Hey sorry for the long post but I just need to get this out of my chest. I've recently moved to another country with my boyfriend. Our native country has little to non existence tolerance to gay folk. But people here has been really welcoming and everything is supposed to be easier. We have passed a lot and in a very short time to be here as a couple, but now I'm not sure to continue. So my bf has never been and expressive person. He has never taken my hand in public or kiss me or even touch my with affection. That I could understand when we were in our country, because it was dangerous and stuff. But he wasn't even comfortable doing it in front of gay friends or our family (he is completely out to his family and friends and so am I). At first it didn't bother me that much because in our intimacy he is a really caring and loving person. So after our first month here everything seemed to be fine. We got into small fights about domestic things of course but nothing to worry. I tried to be as supportive as I could, he left his studies, family and friends behind for me (I was offered a phd position), so he currently has "nothing to do" (not entirely true cause he's been practising his English in several courses to apply to uni here). I constantly invited him to every social event at the office and tried to be home early for him etc... The thing is, 3 months ago, he started to going out with some friends he didn't know personally (friends from a mutual friend in our own country). I thought it was ok for him to start building up a gang, but he didn't want me to meet them yet (strange). Then I became friends with this german guy in his English course (who happens to be gay), and started to refuse my invites to my events and hanging out with his friends by his own. He really likes being in social media stuff (always posting and instagram photo or some thing in facebook) but I started to realize there was not a single pic of me there or any mention of my name. After a while he said he didn't feel comfortable around me, that I was part of another world, that I make fun of him and his "world" and that he couldn't be himself around me. He asked me for some "time apart" I said it was okay. After many begging he accepted to be a couple again but with some ground rules, like having our own space and going out separately. I told him I didn't think that's what couple are supposed to do, but accepted it anyway. Everytime I went out my friends would ask me "So where is your bf?". Ashamed I could only tell them the truth "he's out with some friends". I mean it is ok to go out by your own a couple of times but ...every single weekend? So things were not going well for a long time and 3 weeks ago I asked him if there was smthing wrong after one night he got home a little drunk. He told me he couldn't be my boyfriend because boyfriends want to be with each other everytime, they need each other and he didn't, he told me he thought he had never been really in love with me and that he has tried , like reaally trid to be for me but it just isn't in him. Totally heratbroken I told him I understood perfectly that I deserved to be loved and he deserves to love someone. The thing is we have a lease together and he didn't want to come back to our country. So we took turns to sleep in the couch. I was reaally fed up with the situation so I tried to move one, and I went to a date with a random guy (not really into him, just wanted to feel someone actually cared). He found out about it and told me I was being unrespectful to our relationship. Honestly I didn;t care, in my mind I was doing the impossible to convince my self that i didn't love him. So this past two weeks he has been saying how sorry he is, how much of a dick he was for not caring about me. That he has now realised what he felt for me, that he should never have going out without me. That he actually loves me and wants to be with me. I finally gave up but I told him I'm not really sure, because I don't believe people can change their mind that easily, because that's how he is, cold, not romantic, uncaring. And I need someone who is proud of me, that "shows me", that holds my hand in public, I need to be in his "instagram" (as a metaphor and literally). So guys is it really possible that a person can change that much? Am I gonna get hurt in the end? Should I give him a chance to prove it or not? Im so confused :icon_sad::icon_sad:. PD: I think I'm not ready for this change. Yesterday he invited his friends to our house, almost forcing me to meet them (and I literally begged to meet them before). Maybe I'm a little proud, so I stayed at a friends house and I told them I wasn't interested in meeting them anymore. When I got home at night he asked me "where have you been? I thought you would come by, my friends where asking about u" and I got really pissed off and told him I have been dealing with this "where is your boyfrind?" issue since we got here and that I'm not in the mood to hang out with him and his friends just because he wants to (is it too childish?). Besides I was soooo jealous of his friend, he is way more handsome than I am, and I think my bf can be a little shallow so that's why he is posting all this photos with him (but this guy has a boyfriend too and now my bf wants me to meet them both). HELP! Im reaally confused!!:icon_sad::icon_sad:
To me, it sounds like your boyfriend is using you. He wanted to leave his country, so he went with you. He needs a place to live, so he lives with you. He probably started to feel lonely or maybe he started to like someone else but they rejected him, so he thought he would try to get you back.....? If my partner were to go back on their word after a week, I wouldn't believe them for one second. Maybe try spending some time apart and see what happens.
At first, I was going to agree with HeavyHeart, but it may be that your boyfriend was just lonely since he doesn't have any independent job besides taking some classes. That said, it mostly seems you two have drifted apart and he's trying to make things better. I think you should swallow your pride and take up his offer to get to know his friends. Don't worry so much about comparing yourself to the handsome friend; there will always be better looking guys, but your boyfriend chose you. Ultimately, you just have to look at your boyfriends actions and see if they represent a real change. If nothing seems to get better, then I agree that it's a good idea to spend some time apart. However, this may be tough for him to live on his own.
First of all I'm really sorry about the things your bf has said to you. He said he tried to love you but it didn't work for him, and that he thought he has never been in love with you. DRUNK. That's just awful and although it's common knowledge that alcohol tends to make the tongue a bit more slippery, there's stil room for lies. Do you think he was being honest when he told you this? I honestly find it really hard to believe that in that short amount of time he suddenly had enlightment. He agreed for both of you to love and be loved, and after you try and get over him the feelings he never had just magically come? I call BULLSH*T. It's your call whether or not you give him a chance, since you've already been hurt deeply by his words. Have you explained to him that you aren't just going to leave him in the streets if you find somebody else to love? Maybe he's just scared that he won't have anything left if you fall in love with someone else...and he's just using you. Or maybe the date was the wake up call for him. I don't know. What I do advise though, is to talk to him about how you just can't trust him yet and that you'll need time before you feel comfortable with the relationship again. Or just tell him how you feel about all this. Maybe you guys need to slow down a bit. But do take my advice with a grain of salt, since all my relationships never last that long ... I'm not good at sharing my feelings hahaha. Good luck, best of wishes and keep us updated (&&&)
Hey! Thank you for your responses! I don't think he is using me. But that's because I know how hard was for us to get here, he wasn't keen on leaving our country, but I convinced him and by the time we actually got here he was 100% on board. There is one thing I haven't tell you, back when we started dating I already knew I had to leave so our relationship in the beginning couldn't have been serious even if we wanted to ( he didn't consider back then moving as an option), so it was rather "informal". I hooked up with some guy I had met 2 years ago and when he found out he was really hurt (that was a really crappy thing that I did for which I'm forever sorry :icon_sad, but we worked it out. Later we decided that what we were both feeling couldn't be tossed away cause we were not ready to leave each other, so we planned moving together. I devoted my life to make him feel secure about us, and it was I who was always fighting for us to remain together. At first I did this because of the "hook up incident", to reasure his self confident, but later that I felt like I was doing all the work. So I also think that it is a little selfish from me to not be able to give him a second chance, not because I don't want to, just because I can't!!! Today we woke up and everything was fine. We started talking about random stuff, and he started bragging about his friends (like in a joking manner). In my head I just picture him having fun with much cooler people than me (ahhahaha that's the lamest phrase I've ever written), so out of the blue I told him to stop talking because I wasn't interested in anything that involved them. Obviously he got pissed .... but I can't control it!!!! PD: We have talked about the whole "I won't have nothing if you leave me" a thousand times and I think he is pretty convinced that will not be the case. I made him a promise before he quit uni (and the support of his family) that I would never leave him in the "street", and I intend to keep that promise :icon_bigg
Ohh I see now. I smell some low self-steem issues here. Your bf chose YOU. Come on, if he hangs out with other people and he has fun, that in no way means he'll stop loving you. Have your fears with him? Because it sounds to me like you're scared of knowing he's having fun with other people because that in some way will diminish your presence in his life...or something along those lines...I think
I think you have that right. But... Don't I have the right to be with someone that understands that and tries to boost me up a little? I feel like I've been the "rock" of this relationship far too long. I need someone to rely on... or Am I just being awful and too proud? Yesterday he mentioned going on holidays with some friends.... by himself, I got moody and after a while he tried to fix it by saying "if u wish to go of course u want". I think I'm just to hurt at the moment, beacuse all I kept on think was "If I were u would never plan a vacation without you ESPECIALLY after all I have told you" ... I'm still doubting everything!!!:icon_sad:
Of course you have that right! I thought that maybe your bf already tried all the time you were together. Maybe that's not the case, is it? Oh hun...you're getting hurt again. I seriously think you need time to think about yourself for now. Please keep us updated. Best of wishes and good luck
I think you need to tell him exactly what you're saying here. Tell him you feel like you've been the glue in your relationship for too long, that you need to feel like you can depend on him too, that he wants to be with you too, that he sees a future with you too. Maybe even use the trip with his friends as an example. Explain to him that if the roles were reversed, you wouldn't plan a trip with your friends and then tell your boyfriend "You can come if you want to." Tell him you'd plan a trip with your boyfriend and, if it was okay with him, tell yours friends that they could come if they wanted to. It seems to me like you want to feel like he wants you and needs you, but you just feel like one of his options and like you're competing with his friends. You don't seem to feel very secure, and that seems to be where your anger and hostility and pride and hesitation is coming from. If I were you, I'd have a serious talk with him, but with absolutely zero hostility, resentment, anger, or anything negative like that. Negativity is going to put a handicap on your conversation and keep you both from making any headway. But before you talk to him, I'd take a notepad and a pen and make a concise list of things you want to talk to him about. Include things like: I feel like I'm always the "rock", I need to feel like he's putting effort into this relationship too; I feel like I have to compete with his friends; I don't feel important; etc. Use this thread you've made and your posts to make your list because you've said some very telling things here, and just have a very civil discussion with him. I feel like while you're still questioning so many things, your pride and resentment is going to keep getting the better of you and you're going to keep being confrontational toward him. And that's create a whole new problem to deal with. I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful, but I hope this helps some at least. Good luck.
