Hey all, One of my major issues, I think, is that I have a scarcity mindset when it comes to gay dating. If I could only convince myself that there are "plenty of fish in the sea" for me, I think that optimism would greatly reduce my anxiety. I successfully fell in love with the second guy I ever went out with, which you'd think would help me feel like there's plenty of fish in the sea (since what are the chances of finding a great match like that so quickly if they're THAT hard to come by?). However, since he broke my heart more than a year ago (and replaced me in three months) I have gone on many first dates (it was perhaps a little excessive at times) and have not been able to find anyone who can excite me. The few guys that had some potential turned out to be flakes and things fizzled before I could really get to know them. The guys who are into me never seem to do that much for me emotionally, and I feel so guilty about hurting and disappointing others when I have been so hurt and let down myself. I am not a believer in "the one." I know there MUST be other guys that I can fall for if I found the first one so quickly after starting to date. But I have just not been impressed with what I've found, and I can't help but feel more and more like I won a lottery that I just wasn't ready to win, and now my ticket has blown away in the wind. I get stressed out by the feeling that I'm fishing in a very small pond and can't afford to be too picky. I keep wondering whether I shouldn't just settle for the next guy who likes me and seems to fit my values and personality, and hope that over time I can develop feelings for him. I guess I just don't know if holding out for the feelings I felt before is wise. Maybe it was my ex's mixed messages and underlying emotional problems that drew me to him to begin with. Is dating someone emotionally healthy always going to be less exciting? I want to be convinced that choosing to date guys instead of girls was the right path for me so I can stop doubting! I can't help but stare with envy at the grass on the other side . . . where the dating pool is much larger. How can I cultivate more of an abundance mentality? And I live in Southern California (my user name is So Cal Guitar Guy, not Social Guitar Guy, lol), so the problem is not that I'm living where there's no gay guys.
Based on what you've written here, my suggestion would be to take a break from dating and trying to meet someone and instead focus time and energy on things that are fun and interesting for you and which also have the potential to lead to you meeting someone. Going on date after date after date seems likely to foster a sense and vibe of desperation similar to what you see right after last call at a gay bar. This is often not an attractive vibe to people and can end up sabotaging your efforts. Similarly, just picking someone so you can say you have, even if there's no real chemistry between you doesn't seem likely to end well and is also unfair and potentially hurtful to the other guy who presumably genuinely likes you and isn't just 'settling'. It's possible the chaos in your ex's life was somehow exciting and therefore the lack of it feels like something is missing. But consider the costs that go with that excitement. Ultimately only you can know for sure about this. Getting back to the bit about doing other stuff...maybe look into Meetup groups, LGBT centers or charities or sports teams in your area. Or more general groups that are LGBT friendly. Go into them with the goal of doing new things, having fun, and meeting new people NOT as a source of dates. And then do those things and enjoy yourself instead of worrying about finding a new guy. In time you may meet someone that you click with as part of your more active social life. Or even decide to go back into the dating pool, but hopefully as just one of many things you have going on. Either way, meeting someone new becomes one more positive event in a life that is hopefully full of them, rather than the be all/end all of your time and attention. Hope this helps, Todd
