation is still one sided. He has used the whole doesn't like to have deep conversations over the phone, which is fine but these are everday run of the mill questions.

For example, he wanted to get together today. I texted him this morning asking if he was ready. He is an hour away, so I ask what time he think he will be back. He said he will be there till two and it is an hour drive back to his house. That's fine, whatever. Now, here it is 4:37 and I hear nothing from him. We had plans so now I don't know if we are going to follow through. This is a bit of what pesters me. I'm left in the dark. I don't care what he does because we aren't married but if we make plans to get together then give me a heads up if something comes up.

It's not like we just meet for sexual encounters or anything and when we are together everything is great. We get along amazing and are very loving. It's just these in betweens that suck. I feel bad because maybe I'm getting worked up over nothing and just have to accept that maybe he is stressed or that's just how he is. At the same time I don't think it's too much to ask for him to send me a message every now and then just to see how I'm doing.

I don't doubt he loves me, but it is like he has put up this guard now. Almost as if he is scared I will regret being with him, simply because his exes left him. He is too prideful to let me help him with anything and says he doesn't need help. I back off. Basically it is like he let me in, then when I let my guard down and let him in, he put his guard up.

Now, just this Thursday he told him he was scared and I let him know that was fine. At the same time he told me he wanted us and hoped we would be together for a long time if not forever. Then I try to give him that and I get nothing.

Meanwhile, I'm lost on what to do. I guess I can ask if we get together today.When he has nowhere to run and see what he comes up with. -sigh-

---------- Post added 3rd May 2014 at 05:06 PM ----------

To be honest, I don't know much on his exes. One sounded crazy and another wanted money and thr third was young and became wild. He stayed with them because they told him they wanted to settle down. I understand what you are saying though and I have thought about that before.

You're right about the happiness thing.

Yeah. I mean, it never limited my options. I'm old enough to where nothing is really hindering me from coming out, I just haven't done it. That is something I need to work on.

Thanks for the advice. It was much appreciated