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Shamed by my family

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by hlnra, May 12, 2014.

  1. hlnra

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    I've been out of the closet for about a year now and its been the greatest thing I've ever done. I've still got some issues and I'm trying to work through them with my therapist, but what I'm struggling is in particular is my relationship with my mother.

    I know this is nothing new and many of us have issues with out mothers, but I'm at the point now where every time I see her its making me suicidal and I'm really having to consider my options where it comes to having a relationship with her at all.

    We've always suffered from control issues in our relationship and I come from a background where feelings are not discussed or understood. I've recently realised that I have often not known the difference between what she wants for my life and what I want for my life and I have spent most of my life living what she wanted for me. It is my sincerest wish to break free from what she has written for me.

    Before I came out last year our relationship had already been very rocky and I find it very hard to resolve issues with her as she will not talk about her own feelings. If I ask her how she feels she tells me how she thinks that I feel about it. There is a palpable air of disapproval whenever anything to do with gay people is mentioned and as an example, this weekend there were two pigeons in the garden and I said that she could name them, so she said that they could be Bob and Ted and I laughed and said that they could be a gay couple, she then immediately and angrily said that Bob "Could be Roberta" and then looked me straight in the face and said she didn't like them because they were stupid.

    I am aware that I could be being overly sensitive here, but how can I go about building a relationship with someone who is even against some theoretically gay pigeons? I just don't know quite where to go from here.

    Thanks for all your help.
     
  2. Lil Shorty

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    I know how you feel. My dad is they same way. But I learned that those who care don't matter and those who matter don't care. Meaning to say that if she really mattered she would love you for who you are . My dad says cruel things about lgbt all the time infront of me. He knows it hurts me but I think of the day where if he needs help I will make him remember the days he should've helped me but didn't. He will realize that it is what is best for me when I bring home the girl/guy of my dreams. But remember you have family on here that doesn't care what sexual/ romantic orientation you are. We will support you any way possible and we will care for you.
     
  3. jnr183

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    Helen, I'll try to offer you my insight as you were kind enough to offer yours to me.

    I am not yet out to my parents so cannot tell you how they will react but I expect that, although it will be difficult, they will continue loving me. But I can't be sure. They are both quite conservative and we are all practicing Catholics.

    One thing I have noticed over the past few years (again being of a similar age!) is how important my parents are to me and how much I want to have a good relationship with them. We live pretty far apart now so I only see them a few times a year. I hate that because I realize they won't be around forever and I will miss them like crazy whenever they are gone (both are fortunately in their 50s and in good health but, I'm finding, life is short). I am very similar to my mother and my father has always been emotionally a little distant but they have been wonderful parents to me. I am really lucky.

    That said, I can't begin to contend I understand what it is like to have nonsupportive parents, so I don't want to say I understand everything you are going through. But in the end, our parents are our parents and for those of us lucky to still have them around, I think we shouldn't give up on them. I guess I'd consider being a little more aggressive about confronting her with your problems- or maybe some sort of joint therapy?

    I'm not sure what the right answer is but I think cutting ties with her is the wrong answer. I hope that is helpful.
     
  4. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

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    The thing that really stood out from your posting is that your relationship has become so strained that you feel suicidal.

    Sometimes in life, we do need to put ourselves first. For your own emotional and physical well-being, you cannot ignore the strength of those negative feelings and maybe you do need to create some space in your relationship with your Mother.

    If conversation has become deadlocked and you are getting nowhere in discussing feelings with her face to face, could it work to write everything down?
    If you create space in your relationship, you will have time to think and assess and construct a well worded letter, in which you can outline all of your feelings without being dismissed or closed down. I think you need that. In the letter, you can also be more assertive and take back some control by setting boundaries or conditions for an ongoing personal relationship with her.
     
  5. DangerAlex

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    I was straight (not closeted, but legitimately straight) for 25 years. Then last summer, I made a new friend, and our friendship progressed well beyond the confines of your typical platonic friendship. By fall, we were in love and dating exclusively.

    I brought him home to meet the family just before Thanksgiving. People I expected to have problems with it were totally fine, and those I thought would be completely accepting were appalled. My grandmother, for example, was raised strictly Irish Catholic, so I expected that she wouldn't accept my boyfriend; to my surprise, my grandmother is the one who took the biggest liking to my boyfriend, and he adored her too. My mother, on the other hand, was visibly uncomfortable, kept her distance, and barely said two words to him. After my boyfriend left, I heard my mother talking to my sister in the other room. She said, "I'm sorry, but this is unacceptable. I don't agree with this and I can't help but see Dane differently now. I'm trying not to think less of him, but I can't help it."

    I was a little hurt at first, and this made no sense to me. My mother couldn't accept that I was in a relationship with a man, but the super-religious woman who raised my mother didn't bat an eye. I didn't know whether my mother was a lost cause or if she'd eventually come around. So I continued bringing Michael around--Christmas, New Years, St Patty's Day--and she started warming up to him. Now, I'm happy to say, my mother is quite fond of my boyfriend. She was too focused on his gender to see all his positive qualities, like his great personality, sharp sense of humor, his intelligence, how polite he is, and ofcourse how much he loves me and how good he is to me. Once she saw the person I fell in love with, she understood and began to accept him.

    So why am I telling you this? Well, I think that part of why some parents can't accept that their child is gay is that they are so focused on the abstract idea of homosexuality, which includes gay sex. They were probably brought up thinking that being gay is perverse and devious, and they have a hard time reconciling such negative perceptions with how they've come to think of their child. In my case, it just took some exposure to overcome that. My mother had to see with her own eyes that being in a same-sex relationship doesn't change who I am as a person and doesn't mean I'm being perverse or a deviant. She now knows that gay couple are just two people who love each other and aren't so different from heterosexual couples.

    Hope your relationship with your mom gets better, and I hope this helps in some way. It's just my two cents based on my own experience. Good luck!
     
    #5 DangerAlex, May 12, 2014
    Last edited: May 12, 2014
  6. saknetelmoot

    saknetelmoot Guest

    What I did is I extended my arms as far as I can in the communication department, in my case it was my father who I am having issues with. When I did that and felt he still...has issues and doesn't seem to be interested in resolving anything, I just put him in the back burner frankly. I did what I can, now I can go to bed in peace.

    I would try not to take it personally (I know quiet difficult), in my case I just think my father is not interested in being emotional, open or knowing about me, frankly I am not even sure why he 'started a family' probably he just went along the punches, and is uncomfortable with anything that is non-conforming or challenging. So I just cut down communication, and he seems comfortable with that, maybe your mom is the same way.

    Good luck.