Hello, I'm new here and would really like some advice and support on this awful situation I find myself in. Basically I have known this guy at work for a very long time now, and to cut a long story short, I started developing feelings for him which stretched beyond just friendship, in other words I actually fell in love with him. His smile gives me the best feeling ever, his skin is so perfect (to me), his voice is amazing and just everything about him to me is flawless and perfect. He is the most beautiful looking person I have ever laid eyes on, and he has the most fantastic and wonderful personality to go along with it. One problem with all of this: he is straight, married and has a son. Over the past couple of months, it has become too much to bear. One day when we were on our way home from work only two weeks back, he told me in confidence that he is getting divorced from his wife, that they are still very good friends but that there have been no feelings between one another for a while now and that they just stayed together because of the son; now she has decided she wants to be with this other guy and they have decided to divorce. Now I am not deluded and do not let my wishes/fantasies get the better of me - I know nothing could ever, ever happen between me and my friend, and I know that you cannot make someone gay who isn't (just as you cannot make someone straight who isn't straight). However, the fact he is divorcing from his wife has made my feelings of depression over loving him even worse. I feel it has given me an opportunity to reveal how I feel about him, but to stress to him that I do not expect anything to happen and that I totally respect that he is straight...and that I only tell him how I feel because it is eating me up day by day and also because I want him to know that though his wife may no longer love him, I do. I hurt so much over him every day. Literally. He is on my thoughts 24/7 and it is becoming so dominant in my day to day life that I am becoming very distressed. I just feel that telling him how I feel (God, he doesn't even KNOW I like guys) would help me to get it off of my chest and then therefore be able to move on and get over him - and I also feel it would help him with his self-esteem that someone feels so strongly and powerfully for him (even if that person is another guy). I need to do something about this. What are my other options? I don't want to ruin the beautiful friendship we already have (albeit it is mainly in work) but I am not sure if it may be worth that risk. I am well aware telling him could make things extremely difficult, awkward ...if not intolerable, at work. I have thoughts of asking him to see me one weekend because I want to "talk" to him, and have visions of telling him and braking down in front of him as I tell him, and it makes me very frightened to think that I could just burst into tears in front of him and come across as a maniac who is obsessed with him. I just want him to know so, so much that I love him and that despite him knowing this, I don't want things to change between us and wish they could just carry on as they are. Someone please help me with this. If telling him really is not the best option, please tell me what else I could/should do. The situation is increasingly becoming unbearable and I am almost certain that nobody else out there has been through such a horrid predicament. I feel I am losing my mind over this and have even had thoughts of ending it all (although I honestly don't think I would). I do feel very lonely. Someone....this is a desperate and genuine plea for help. I have nobody to talk to and come to this forum in absolute desperation...I am in so much pain....someone out there, please help me.
Hey canneverdecide First of. Welcome to EC. Truly a great place to vent and get advice on : ) After reading your predicament I know exactly where you stand. I experienced the samething with a friend of mines recently. I think you should tell him about how you feel. If and only if your comfortable enough in telling him. It truly will be a weight of your shoulders. Once you do tell him and it's not the outcome you wanted. That would be a good time to reflect and figure out a way to redirect that love and energy from him to something else or someone else. I would write more but it seems to me you kind of have everything figured out : ) Last piece of advice, well more like a quote from the movie Selena. Where she freezes up right before she let go and went bungee jumping The guy tells her as she looks down to the ground "The hardest part is letting go" something to think about Best of luck
Hi. tacoma048 I really do want to tell him my feelings, but it is so frightening. I do think he'd be ok if I just came out to him, as he's such a nice guy, very laid back and very non-judgmental - of course it's one thing coming out as gay to someone and another thing explaining that you are in love with the person. All of this is making me very unhappy with my sexuality. I really do wish I was straight, and then I would not have this situation. At least if I was straight and did fall in love with someone, telling them wouldn't carry all the same risks as this does.
I agree with resu on here. You might want to come out to him first then a little ways down the road you can express your feelings. I actually came out to the guy I was digging first and he was totally cool with it. He didn't treat me any differently afterwards and I totally admire him for that. I think for us we tend to overthink it. Especially when we know the fact that they'd be ok with us being the way we are. Funny how things workout that way. You most likely are right if you feel he'll be ok with you. So nothing to fear there. When/if you do just text, message, call him just say "hey mister, I've been meaning to tell you something, nothing bad or anything like that. But I was wondering if you had time to get coffee or something to tell you" I went with hey bro let's go for a drive and once we were driving I proceeded to tell him that I wasn't str8 as an arrow. My words exactly. He then says it cool and that was it. It's also funny how back in the days, people use to say we have a choice on being str8 or not. Buy I truly believe we don't. If I was giving a choice I wouldn't choose to be the way I am (no offence to anyone on here, just my thing) either. However, we are who we are and we just gotta learn to enjoy it, I guess. After coming out to him, you might want to wait a little while before you tell him your feelings for him. One thing we all gotta remember. Even though at times it's hard to see. Is that we are all supposed to be right we are at the moment and that no matter what your situation is, thing has and always has a way of working things out in the end. It's a learning experience ya know. Best of wishes. You can do it!
Hi canneverdecide The way you describe a few things, sound something like what my son has tried explaining to me about a straight guy at school that he is really into. Reading the way you have described how it makes you feel, has helped me understand more about how my son is actually feeling. I'm in a tough position with my son, as he keeps asking for my advise on what to do about it. And it's really hard to say the right things to him and how best to advise him. To me it seems like he is hoping the guy will end up liking him, but i can't see it happening, but of course you never know. It seems like he wants to tell the guy at school and i'm not sure if this is the best thing for him to do as he is not out at school yet. I just wanted to thank you for helping me understand how it feels for my son too. I wish you all the best, what ever you decide to do about telling your friend. You sound like a really sweet friend to have
First of all, mumof3, I am glad you found my post and that it has given you some understanding of what your son is going through with his feelings for this other person. I was very touched by your message, I had no idea that it would be of so much help and benefit to someone else, by giving them an understanding of just how painful it can be, being this way. Now just a quick update. I am really more and more depressed now, since I first typed out this post, I don't know how much of it I can take anymore. I've had "infatuations" with straight men before and they've always died down/waned in the end, but this is so much different. My feelings are not changing. They are not going away. This is only getting stronger each day. I rang him up the other night on my mobile phone, and informed him that I had something to tell him, that I had a problem I needed to talk to him about...but then I ended up bottling out as I was just so so scared. He did say that if I ever needed someone to talk to about anything, if I am ever upset, that I can just call him and that it doesn't even matter what time it is. That's all great, but if only he knew that this was about him. I am so close to telling him that it is unreal. That said, the closer I feel to revealing my feelings for him, the more intense and deeper the feeling of absolute sheer terror. I really love him and value the friendship in it's current form the way it is, I don't want to damage it in anyway whatsoever or make things at work awkward or make him feel uncomfortable around me or think I am just some weird, gay, perverted creep who is mentally unstable and has an unhealthy obsession with him. He is my friend, very good friend and the friendship is so special, and I understand that by telling him how I feel for him, I run major risks of permanently damaging or at least to some extent changing that friendship in some kind of way. What do I do guys? I am ever so confused, frightened and feeling very much alone. This is eating away at my life (no exaggeration) and it is getting in the way of things, I am not able to focus on my job, on other things in my personal life. I am being eaten away by this depression and have had the occasional thought of just wishing I was dead (though I know I don't really mean that, deep down). I feel like telling him, even to face the rejection that would come afterwards, would help give me closure and be able to move on, so to speak. I feel like I want to tell him, but make it clear that I know nothing could ever happen between us and if at all possible, could we just carry on with things are normal, with things as they always have been and let our relationship be unaffected by this knowledge. I wonder if that could actually happen and work out? Why does telling him have to change anything? Does anybody here think it would be a good idea to tell him all this, tell him that the reason I am telling him is because yes I want him to know that he is loved and appreciated by someone, but that at the same time it will enable me to get over it? Would he understand? I am also scared he cuts me off in conversation, or decides he doesn't want to hear it and just walks away ...or even perhaps that he will react very, very badly. He is a very relaxed, laid back, care-free, kind guy and it's hard to envisage him being horrible but who knows what goes through a straight man's head when another man tells him, "I really love you" ? I am becoming very mentally (as well as physically) ill over this situation - again this is another desperate plea for help and if more people could come to this post and give their input on whether they think I should go ahead with this or not that would be greatly appreciated. If it's going to happen, it is definitely going to happen very very soon and I am very, VERY frightened.
Hey man, I've had a couple of crushes on co workers before. I don't mean to be harsh but from reading your post it seems like you are very infatuated with this person and you now have hope that you could rescue him from his unhappy divorce situation. One of my co workers and I ended up in a bit of a bromance situation as his girl used to be abusive to him and didn't like him talking to other women. I have found that straight guys in bad relationships with girls come to guys for a safe way of getting "affection" without having to deal with their current relationship. I guess its a form of escapism on their part but a bit harsh on the gay mans part. Also as this is a co worker if this went wrong things will be awkward at work for both of you. There is an expression... never s**t on your own doorstep.
wardrobeescaper hello I have had these feelings for him for a long time, before he told me about the divorce. Btw, he says he and his wife are still very good friends, they get on extremely well I think maybe they are best friends, the divorce isn't hard for him. He is ok about the divorce.
I just don't know what to think or do anymore, I feel like this is driving me insane (almost literally). I just know that I am going to ruin everything. I understand the risks involved as I say, but at the same time I am maybe prepared to potentially sacrifice the relationship in it's current form so that this is no longer bottled up inside me and so that I can have closure and move on. I don't know how much longer I can take this...I honestly, do not know.
If it's tearing you up inside, imagine how good you will feel if you tell him...even if the outcome is bad at least it's better than your mind going insane right now. Tell him that there's this thing that's driving you nuts, you don't know why it is, but you would feel better if you told him. Then tell him. I once had a deep infatuation for another guy. After not seeing him for many months, the infatuation became almost nonexistent. So, if things get really bad and you can't stand working with him, transfer to a different department/branch. I don't think it will come to that though.
Hey, crushes sometimes happen for other reasons. Are you lonely? do you have many friends that you hang out with? Are you unhappy with your work situation? I once had a crush on a coworker because he made me happy at work, work was making me miserable. When I decided the best option was for me to leave and then re evaluate the crush and perhaps me leaving the job would make the relationship easier. I loved my new job and forgot about the crush on the straight coworker. Its worth taking a step back and looking at the whole picture with you than putting all your eggs in one basket and saying being with this guy is the only thing that could make me happy.
