I've never really thought very much of myself, but lately it's been bad. My dad has made it clear since I was 7 or 8 that he wasn't fond of me. We used to get in arguments and when I said "you don't love me anyways", he wouldn't respond. I kind of took that as confirmation. He told me to "fly to fuck" fairly often, and as I got older, he'd call me worse and worse names. He said I was "identical to my mother" (whom he often called a "money grabbing bitch"). Long story short, I rarely see my dad anymore. My mother and I often butt heads, and we end up cursing at each other regularly. I feel bad about it, and I just want to keep my cool but I can't. She says she has to walk on eggshells around me, and that I make her stressed. I often think she'd be better off without having to worry about me. I have about 6 or 7 friends. Some I rarely see, others I think would be fine if they never saw me again. They all have friends who they're closer with, and hang out with all the time. I'm kind of like an extra. I sometimes lash out at my siblings just from pure anger with myself. I take out my frustrations on them, and that's caused them to fear me in a way I guess, and I feel really bad about that. Anyways, I just feel like no one would really feel any loss if I just died. Life doesn't mean too much to me anymore. I usually hate people who whine about their lives, but I need to get this off my chest, even if no one replies. I needed to write it out. I've caused to much pain, and I just feel like a plague on other people's time. I just want to fade away...
I know the feeling too well. I get along with my mom very well, but me an my dad were never close. He didn'tcall me names but he did hit me a lot. And he also was very sexist and treated me like a servant. For the longest time i hated the fuck out of men. Couldn't stand them. My brother in law called me a man hating lesbian one time and I gave him an xray glare that taught him better than to fucking open up his mouth around me. I was a very hostile person, and I attempted suicide on my depression pills. I had many so called friends but nobody really by my side to be with me through my cancer treatment. It was hell and rock bottom but I got through it. It wasn't easy but I fought the urge to resort to my loneliness and my despair. I wanted answers. I needed a purpose. I thought what I needed was a relationship...I was so wrong. What I ended up needing was the comfort of my own company and knowing who I am in this world. This world doesn't belong to anyone and if you wanted to, you could snatch it from anyone that claims its theirs. Go ahead. Take it. You're not your father. You're not your mother. Your siblings are the only love you may have in your life at the moment, but they grow up and blow away...in the end, it is you. Venting is good. Once the temperature is down just enough, take the heat deep within you and turn it into something that you can hold in the palm of your hand.
I used to be a lot like that I thought about suicide a lot before meeting my best friend. Honestly I think what you need in your life more than anything is just what alehks said though, cause all a friend does is provide a band aid. Then when you're alone again your wound is open. Trust me don't go down the road of self harm. Instead Open yourself up to self actualization. Just feel lucky your alive in general. Think about all the possibilities that had to become actualities that lead to your existence. First your parents had to come into existence, then out of their lives the ran into that one person in nearly 4 billion who's dna could combine to create you. Then not only did they have to be compatible according to chemistry they also had to get through the awkward process that is human dating. On top of that it had to be that specific night that the egg that became part of you released that particular egg into your mother's womb and that specific moment when the sperm cells divided into your specific sperm cell. On top of that you it had to be that sperm cell out of the hundreds of thousands that penetrated the membrane of that egg.not only that but do you know how many women get abortions and lose the baby naturally? I know this isn't as big as the last numbers but you still survived life in the womb. then you were born who you are, a completely unique person with your own traits, not like your mother or father. Just you, you were born to be you and the world would almost definitely not be a better place with out you. You are a miracle. Embrace life, don't hide from it.
The only wastes of skin here are your parents. If you have a child, you make a commitment to that child, to love them and stay with them through thick and thin. If you can't do that, you don't deserve to have a child. You are unique, there will never be another person like you in this universe, so flip the bird to the haters and hold your head high.
Thanks guys. I used to hole myself up in my house a lot, and say I was busy when friends asked to hang out. I just didn't like having to face them and smile when I didn't feel like smiling. I guess they assume I still don't want to do anything with them, and have slowly begun moving on with their lives. I did it to myself, really.
All I can really say to this is that your past does not define you. I haven't been through anything near what you and some of the others here have described, but I do know what it's like to have a parent constantly put you down. After years of verbal and psychological abuse, my father died last November. So I know it's hard, but you have to just accept that they are wrong about you. Even if they have made you feel like you're not worth anyone's time, it's not true. There are so many people out there that would love you if only they knew you. Your parents do not shape you. You shape you.
I'm hesitant to say this, because I don't know your situation but from what I'm reading it seems to me your home environment is extremely toxic, but have you heard of or considered 'emancipation'? Emancipation of minors - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia This course of action is NOT something to take lightly, and if you do go this route, you will have to prove you are and can be legally and financially self-sufficient. I'm not a legal professional so don't take this as professional advice, but you might talk to legal counsel about this. edit: The above link pertains to U.S. law, you'll have to do some research to find out what sort of laws are in place for Canadian minors seeking independence. This might be a good place to start. http://kidshelpphone.ca/Teens/InfoB...at-home-work-and-school.aspx#emancipatedMinor
We've had a lot of social workers involved in our family life, but they don't seem to do much. I'm actually 19, so I guess technically I could just move out on my own legally. That being said, I'm halfway done university (which is near my home). Moving 15 minutes away from my family home would be a major cost, plus my mother would be incredibly upset (she relies on me for babysitting and driving my siblings around to their sports events daily). She's told me to "just get out" before, but then later takes it back because it would be "deserting her" with all the responsibilities (which is exactly what my father did)... I guess I should probably mention that my father is a major alcoholic. He's been drinking since I was born, and whenever I'm around him when he's drinking now, I automatically turn into a sarcastic and snappy person. I guess it's because it reminds me of what he put me through years ago when he was drinking. I used to be able to tell if he was drunk or not when I got home just by how his truck was parked in the driveway, and where he was in the house when I got home from school. Once he yelled at me for 4 hours when I was 9 because I told him that I hadn't eaten quarter of a bag of chips the day before when I did. He jumped on 3 bags of chips and made me clean them up, screaming the whole time. He was also very violent, and on separate occasions, he's smashed windows, ripped off the stairway handrail, ripped the kitchen counter off of it's screws, smashed the blender, put about 10+ holes in the walls, smashed phones, smashed my remote control helicopter , kicked in the bedframe, broken my mom's closet door, smashed dishes, etc etc...
If you're already legally an adult, then honestly the best advice I can give you is just to get out of that environment. Sooner or later (assuming you're still in contact with your father) he will hurt you or someone else, and your mother sounds very emotionally and psychologically manipulative. If she treats you like you're expendable and then turns around and plays 'nice' when she needs something. No, not okay in my book. She can hire a babysitter if she's that desperate for help. Sooner or later if you stick around long enough, the chances of things becoming deadly for you personally will only continue to increase exponentially until something has to give. It will only end badly for you, get out now. You are already expressing some serious suicidal considerations and you deserve much better than that. Get out now while you still have some dignity left. That environment will ultimately probably kill you. ---------- Post added 5th May 2014 at 07:52 AM ---------- I'm also going to say something that you probably won't like to hear, but here it is. You owe it to your siblings to get out of that environment and report your 'toxic' mother to a child welfare agency of some sort. They are all next in line to endure the same torment you speak of having endured yourself. Your mother (both your parents actually) don't sound like they're fit to be parents and you and your siblings are paying the price for it. That is miles beyond unacceptable. ---------- Post added 5th May 2014 at 07:54 AM ---------- I have to strongly disagree with that statement.
I agree with the other posters, which is why I'll share this: In Stephen King's Misery, there was an anecdote about how, during World War II, many jewish people stayed in Germany because "Their pianos were there", with the instruments being the weight of a drastic change, the fear of the unknown, the emotional attachment, all the "But my stuff are here", "But the paperwork", "But the packing"...Perharps knowing it would be the key to their demise, they remained inside their little illusion, thinking it would all fix itself or, eventually, stop bothering them. To clear things up, I have no right to tell you to be brave, as I myself am a coward, but I can still advice you to think things through: There are seven billion people in this planet, at least a million of them ready to share experiences with you, and love you for who you are. There's dancers, sport junkies, painters, warriors, scientists, experts in something so obscure you've never even thought about... but you need to have a clear state of mind, inhale the good, exhale the bad. And the way to achieve this is by letting go of your piano.
That is a lie! You are very strong, not many people could go through what you have been through. You are amazing, stay strong!
Thanks everyone. I know that it's better if I move out, but whenever I bring it up, my mother gets upset. I don't want to leave my siblings, and leave her to handle both of their activities all by herself with her full-time job. I've talked to therapists about everything before, but I hate when it makes me cry. I feel weak and sensitive. I'd rather just put it in the back of my mind and forget about what happened. It's in the past, so why dwell on it? My father hates when I bring it up aswell, and lashes out whenever someone talks about the shit that he did. I often wonder if my past has played a role in my feelings of gender and sexual identity. I've always been a "tomboy", even before my father began irrationally flipping out all the time. I've always hated makeup, girly things, etc. So I don't think he played much of a role in that, but I wonder if I would've turned out differently had he not been extremely sexist. I felt like crying made me weak and a "girl", so I tried to hold it in as long as I could, and turned the abuse on myself sometimes. I'd call myself names, and sometimes I come across things that I carved when I was younger. I found an old desk I used to have in my room, and in it was carved "I'm stupid". I must have done it when I was in elementary school. It's not like he was ALWAYS drunk though. Sometimes we'd play catch together, build treehouses, kayaking, etc. It's just that as the years went on, he became sober less and less. There was also a schedule his moods followed - drunk, remorseful, kind, irritated, and then drunk again.
So what. She can hire a babysitter. Because it's not in the past?? To say that would be to imply that some significant degree of time has passed and circumstances have changed. So, what you're saying is he gets violently angry about anyone talking about him getting violently angry...? Think on that one for a minute.
Tetra-It will get better. I grew up feeling invisible to the world. I grew up in a homophobic home w/an alcoholic. If you can't get to a Ala-non or Alateen meeting they have online support now I think. Whether you believe it or not right now you do have gifts that only you can give this world. Be strong. I care. EC cares. As for your siblings. Apologize and give them hugs. Tell them you love them. They need you. As someone commented you need to report any abusive (or dangerous situation) to the proper authorities. You are your siblings voice right now. Keep telling people until someone listens. See a therapist if you can or talk to an adult you trust. It will be ok! (*hug*) (&&&)
