1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I'm really worried about some stuff...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by CryingAnimeNerd, May 3, 2014.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. CryingAnimeNerd

    CryingAnimeNerd
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2014
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    So...I've been dating my current girlfriend for almost two months. We're long-distance, but I don't want to hear about how those never work because I've definitely heard it enough and that's not the question I'm asking(just providing details in case they help...?). We talk about sex a lot. And, it's not like I don't want to. I really, really do. But, often times, if the conversation gets too intimate or something, I just freeze up really bad. I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, so I feel like that has something to do with it. When this happens, I have an anxiety/panic attack where I clutch things nearby, start squirming all over the place uncomfortably, dig my fingernails into my skin, and even cry. I don't understand why this is happening. I know one of my most overwhelming thoughts is that I won't be able to make her happy when it gets down to it. I've told her this, and no matter how much she reassures me that won't be the case, I can't seem to be convinced. I don't know, I guess I'm wondering if there's any way I can get over this? I've tried a psychologist(hence the professional diagnosis), but she didn't help at all.
    I find I'm like this whenever I have to discuss sex seriously. I just get really uncomfortable. I've never been sexually abused as far as I know, so I don't know why. I need help.
     
    #1 CryingAnimeNerd, May 3, 2014
  2. BookDragon

    BookDragon
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2013
    Messages:
    4,605
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    For the purposes of this response I'm going to assume you learned how to ride a bike.

    You remember how it seemed like a great idea to learn until you got on the bike and realised it wasn't quite as easy as everyone else made it look? Perhaps you had friends or siblings who had got it really easy and you felt like you had to do just as well.

    You remember the first couple of times you got pushed forwards on the thing, wobbled about and fell to the ground. Perhaps you refused to ever use the bike again, because seriously, who needs to ride around on a metal death machine anyway!?

    This is the point when one of two things happen.

    1. Someone is nice about it. They guide you through it, reassuring you while it happens. It might seem a bit 'fast' and a little uncomfortable for you, but keep in mind you swore off it completely 10 minutes ago. But it's OK because you trust this person to not do anything that would be bad, like shove you down a steep hill or push you into a busy road!

    2. Someone gets MEAN. They force you to do everything too fast and tell you to face your fear. They stick you on that bike, shove you down the biggest hill they can find and you learn because you HAVE to. Otherwise known as the 'thrown in at the deep end' method.

    Thing is, what you are experiencing is no different than this. It's something new, something that basically everyone else is doing, something you WANT to do, but it's freaking you out because it's unfamiliar and you don't want to mess it up, because just like falling off your bike, messing this up has the potential to hurt you. Not physically (usually) but it could be damaging to your self esteem and to your relationship.

    If your girlfriend is even a half-way decent person she will understand and be the nice person I mentioned, but you need to talk to her. The conversation may be uncomfortable at first but you are having it with someone you are comfortable talking to. Try and hold on to that fact.
     
    #2 BookDragon, May 3, 2014
  3. CryingAnimeNerd

    CryingAnimeNerd
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2014
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Well, that's another thing, too, I forgot to mention. I've had sex once before(granted, with someone I didn't really care about), and I cried after that, too. Maybe I'm just being a big baby. I don't know.
    But, yeah, we've kind of talked about it...meaning I back out of the conversation when it's too bad for me and tell her that. And she's really sweet and understanding about it, and she says we can go at my pace and stuff, but I'm still really torn up over this. Like, she's so open with me, and it feels physically impossible for me to share anything with her. I feel like a disappointment, really. And it isn't her, it's just me making myself feel bad. I know it, and I can't seem to stop.
     
    #3 CryingAnimeNerd, May 3, 2014
  4. BookDragon

    BookDragon
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2013
    Messages:
    4,605
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So you fell off the bike once and now you don't want back on in case you do it again!

    Don't be so hard on yourself, you're not being a 'big baby' or any kind of baby! Sex is different for everyone. Some people can happily have sex with anyone they like because they enjoy the activity. Some don't like it ever with anyone. Others, like me, would probably enjoy it but ONLY if it was someone I felt really comfortable with.

    If you are sitting here not sure that it's something you are comfortable with right now, you shouldn't sit there and tell yourself that you are being a baby. You can't help how you feel about the activity, especially if your previous experience with it was you did it and felt like crying.

    Your options are pretty limited because you can't just MAKE yourself be OK with it. You can't snap your fingers and become comfortable discussing things like this with her as you know.

    You either need to build up to it and push yourself a little each time (talking I mean, don't force yourself to sex anything!) or think about how comfortable you are talking to this girl, and consider how you could make yourself MORE comfortable.
     
    #4 BookDragon, May 3, 2014
  5. CryingAnimeNerd

    CryingAnimeNerd
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2014
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Okay. I think I got it. I'll try to push myself(but not too far; I have to monitor that).

    Thank you for your advice c: I really appreciate your kind words
     
    #5 CryingAnimeNerd, May 3, 2014
  6. BookDragon

    BookDragon
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2013
    Messages:
    4,605
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Just remember that if you push and have to step back, it doesn't make you bad or wrong or pathetic or anything. You need to be proud of the fact that you will have tried to face up to a fear!
     
    #6 BookDragon, May 3, 2014
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)