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Boyfriend seems to enjoy lecturing me...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Jared, May 7, 2014.

  1. Jared

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    So I've been with my bf for well over a year and the further away we get from the honeymoon phase, he seems to be annoying me more. The main issue is that lately he seems to have taken up lecturing me about money and my driving. We live in LA, you have to be an aggressive driver to get anywhere and horns are a fact of life, people tend not to look when changing lanes, but he gets so upset whenever I honk my horn as a warning to someone. He is convinced that I'm gonna cause a road rage incident and get us killed. I tried explaining to him that I'm just tapping it real quick and not holding it or honking repeatedly like an asshole. He didn't really seemed convinced and just said I need to be calmer and more patient.

    The bigger issue is when he lectures me about my money spending habits. I'll be the first to admit that I buy my share of frivolous stuff, but I know when to stop and I have the money to afford it. I generally only spend $100-$200 a month on random stuff. My parents do cover most of my bills since I'm in college, and I have never had to worry about money. He has had to, but if he was better with his money he probably wouldn't have to worry about it so much. He doesn't have a very well paying job and yet he eats out constantly, I can't remember the last time I saw or heard of him cooking or even buying groceries. So he basically spends a lot more on food than he needs to. He also just bought a brand new car, which IMO was stupid, he can't really afford it and a slightly used car would've been much cheaper and more in his price range. I have mentioned both of these to him, told him about the car before he bought it, but didn't lecture him, just gave him my opinion and let him make up his mind, it's his money after all.

    I can see where he is coming from in regards to money, but it is so annoying that he is lecturing me about spending money on things I can easily afford while he is spending money he doesn't have. I know it kinda bothers him that I have expensive stuff, we come from very different backgrounds, but I don't flaunt it and I always try to buy on sale. I won't change my entire lifestyle because somebody wants me to, money isn't a huge deal in a relationship to me, as long as somebody isn't a leech, I'm fine with whatever they make/have.
     
  2. Chip

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    It's likely there's projection and perhaps some envy going on with regard to the money and his comments about your spending habits. That's not easy to address but the best approach I've found is to open up first with whatever things you think you might be doing that bother him. If you lead with "Hey, I wanted to say that I've noticed i've been __________ and I am realizing that it bothers you" and ask him if there are other things that bother him... and honestly listen and try to address them... then he'll liekly be more willing to perhaps open up to own his own stuff.

    Also, just for the record, I spent a lot of time driving in LA, San Francisco, DC, and pretty much every other major city. I've dealt with rush hour in Manhattan, driven through all parts of LA in holiday rush hour as well as daily. I've had to use my horn maybe three or four times a year, and that's when someone's about to make a lane change and doesn't see me or something. It's really rare. If you're using it more than that, most likely either you're attracting an unusual amount of incompetent drivers to you, you're not keeping enough following distance and leaving yourself an out to deal with someone else's incompetence, or you're horn-happy. :slight_smile: And if it's bothering him, you could certainly make an effort to use it less. Just because you don't see it as a problem, keep in mind he does, and the problem is real to him whether it's real to you or not. So if you care about him, you should care about something that sounds like it might genuinely scare him.

    Once a relationship gets past the first few months, generally communication is key, and most people suck at it. Both people have to be willing to make the effort, to be vulnerable, and to be willing to listen and compromise. Usually one has to start by taking the risk of being vulnerable to encourage the other one to follow suit. Good luck!
     
  3. Bolt35

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    well...your boyfriend seems to enjoy being the backseat driver, constantly telling you what to do and what not to do when driving. it's a lot worst here in nyc since people are constantly cluttered together and rushing to work and sometimes a few accidents happens here and there.you could always tell him how you feel on that subject since it's only a minor issue. he has his driving habits and you have yours.
    Money on the other hand, i'm glad you're looking at it from both perspectives. you both seem to have a habit of spending money on luxuries and sometimes it's not always a good thing. when the next time you guys both spend money on luxuries, consider what you might get out of it and how it will effect you in the near future. Food can always be crossed out on that list because you can always have a home cooked meal(an idea for a date). your bf buying a new car that he might not afford is a big problem, but you can always convince him to work harder to maintain and keep the car that he wants. it might affect you in a way because you're the person he confides in when he runs into a problem. you don't have to change your lifestyles, just bad habits. he has a job so he isn't really dependent on you to pay for everything. you have a right to lecture on a few things you feel that shouldn't be held against you. communication is part of what makes a successful relationship after all.