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Don't know how to decipher my emotions for this individual. Help?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Browncoat, May 6, 2014.

  1. Browncoat

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    Hello, anyone that may be reading. So, I normally bring something like this to my psychotherapist, such that I can just talk about it and in so doing help to alleviate stress associated with it. But, I'm not meeting with her again till late May, so... sorta freaking out emotionally?


    Also, I guess I have two key things that I'm thinking about - one how to deal with my thoughts on this friendship (or whatever you want to call it), and then (and honestly a consequence of the first one) my orientation/"what the hell am I?" I'll focus on the first, I guess, since I've got a lifetime to ponder orientation.

    And I should also preface this by saving I have pretty awful social anxiety, so I have a habit of turning seemingly little things into infinitely larger worries. My biggest issue is that I just don't decipher intentions very well. Oh, and I also don't know how much info I should put in here. While I know it's a long shot I would be exceedingly mortified if someone ID'd it... but oh well, here goes.


    -------------------------------------------

    So there is a particular professor (or instructor, I guess, just a Master's) I've had this past semester. After the final she decided to let us (the students of age) have a "few drinks" with her. Well, at least for me and one other friend that turned into a night of drinks :lol:. I really, really like this instructor; frankly I currently know no one else in person with which I have more in common.

    Here's the thing, though (and sorry, I'm going to have to go on a tangent and briefly explain another part here). So, another separate time, I had just got out of a meeting regarding a non-discrimination ordinance at my school, which I spoke at - and the other individual that ended up drinking all night with this instructor saw me (she was at work as an AskUS clerk) and wanted to give me something from our class. Anyways, we got to talking, and I explained what the NDO meeting was about, in which I alluded to my liking men.. to which she stopped me and said, "Wait, are you gay?" I struggled with my response to this - at the time I suppose I'd say I identified with being somewhere in between gay and bisexual. But, I just said "yes" to I'm gay, instead of fully explaining it. So she seems to think I'm "Kinsey 6 gay" instead...

    And back to the other story. So she, the other student that went out drinking with this instructor, brought up at some point that I was gay (random topic, I guess) - which the instructor was not shocked by, which made me happy :lol:. And we talked about that for a decent while - other people in class we suspected, past experiences, guys, etc. Needless to say, the instructor probably thinks I'm "Kinsey 6 gay" too, since I never corrected it.

    So we also did this another night :lol:, after which I "kinda sorta" invited myself to the instructor's birthday party - or at least, I don't remember if she had made it an open invitation or not. But, when we were driving to everyone's drop-off points I just mentioned that I would absolutely love to go to that, if she'd allow me - and her response was along the lines of "yeah, totally, it'd be great if you came." This is where a lot of my anxiety in all this is lying - I don't know whether that was intended as being sincere, or if she was just "being nice." I mean, I'm going to email her (which I asked if it would be ok, first - and again when she was not under the influence of alcohol) around the time for it to inquire, and hopefully she responds back - but I'm freaking out about it. I'm fearful that I'm reading her wrong and that I'm not welcome. Although, for the record, I worry about this with all social interaction, thus the social anxiety issues...

    Also, I suppose I should mention that this will not happen, by which I mean anything more than friendship - and I'm not even sure I want anything more than that anyway, but:

    1. I am not her type. Or at least not physically, anyway, which she puts a lot more into than I ever do - it's a much stronger requirement for her. Plus, with my sexual orientation thing, I'm not even sure I like women in a sexual way, so...

    2. She is an instructor. And, even being out of this semester's class, I am signed up next semester for the lab she works in. She actually appears to take this restriction seriously (which I was shocked to find, apparently, not every professor/instructor does :lol:slight_smile:.

    So, my hopes out of this are at most a life-long friendship, and at minimal someone to banter with in the lab and an occasional drinking companion - though hopefully at least somewhere in the middle.

    -------

    Anyhow, in light of that, maybe I should actually propose some questions now? Firstly, any thoughts how to handle anxiety about this situation? Am I worrying far too much about the birthday celebration thing - does it sound like that should be fine?

    Then, what the hell should I make of all this? I frankly can't tell if I just think she's (and I'm referring to the instructor here) an awesome person and my relative lack of social interaction makes it feel like a deceptively big deal - or is this amount of thinking about her indicative of a "crush," if you will? Since, yeah, I really haven't been able to get all this off my mind for the few days following the last night of drinking.

    Furthermore, I'm now becoming thoroughly confused with my sexuality. Before, I had come to the conclusion that basically "everything goes." But when I was thinking about it with them a few nights ago, I actually found myself pondering - in the back of my mind - if I actually did like girls? I know I've been attracted to boobs, butts, general figure etc. in the past, but frankly the past few weeks I've been more "meh," I guess? Essentially, I've remembered the issue I had before in questioning - where I could think of a woman as attractive but had a very hard time cognitively imagining how I would go about making out with or having sex with any given girl that I know. That raises a red flag for me, for some reason - but should it? Is the physical/visual attraction alone enough to indicate a sexual compatibility with women? Further, if I am only sexually compatible with guys but still have strong emotional attractions to women, then, well... FML. Even though I know in this case nothing would come of it regardless..

    Then, finally, the last thing coming up is whether or not and/or how to "backtrack" from the "Kinsey 6 gay" label these two individuals seem to have given me. A part of what's making me reticent to do it is my uncertainty with regards to orientation. Also, I'd have to admit to at the very least concealing the full truth. I also wonder if the instructor would realize in my saying this that I might like her quite a bit ... and that conversation could be awkward, I imagine.

    In a perfect world, I'd like to sit down and fully explain everything to them like I'm doing here.. but sadly it seems the world doesn't work that way.

    Anyway, I apologize for the wall of text, but can anyone give their thoughts? Or even just questions to clarify things? I'm struggling with how to deal with this emotionally, and it would be awesome if I could just talk to someone about it? Please? In any case, you have a good day.
     
    #1 Browncoat, May 6, 2014
    Last edited: May 6, 2014
  2. Browncoat

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    Zefram Cochrane's hometown.
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    Bisexual
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    Out to everyone
    No one, eh?

    Maybe I can just narrow it down to one quick question - should I consider even remotely alluding to my feelings for this person in conversation with her? Or stay the hell away from it?

    As of this point I'm just going to wait till a few days before the birthday thing and hope it works out, and until then worry about it. :/