He broke up with me..for now, how can I fix this?

I'm very sorry for asking for advice on this one but I'm really desperate. I'm in (or maybe was) in a 3 year long distance relationship with someone. He lives in Europe and I live around Asia. We've met on a chat site (not really a dating chat site) and we started to become really close until we ended up becoming boyfriends. 2 years ago, we decided to meet together in our place. No one knew about our relationship since we both are closeted. My boyfriend always wanted a no lying relationship and there shouldn't be secrets kept.

I never told him about the time where my cousin and I messed around when we were around 14 but we've only done oral together but never anal (I know it's gross) but that was when I was still discovering my sexuality and I've only mentioned this a week ago. He wasn't uncomfortable about what my cousin and I did but was seriously bothered that I never told him about this. He didn't like that I lied to him about not having any sexual experience with anyone.

My boyfriend has OCD in a way that it gives him obsessive thoughts about something that is negative and consequently he mentioned that he had to do breathing exercises from it after what I said to him.

I am deeply concerned with his well-being. There was another thing in which I never told him about. I have been web camming with strangers online and done some sex acts. It was more of a no-strings attached kind of thing and I never gotten close with them since I just went there to ease off my sexual urges. I was already guilty upon doing this since I know that I am screwing things up so I ended it. I stopped going to webcam chats and decided not to tell my bf about this ( I did this around January and I stopped doing it around February).

But these past few weeks. My conscience was eating me up. It kept telling me to tell it to my boyfriend about this and he deserved the truth and deep inside I know the he knows since his intuition is mega strong. I confessed about it last Monday. At first he was telling me it's ok but as I tell him all about it, he said he was breaking up with me..for now. He said he needed some space. I asked him if he still loves me and he didn't say anything. He said he couldn't trust me and I was a liar.

I love him so much but I know what I did was so stupid. I've been crying since the breakup and we even planned on meeting again this July. I tried messaging him again and was asking if there's a chance to get back again and wrote this:

"you’ve lied so many times.
i know deep down you mean well, but this was something i told you from the start… no lies
"there’s no turning back. i will never trust your word again.. it’s not my choice, remember that. you made it that way.
you broke my trust, broke your promise and you were selfish
please get professional help about your sexual fetishes and tell your mom about everything that happened. maybe that would be good."
i messaged you everything i had to say

now give me space, please. i need space"

I was willing to do anything. He has made a lot of sacrifices for me and all I did was to screw his life. I never lied about loving him and I never did. When he said these things to me, It felt like I didn't have the right to move on and deserved to not be happy for the rest of my life. I was willing to change myself.

I had three things that I needed to do: Do not be selfish, Do not lie , Do not break promises. I really really love him and I always regret the wrong decisions that I made. I do not want to accept that everything's over. At this point I don't care if we aren't getting back together. I just wanted to make him happy again and I do not where to start.

 

I talked to my friend (who knows both of us on that chat site) and he told me this is very minor? I didn't really see any hope from it but what changed my mind was when he was telling me that when he mentioned about his ex boyfriend who cheated on him, my boyfriend insisted on forgiving him. My friend truly believes we can get back together and said He couldn't give up on me easily. You're right, giving him that time is probably the best thing I can do from here.

 

I appreciate with what you guys all said. He messaged me earlier and he pretty much confirmed that we are not getting back together. He says we can be friends but it's very unlikely that we will be in a relationship since it will turn out to be shitty.

I truly regret everything I did but moving on is probably a great idea.

 

So he messaged me again.
He said he won't ever forget the things I did to him and said he's very angry which is completely understandable.

He pretty much told me anything that I deserved to be heard or told but one thing that truly made me feel more ashamed of who I am was when he said that he doesn't think I will ever change, that I will keep on hurting other people and that I was selfish because of this, that I will never stop lying.

This hurt me so much because it probably is true. I won't ever change of being who I am. That I'm bound to hurt other people. I hated myself more because of this but I want to prove to myself, I want to prove to him that I can really change and it doesn't matter if we do get back together seeing as which it's not really possible anymore.

I try to change. I try to do to a little cleaning in our house, I help my sister fix her room and try not to raise my voice at my dad. I haven't been on any dirty websites ever since and trying to be careful not to make others upset because of me.

At this point he doesn't have to forgive me because I feel like I don't deserve it at all, not from all of the crap that I have given on him.

 

It's the OCD that is causing him to not breathe regularly. He was my first and I really do think we were meant to be, it's just that I have made a huge mistake and wanting to change that for him and for me.

 

Not that I'm defending him or anything but he did tell me that I will never change and I only will if I stop being selfish, I would just like to clarify that one and yes, I will try to move on from this mess I made. I hope I get to figure out my life as well since I should have gotten a job but was delayed because we were supposed to meet together this year.

 

So here's a little bit of an update from all this. I tried to message him again and said that I don't mind if we aren't boyfriends anymore but I asked if we can still be friends at least and he said that he needs plenty of alone time first and that if we start talking now, we both will suffer more.

He said he can still be my friend but he's still hurt and doesn't see me as he once did.

I think he really wants me to talk to my mum about everything but I'm still apprehensive about it because I cannot financially support myself incase she disowns me.

 

UPDATE:
Apparently he read my diary blog which I never knew he was following. He's read some of the things I mentioned from this forum and now he's angry again because he read the part where he was "manipulative" and "controlling" because he thought I'm making him the bad guy in this in which I NEVER said he was. I never blamed him for anything and I always acknowledged that I lied and cheated on him which he thinks I'm only feeling guilty because he flew all the way from here but I feel guilty with what everything that happened.

He thinks I mentioned all of these things publicly but I never did. I posted this ANONYMOUSLY online.

It may seem that I just made things worse. I do not know what to do anymore, seems like leaving him alone for good was the best idea but apparently I screwed him again on this. I feel like I can't do anything right anymore.

 

I really needed this. Thank you for your advice, I have already decided to disconnect from him for a while and even talked to one of our friends (since my ex is blaming him and he thought he was the one who was saying that he was "controlling" and I don't want anymore misunderstandings)that we aren't going to talk to each other for a while.

I vowed myself to stop all of the shitty things I did in the past and I'm trying to become a better person.

 

I still do care and love him but I guess our relationship isn't going to work out at all. I've planned a lot of things in our future so much that I don't think I would be with another person anymore and seeing as which I'm afraid that I end up hurting other people with my mistakes. He said he still cares for me but what triggered him again was the things I posted on that diary blog which I ultimately deleted.