So my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a month. I am very glad we found each other. When we first got together, somebody sent me a message saying that he is known to cheat. I blew it off like it was nothing because I figured it was somebody that was just not approving our relationship. Anyways, yesterday he called me after he got off of work. He works at Starbucks. He said "I need to tell you something. It's not good or bad." and I'm just like okay tell me. He told me that a guy hit on him at work and asked him for his number. He said he didn't know what to do because it was the first time it had happened to him, so he gave the guy his number. He said all of his coworkers heard and everything. He said that he went ahead and told me so that I wouldn't find out from somebody else. I immediately told him "thank you for telling me. I would much rather you tell me now then for me to find out later on." We kept on the conversation and then he told me he would call me when he got home. After we hung up, my mind started wondering. I got really upset and nervous and started to cry. The fact that he gave the guy his number instead of telling him he was in a relationship really upset me. I decided that I would tell him how I feel so that way I would make it clear that it upset me and I don't approve of it. So I sent him a text that said "(HIS NAME), I just want to say I love you. I would be lying if I said I weren’t disappointed and annoyed about you actually giving that guy your number. It hurts me. I am glad you told me and I love you. This just really upsets me." he responded with "I love you too, (NAME). I'm sorry that I actually gave him my number. The ONLY reason I did though, is because I hesitated. I have NEVER been hit on before by a guy and I was scared. He put me on the spot. But, I did, in fact, say that I already have a boyfriend and that I'm not looking. I let him know that up front. Then he proceeded to say, "Well, I can be your friend." I just want to let you know, (NAME), how much I really do love you and care for you. I would NEVER do ANYTHING intentional to hurt you because you're the greatest guy I've ever met in the history of ever. You make me happy and I don't feel like a lowly piece of **** when I'm with you. Just knowing that you're in my life makes me feel better about myself because it shows me that there's someone that actually cares about me. You care about me; and I care about you too; greatly. I really do love you, (NAME); and I don't want you to ever doubt that. You're my one and only and it's going to stay that way." He then proceeded to call me. I didn't answer because I was discussing it with my friends. Then I finally called him back. He said he was crying. I'm not sure if he really was or not because he always talks about how he fake cries and people believe it all the time. He kept apologizing and I accepted the apology. I stressed that it hurt me, but I'm glad he told me and that I love him and everything. Then he talked about how his number is public on Facebook and how there are guys wanting to date him on Facebook, so they have his number. This upset me again because of how he brought it up. I understand that there are other guys out there. There are other guys that want to be with him and everything, but throwing it in my face really bothered me. We kept talking throughout the night and I stressed that it didn't change anything about us. I just got really upset about everything and I wanted to make sure he knew. However, now I fear that his feeling may have changed towards me and he is annoyed at the way I reacted. I just need advice on this. Do you think I reacted in a bad way and do you think he is genuinely sorry?
First, I understand how this could be really upsetting and disturbing and probably very confusing knowing what to think or feel. The truth is, nobody except your bf knows what he's feeling or thinking. It seems clear that he's got some self-esteem issues. I'm not sure I buy the idea that no one has ever hit on him before, especially since you got a text from someone telling you that he's known to cheat. Since I see you're in Tennessee, I suppose that's possible. What confuses me is it the text doesn't seem like something someone would send unless they'd been hurt. So you combine those two and it does seem a bit suspicious. It's also possible that he had the guy hit on him, was intrigued/interested, gave his number, and then realized others who might come in contact you would know and called you to own up to it, either because he genuinely felt guilty, or because he realized that he needed to do something or else you'd find out and freak out. The business about his number being public on Facebook seems odd. Again, it sounds like someone who's very insecure and needs everyone to know what a hot property he is... which would also be consistent with someone who has difficulty with monogamy. So I'm not sure what your best course of action is. One thing that will definitely help is to talk to him, in person, face to face. Look at each other. It's harder to lie and misdirect when you are looking directly at someone. The best thing is for both of you to open up about what you're scared of in the relationship, because that mutual vulnerability makes the relationship stronger. I don't think you reacted in a bad way. On the contrary, I think being honest about what you experienced and how it made you feel was the best possible thing you could have done.
I can't really say what he is thinking or feeling, but I can say the "hesitation" excuse seems a little odd. I don't know how long this hesitation was but, regardless, I think it would have been easier to just say, "No, I'm sorry. I'm in a relationship", rather than taking the time to write down his number, or waiting for the guy to pull his phone out and then giving him his number. As far as the Facebook comment goes, it could have been an egotistical comment. "I'm the man, everybody wants this." Or it could have been him trying to make it seem like what he did (giving out his number) isn't a big deal because there are so many other guys that want him and already have his number. However, you didn't do anything wrong. You reacted in the correct way and told him how you truly felt. Now, if he feels some sort of way about your concerns (I have no idea if he does), then that's a separate problem. Good luck with everything.
Chip, thank you for your very detailed response. You're right, it really did upset me when I found out. I finally found somebody who makes me happy and comfortable with myself. When he told me, I immediately thought "He's such a great guy for telling me", but then I started to think about it and was thinking "Why did he give him his number?". About the text about cheating: There was this guy, let's say his name is John, and he was talking to my boyfriend before I started dating him. I was friends with John and I had no interest in my boyfriend at the time. John got a text message from somebody one night that said that, now my boyfriend, is known to cheat. John decided to forward the text to me and I told him that it was probably no biggie and that it's probably somebody getting jealous or something. Well, John and now my boyfriend stopped talking.. and then now my boyfriend started messaging me. We started talking and are now in a relationship.. So the thing about that text is, it wasn't sent directly to me. Instead, it was sent to John who was talking to him at one point.. Now I don't remember who sent the text to John in the first place, but I think I remember who it is. Let's say his name is Tim... My boyfriend had mentioned Tim in the past and that he wasn't a good person, he was a jealous person, and everything like that... Well a few nights ago, I found out that my boyfriend was "talking" to Tim at one point.. I never knew that as I always thought he was saying that they were never anything other than friends... I'm not positive that it was Tim who sent John the message, but I'm pretty sure that's who it was... I'm not sure what went on between Tim and my boyfriend, but I do know that Tim is 23 years old and my boyfriend is 17.. Which worries me that he was involved with him at one point.. Now to the hitting on part: My boyfriend said that he had never been hit on in person like that, or put on the spot... My boyfriend works at Starbucks. The guy that hit on him (who I've seen in there once before.. I went to the restroom and came out and he was telling my boyfriend that he likes his shirt.. obviously flirting..) ordered his drink and my boyfriend asked him if there was anything else he wanted... The guy said "yeah you're number."... My boyfriend said he was put on the spot, didn't know what to do as everyone could hear him (I'm friends will all of his coworkers pretty much), so he gave him the number. He called me on his way home and told me that it "wasn't bad or good" but he had to tell me something.. So he said "A guy hit on me today. It's the first time it's ever happened. I didn't know what to do because it was so awkward." and I was like "So did you give it to him" and he said "yeah. I didn't know what to do. He is very flamboyant and his voice is annoying. I was put on the spot, so I just did it" and I'm like "Thanks for telling me. He was like "i would rather tell you and you know from me than somebody telling you and you getting mad. If he texts me, i'm not going to reply." Well, after I got mad later on and told him it bothered me, he proceeded to add on to the story (not sure if it's true) and said that he told the guy that he had a boyfriend and wasn't looking. The guy told him that they could just be friends. Now I'm not sure if he is just adding that in out of fear that I would get mad and leave, or if it is genuinely true. When he called me, he was crying (not sure if it was really crying or not because he told me once before that he could fake cry) and was apologizing and saying that he is so sorry that it was a mistake.. he didn't know what to do.. and all of this. I told him it was okay and everything that it just hurt me and everything.. Now, getting to the number on Facebook: I understand that he has other friends. I understand that he has other gay friends and people that probably find him attractive and want to be with him. My number is on Facebook. His is on Facebook. I have no issue with his number being there, as mine is on there. It makes getting in touch with people much easier. However, the fact that he brought up the fact that "other guys want to date him" and "his number is public info for anyone, so that guy could have got it anyways" just annoyed me even more. I don't believe it's a solid reason to just give that guy his number anyways. He has told me in the past that he has self esteem issues. He claims he has very few friends and that everyone thinks he is weird and everything at school. I comfort him all the time and tell him that he is perfect the way he is. He has a great personality and everything. I wouldn't change anything about him. He only does slight things that annoy me such as being picky with food and waitresses and arguing with this guy at a different Starbucks about how he does everything wrong. He has bothered me multiple times on many issues.. I want to rant about the things that annoyed me in the past so you can see where i'm coming from: He was grounded a few weeks ago because he lied to his parents about spending the night at "Tim's" house.. Well, instead, he spent the night with me.. and he got caught.. So he was grounded from driving anywhere other than to school and work.. Well.. on my birthday, he was "still grounded", but he somehow went out with his friend Sandy. He didn't mention anything about it until he was out with her.. Then he was like "you can come hang out with us if you want" and all of this. I was annoyed because 1. it was my birthday 2. he didn't tell me he was ungrounded (which he wasn't "ungrounded" apparently). Well, I meet them at Starbucks. We go do things and everything. I felt sort of out of annoyed the entire time and I felt like he was acting differently with her with us. We decide to go to dinner and eat.. well.. I ended up paying for his, hers, and mine... on my birthday... There were no offers to help pay or anything. I ended up with the bill. That really annoyed me that night. Also, this is sort of a really dumb thing.. Before we got together, he was talking about how he wanted a dildo and how he didn't have one.. Well, about 3 weeks ago, he was talking about his dildo. I asked him "I thought you didn't have one?" and he was like "Yeah! I have one. I thought i told you?" and I'm like "no." and he was just like "yeah I've had it for a long time" and all of this. I think he knew it bothered me (he thinks it's the dildo that bothered me, but it was the fact that he lied) so he immediately was like "I'm sorry. I don't use it that much. I haven't used it in forever. I'm thinking about getting rid of it" and all of this. That just annoyed me to death. I am a person that strives on honesty and affection. Even little lies bother me. Back to the Facebook thing. I'm not sure why he made those comments. They bothered me though. I noticed weeks ago that there was a guy that commented on one of his statuses. The status was about grammar and how people don't know how to speak. Well, this guy commented "I'm getting so proud of you" and he put a kiss face at the end. This guy isn't from here, but I have seen his name and number in my boyfriends phone. It's probably no big deal or anything, but idk. He promises that he loves me, only me, and he would never do anything unfaithful. i want to believe it, but I really need everyone's thoughts. I saw him last night. My mother knows about what happened about the guys number and she texted him and said that if he does that to me, then she won't stand for it. Well, I told him I was around and he wanted to see me.. So we did. I apologized for my mom and told him I was worried that the relationship was at stake for me confronting him and everything. He said that he was glad I talked to him about it because he wouldn't have known it was wrong if I hadn't told him (umm. hello.. giving a guy your number in a relationship is wrong.. that's common sense.). I was like okay and everything. Then we started talking about trust and he said he felt like I didn't trust him now. I told him I trusted him completely and that if I didn't have trust in him, I wouldn't be with him. He was like okay good. and he was talking about how sad, emotional, and scared he was last night because he thought he ruined it all. He also talked about how he would never do anything to hurt me or this relationship and everything. He is spending the night tonight. I'm probably just going to act completely normal and he how he is.
