In the past few years (or more like since I first stepped inside a school) I've been called names a lot, discriminated, outcast because I'm peaceful and I don't want to be "cool" and I was expected to produce excellent results a lot (which over time, ended up contributing to my perfectionism) and this alienated me from most people. I do not try to chat, I just stay silent because it's better for me not to have anything than risk getting shit. Deep down I probably know how fragile I am and this is an automated self-defense measure to keep psychological damage away. And now it's like I'm losing my emotions altogether. I can't really see the good stuff around me, I'm only happy for my successes for 2 seconds and I'm always worried that when the time comes I'll be completely unable to sustain a relationship with anyone, and it keeps getting worse and worse in an endless loop. I don't really know what to do.
I know exactly how you feel, and I don't think it's uncommon among people struggling to accept their sexuality. When I was in high school, I cut myself off from everyone and put all of my energy into school and sports. It was easier that way; it kept me from having to get too close to anyone, which scared the crap out of me. It turned me into an emotional robot, as you say, and also made me a perfectionist. There is actually some science behind this: Why Do Young Gay Men Try to Be the Best? | Psychology Today Anyway, is there anyone you can confide in? Anyone you can talk to? It's amazing how helpful it can be to talk through these problems with someone you trust. Hang in there man. It will get better.
Wow this seems to be amazingly true... With each day passing I feel I should be doing more and more to become likeable, it's just I need support for that and I don't even want to bother my mom with these kind of problems. She deserves a better son than this.
