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A journey of saving the one you love

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Fighting2SaveU, May 17, 2014.

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  1. Fighting2SaveU

    Fighting2SaveU
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    Hello everyone! I am new here and hoping that I am posting this correctly and in the proper area! I am sorry in advance if I make any errors as I have never actually posted to a forum before! :grin:

    I have a few questions and need some personal advice from multiple individuals, so all input is greatly appreciated!

    I have a friend (We shall call him S) who I have been best friends with for approx. 4 years now. We have had multiple fall outs, but some way and somehow we always manage to find each other. He is "Straight" *cough cough*, and I am gay. Although he has said in the past that emotionally he is bisexual but only for me, but physically straight. (He deny's this now)

    Since the first month that we had met, we have been experimenting sexually. We have had a lot of attempts, but never "finished"... (Sorry if this is TMI)

    We would start, but he would ALWAYS stop me no matter what and that was the end of it. Now, with that being said, allow me to share some vital areas of his back ground.

    He came from a home with an abusive father. He was around Alcohol and Cocaine for a big part of his life with his father who was a welder. His father and mother had a divorce when he was at a young age, resulting in S having anger issues with his mother, especially after his father died a few years later from OD on pills and alcohol.

    He has looked up to his father all his life and loved him so much even though he was abused by him. S was a good kid growing up, but as soon as his father died, he took it extremely hard as though it was his entire fault and that he didn't deserve to live anymore.

    As a result of his father’s death, S has turned heavily to alcohol and is an Alcoholic. He does not drink every day, but when he drinks on his days off (Works in a dry camp) he drinks to intentionally get wasted and he can never stop at just one drink, he can sometimes binge for 10 - 15 days at a time. With this being shared, S has also had some big encounters with Cocaine but is clean now.

    As S grew up, he has blamed himself for everything and takes no blame for anything else in his life. He was heavily addicted to Cocaine for approx. 5 months and I was forced to hold him at night rocking him back and forth and he cried, screamed, and called himself a monster for all that he had done to his family. At the age of 16 he was forced to go to Juvenile after attempting to break in to a vehicle while drunk and assaulting the officer that caught him. He has been to jail on numerous occasions as well. He has had numerous assault charges pressed against him and he still has some pending in court.

    Now for more touchy stuff... As mentioned above, S and I were very close physically although nobody could ever hear of this or he would likely kill himself. So this went for approx. 2 1/2 years, and after we both worked to get him on the right track of stay clean again, he text me one day stating "No more sex, no more sucking, no more nothing! No hugs, No Kissing, No more "I Love You", No more touching PERIOD!" and this all came out of nowhere.... We never had an issue with this and he just decided that it was not right for him anymore..... So I respected his wish with all that pain that followed.....

    At this time he had started a job across the country working on the pipeline and he was getting aggressive on a daily basis as I had noticed. He lost his job shortly after 2 months and has never been the same... nasty... rude... arrogant... down right destructive!

    This is when we had our fight and he assaulted me and caused severe bodily harm on me while drunk. After what he had done to me, he had multiple suicide attempts while sober and drunk because of what he had done to me! We couldn't speak to each other for some time, but after we began to speak again, everything went back to the way it was...
    Me holding his hand, him crying in my arms, telling each other we love each other, resulting back to the sexual side of things a TINY bit, and bonding once again like the old days... I had him back!!!!! I HAD MY S BACK!!!

    But then he started working up north in Alberta and everything changed... again... He is a drunk 4 out of his 5 days off every month. He has slept with multiple women unprotected and has contracted numerous STD's that I have taken care of for him personally. He is getting more drunk than ever, more aggressive again than ever, he will not hug me anymore, touch me, say "I love you", nothing... If I text him while he's away "I miss you" he replies with "Lol" and that is all....

    I'm scared... I have counted 22 people that we know in common that he has had sex with in the past year our Facebook’s alone. This does not include the 5 girls at his camp and his friends back in his home town where he has a real rep for being a slut. I don't want S get Aids one day over a bad decision, and he knows damn well enough that if he ever had Aids or Cancer, that I would get two jobs and move him in with me so that I could take care of him until his last day.


    Now this is my belief, and correct me if I am wrong!

    But I feel as though S has been forced to grow up WAY too fast, he has a deep insecurity over his sexuality and life in general. I feel like he is in a consistent battle to prove his sexuality now more than ever after our encounters. And I also believe that he is still deeply grieving over his father after being gone for 7 years now. In my eyes, I see it as being childish and just finding a crutch to use for an excuse. But I have been there myself and I know this is not the case.

    Does anyone else think that his consistent, unhygienic, and unprotected sex with strangers, friends, co-workers, and ex's may be linked to our recent history and him trying to prove to himself that he is straight? Does anyone agree that he is trying to "Man Up" or be more like a man due to his insecurities and fears that his father may have never loved him once the truth was exposed over his sexuality? (S's brother came out about being gay after their father passed, and S and his brother are now closer that S knows his brother is gay) I feel as though that he is putting on a thicker and stronger mask than ever now that he is working up north again because he works with over 2,000 other people in the same camp. He has to act like a tough guy and call other people "Fella, Bud, Buddy, Buds" and acts like a down right ass while saying "Just out for a rip are ya bud? Just out for a rip?", and the worst part is that he brings this nasty attitude back home with him and it's costing him all his friends. He will not use protection to save his life, and his drinking and driving is notorious!

    I fear for the safety of others and my best friend... I fear for my "Partner"... ( As we called each other in previous years in privacy, which he claims we are now just "buds" )

    I feel I should sit him down and talk but he will only tell me to shut and up walk out the door. So with this in mind, I had the idea to give him $50 for 2 hours of his time to turn off his phone, and sit and watch psychology movies with me, relating to the sex and drugs abuse, the insecurities, and masculinity and identity issues. ( I know he won't watch them unless he gets a reward........ )

    And I understand full well that I cannot change my beloved S, however I want him to have a good picture of what his road could lead too with his current actions. If he chooses to change and get help, than FABULOUS! But if he decides to say "Screw It" and drink after, that is also his choice... I would only like for him to have a good dose of reality and what could come to him if he should continue on his current path.

    I love him enough to admit that I would marry him, and this he knows. He seems to find pride in telling everyone that his best friend (Me) is in love with him and it makes him feel good to tell others. I often catch him saying things like "I will kick him in the dick after you quit your job" and when I ask why? He replies with "Because of how he treats you like dirt and you deserve better" but when I reference back to that comment later, he claims he just doesn't like the guy and that I really have nothing to do with it. Just like a few years ago I asked him if he would be jealous if I had sex with other men and or if I got a boyfriend. His reply was, "Absolutely!" but now he takes it back and claims that he couldn't care less only weeks later... This is the same guy who kissed me in day light, down town, during rush hour, right on the lips in front of a ton of strangers just because I was crying all day and feeling really down. But then the kissing stopped in public and in private.

    I love my S with a pure and magical passion! And if he chooses a women, than I understand. I have come to terms with the fact that I may never have him again! But none the less, I cannot stand here and let him fade away like this... It kills me to know that I am not doing enough for him and that he needs serious therapy and needs to bond emotionally with me again and cry for a while. But he just seems so reserved, so foggy, so cruel, so unlike the real S that I fell in love with...

    I can only tell his mother so many good things for so long before they turn to lies. His mother is a wonderful and amazing person, and in reality, she had every right to divorce his father with all that was happening. She too wants him to get help, and she agrees that she thinks the oil patch is ruining him just like the booze.

    As long as he is happy, I will do my best to be happy, but of course I will never let him see my true emotions. I just need to know that I gave my best, and did my best for him.

    Can everyone that has read this please give me some feedback? I don't care if you think your experience may not relate, because none the less, everybody’s experiences are valuable to me!!! Everything and anything you all say will be greatly and deeply appreciated from the bottom of my heart!

    Thank you! :kiss: (&&&)
     
    #1 Fighting2SaveU, May 17, 2014
  2. WhiteShadows

    WhiteShadows
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    I'm really sorry you've had to go through all this pain with your friend :frowning2:
    I... don't really have any good advice because I've never been in a situation this fragile.
    I've made close friends before... who were pretty messed up emotionally and went down the wrong paths... I think it's important to support them, but there's also only so much you can do for these people. You're not responsible for their lives.

    I think trying to get your friend some professional help is necessary. A rehabilitation center or general support center might be an idea. The problem is just convincing him to go. You could also tell his mom your concerns.

    Unfortunately, it seems like he's also denying his sexuality pretty hard... and there's not a whole lot you can do with people who deny themselves like that... All you can really do is tell him to stop denying himself and hope he listens...

    Sorry that I'm not of much help :/
     
    #2 WhiteShadows, May 17, 2014
  3. DangerAlex

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    I'm very sorry to hear about your very difficult situation. While I haven't been in a situation exactly like yours, I have had similar experiences, particularly with a buddy of mine who was very self-destructive, so I'll try my best to relate and tell you what I would do in your shoes.

    When I met the dude who would become my best friend, I was having a very difficult time and going through a very dark period in my life. My girlfriend cheated on me and left me after telling me she was pregnant and the baby might not be mine. Then in therapy, I uncovered a repressed memory involving my being molested for several years when I was younger. I was harming myself on purpose and using alcohol and drugs to numb my pain. When I met M, he saw I was having a really hard time, so he took me under his wing. He said things to me like:

    "Don't worry, buddy. I'll always have your back."
    "Nobody and nothing will hurt you while I'm around."
    "You can always count on me, man. Always."

    We even started referring to our close friendship as our being brothers. Our circle of friends would say we were like Siamese twins; where there was one of us, you'd always find the other.

    As time went on, he really started helping me. I got a little better, and a little better. I came to really depend on M a lot. He was the brother I never had, and I loved him (platonically, not romantically) like he was my own blood. But as I was getting better, he started changing too, but he was changing for the worse. He was sleeping around promiscuously, drinking more heavily and more often, doing more drugs more often, and just generally spiraling out. On my 21st birthday, M and I went to DC to hit some clubs. We had a blast, too. We crashed at my aunt's condo for the night, then drove back the next morning. When we got to my house, he got in his car to go home, and that was pretty much the last time I ever saw him.

    In the next several days, he started ignoring my calls and texts, blowing me off, and I heard from mutual friends that he was hanging out with them but laughing about how he was blowing me off. I tried to talk to him about it, and he'd just ignore me. So I blocked his number, blocked him on social media, blocked his email address, and decided that even though he'd done a lot for me and been a really good friend for a while, I don't need friends who can turn on me so suddenly for absolutely no reason.

    Like I said, my situation is a little different from yours, but I see some vague similarities.

    First, it sounds like your friend is definitely on a path to self-destruction right now. He's alienating himself, partying irresponsibly, being promiscuous... He's likely doing these things because they cover up the pain he feels. Unfortunately, aside from being as supportive as you can be, there's not a whole lot you can do for him. It sounds to me like he needs professional help in one form or another, whether it's seeing a therapist or going to rehab.

    Second, you can't force him to seek help. One of my favorite expressions that I've found to be totally true is: You can't help someone who won't help themself. Yet another way to say it would be that people who don't feel like they need help are very unlikely to accept help. He may be perfectly okay with destroying himself. Maybe that's even his goal. You've said he's tried to kill himself numerous times, so it sounds to me like he's given up on life pretty much. At this point, I'd have a discussion with his mother about his condition. With him regularly putting his life in danger and having attempted suicide numerous times, his mother deserves and needs to know. Maybe she can intervene and convince him to get help. And maybe you could offer to assist in any way you can with getting him to seek professional help.

    Thirdly, I feel like you need to set some healthy boundaries. He's being emotionally abusive to you because you've shown him he can get away with it. It doesn't sound like he's very appreciative of how you've always been there for him and how loyal you are. It's like the expression that goes "Don't make someone a priority when you are only their option." Don't always be at his beck and call, and don't let him disrespect you. If I were you, I would cut back on reaching out to him and let him reach out to you. And don't dote on him and coddle him emotionally. I would start being a little distant with him. He's either going to see he has been taking you for granted and make an effort to be better to you, or your going to realize he's not worth your time and energy, at least not when he's on a rampage like he seems to be.

    Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. Good luck.
     
    #3 DangerAlex, May 17, 2014
  4. Fighting2SaveU

    Fighting2SaveU
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    WhiteShadows: Yes, my friend does need professional help and as you said, it is indeed a very fragile situation. I feel lost when I'm away from him, but the moment that I hear his voice or see him, I instantly feel as though I belong with him and that I have comfort again.

    When S is not around, I feel more calm, but as mentioned, I do feel so lost without his presence. I lived with him for a few months at one point and I would always stay awake past him so that he would not be disturbed by my snoring (He is a very heavy sleeper as long as he is asleep first) and his snoring drove me nuts, but I learned to fall in love with it as now I can hardly sleep without the sound of his heavy breathing and faint snores.

    I am looking to seem medical advice for him soon, however I just don't know what else I could do to possibly convince him to give it a try. He's promised me to that he would go to AA meetings with me but then he changes his mind when I try to put the thought into action and he simply replies with "I don't have a problem, so I am not going. I don't feel like listening to other peoples stupid problems. I'm not an Alcoholic. I just like the taste of booze and want it more than water" I think that in its self says there is a problem.

    I really appreciate your reply, I hope that I can find some form of solution to this without having to take myself out of his life for him to look for the answers.
     
    #4 Fighting2SaveU, May 18, 2014
  5. Fighting2SaveU

    Fighting2SaveU
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    DangerAlex: Thank you for your reply, I have seen on multiple levels what you mean by S taking advantage of me. I am certain that he does it unintentionally and I wish there was some way that somebody could say "Hey, listen... you have a great friend man and if I was him, I would not hang around you with how you treat him" but alas, there is no such thing like that in this world. When I mention it to him, he does not see it and just claims that I am being whiny and needy.

    So with that being said, I am looking to cut back, however I don't want to cut myself completely out of the picture. S and his mother both said to me a while ago that if I hadn't stayed in his life through all the hell, than S would have likely either became a full-time alcoholic, or he would be dead by now. I truly love him, but I just cannot seem to grasp how to say "No" anymore, I cannot grasp the thought of depriving him of something that he wants or desires!!

    As much as he needs help, I know that I need therapy too from all that has happened.. And I don't know where to turn... It's a really crummy feeling when you wake up feeling tired and stressed out with a pain in your gut and that is all...

    My most recent FaceBook post is:

    "I'm tired. Just tired, okay? I'm tired of waking up to the same routine, tired of the same stress, tired of the same life, tired of the burdens, tired of all the same faces...

    Never have time to go out, never have the money to do something nice for myself, never have energy to try anymore yet I still do...

    I just want to sleep, and to never wake up...
    Maybe then I could feel at peace with you in mind..

    It's depressing when your bad dreams make you feel better, rather than your own reality..."

    I am generally good at figuring anything out. But when it comes to relationships? This was my first relationship ever if you can even call it that... And although I am good at problem solving, it is common for me to always be stuck at the very first move to make. But once that first move has been explained, I can soar with flying colors from there on.

    Thank you very much DangerAlex!
     
    #5 Fighting2SaveU, May 18, 2014
  6. awesomekid

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    I can relate with everything that you have gone through. I unfortunately, became his enabler without realizing it. I even did something that till this day I feel ashamed of. It is something thy I will not mentioned as I am trying to forget. I have been through hell and back with him and I have not gave up on him not will I. Many people have told me to walk away but if I can help him I will and I won't stop till he is sober again. I know what it's like to not know how he is doing or who he is with or if he is taking drugs etc. it has been a crazy journey between him and I but I can honestly tell you to pray and be strong. Go see a therapist for your own sake. Express yourself on here and vent. But so not give up on someone because I am sure that if any of us were on their shoes, we wouldn't want someone to give up on us. Talk to him and don't give up. When you feel weak and don't have the strength to help him, pray and ask God for guidance. Pray for him as well. I cannot stress how much praying has helped me. I know the depression that you are going through, I understand you 100% because I have been there. And although my friend is sober now, at times I feel as if he might be lying to me but I put everything in Gods hands. Him and I have argued so much it's not even funny. Respect and puts yourself first but don't give up on him. Understand that he is going through a lot and we all cope with things differently. Life is not easy for everyone. And it's hard for us to put ourselves in their shoes since we don't know how they feel or what they are thinking. Try to understand him and have lots of patience with him. Best of luck to you and I hope everything works out for you.
     
    #6 awesomekid, May 19, 2014
  7. all paths

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    Dear Fighting,

    I agree with several different things that you & others have said:

    1) Get a therapist's support for yourself. You cannot help anyone else unless you're taken care of and alright, first.

    2) Pray for him, and for you.

    3) You may have to 'walk away,' in order for him to get better. By walk away I mean creating some time and space distance, and, if you can, emotional separation. Just enough so that you can breathe, and aren't dragged down with him. This does not mean abandoning him or not loving him; it just means getting some psychological "air," and also unlatching his dependency upon you, somewhat. Talk to the therapist about this whole part, though.


    (*hug*) I'm sorry, my friend. I don't envy this heartache and exhaustion for you, at all. You (and he) are in my prayers. <3
     
    #7 all paths, May 19, 2014
  8. DangerAlex

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    When my friend abandoned me, it wrecked me from the inside out. But on the flipside, I had to take matters into my own hands as best as I could and try to avoid this happening again in the future. I wanted to avoid creating a "vicious circle," because I knew I loved him enough (as a brother, mind you--not romantically) that I would probably allow him to keep coming back and then abandoning me again and again and again. So when he walked out the door, I locked the door behind him and that was that.

    Fast-forward four (almost five) years to today, and M has been in prison... for a bank robbery. After he bailed on me, he got into drugs even worse and ended up robbing a damn bank. And although losing his friendship did a major number on me, I'm also kind of glad I wasn't associated with him when he did that. I could have ended up unknowingly being he getaway driver or something ("Hey man, my car won't start... think you could pick me up across the street from the bank?" I could see something like that happening), so when I think of all the trouble he was yet to get into, he sort of did me a favor.

    He served three years for armed robbery of a bank. And then last week totally out of the blue, he friend requests me on Facebook, and I almost had a damn heart attack. I don't know if you've read my story I posted on here, but in short, last summer I fell for and started dating a guy for the first time in my life, and we're still together. In the process of getting to know each other, I told my boyfriend all about M and my colorful past, and although he's been very understanding, he's admitted that it all scares the everloving shit out of him.

    So I had to tell him M friend requested me. I didn't respond to it, and actually his friend request is still awaiting response in my inbox.... I don't know whether to approve or deny it, so it's just sitting in limbo for the time being. Later that day though, I got a message from him... "I'm out little brother. Can't wait to hear from you." Again, I almost had a fucking heart attack.

    Since then, we've messaged back and forth three times I think--small talk, nothing heavy. He did apologize for what he did to me though. He admitted to taking me for granted knowing that I'd always been there for me, and using me, and so on. It was the apology I didn't know I'd been waiting four, almost five years to hear, and I finally got it. But I'm still scared to death to talk to him, for a lot of reasons.

    I don't want to get sucked back into our old routine, and him be able to take advantage of me or take me for granted again. I can't trust that he wouldn't at least try to do that again. He also encouraged my inner party animal back then, and while I didn't get carried away with it like he did, I still can't say he was the best influence on me. So I guess I'm afraid of him turning me back into the person I used to be and the person I've spent years growing away from. I've made so much progress; I'm nothing like the person who was cutting himself and trying to commit suicide and who was everyone's doormat, and I'm quite proud of that.

    My heart is telling me that I do miss my old best friend, my brother, the guy who had my back and looked out for me through such a bad period in my life... but my head is pointing out how he abandoned me, how he got into drugs really bad, how he robbed a bank and just got out of prison, and is telling me to stay far, far away from him.

    I'm telling you this because I feel like you might be able to learn a lesson from my own plights. For my own benefit, I had to distance myself from him. And even though he's trying to work his way back into my life now and even though it's possible that he has his shit together right now and wouldn't be a negative influence on my life, I can't risk it. I can't risk that he won't fall back into his old ways, and end up dragging me down with him. My boyfriend is terrified that would happen, so also for his peace of mind, I need to just stay away from M. As hard as it is--thinking of all the good times and everything he's done for me in the past, it's hard not to message him and want to be friends again--I know I'm just better off.

    I really think you'd benefit from some distance, honestly. At this point, your friendship isn't the same as it used to be; it's actually hurting you because he's mistreating you more often than not. You have to think about self-preservation at some point. I agree with others who've said you might consider therapy for yourself, too. I've been in therapy pretty much consistently since I was seven years old with just brief periods here and there when I wasn't, and it is so exponentially helpful. It's great to get an objective, outsider's perspective and opinion; sometimes an unbiased third party can see things much more clearly than you can, because you're involved and are emotionally invested, and emotions can cloud judgments.

    I really hope this works out for you though. I can tell this is a really difficult situation for you, so I wish you all the best.
     
    #8 DangerAlex, May 19, 2014
  9. Fighting2SaveU

    Fighting2SaveU
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    awesomekid: Thank you for your reply. I take comfort in what you said, about being able to relate. Often we feel so alone in this world and we feel as though, nobody wouldn't notice if we were even gone. I'm sorry that you had to go through the same thing as it is a living hell. But I appreciate all that you had to say!

    ---------- Post added 23rd May 2014 at 02:55 AM ----------

    all paths: Thank you for your feed back. I am going to seek therapy shortly and see what develops. I will also try to separate myself as much as I can. Lately he has began this "Hiding" and "Lying" game which is severely upsetting me and he is finding enjoyment in it. (Yes he admits that sometimes he upsets me and makes me cry intentionally)

    But I think I do need space because of how short my fuse is. I thank you once again for what you have said! I don't think anyone would envy my situation :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    ---------- Post added 23rd May 2014 at 03:04 AM ----------

    DangerAlex: You have been tremendously helpful by sharing your past experiences and I thank you so much for doing so! I'm afraid I may need to push him away, perhaps farther than I really feel comfortable doing. In all truthful honesty, I am burning out in every way imaginable. It's been getting to the point where he is now only calling me when it is convenient to him and when he needs something. Mean while I discovered he is now sleeping with another girl and is dating after only knowing her for less than a month. With this being said, he is also denying that he is seeing anyone, yet everyone else is telling me otherwise. He does not like me knowing when he is dating because he is afraid that I will get upset and bitch at him. And in all truthful honesty, I would under these circumstances!

    I hope we can work through this and become close again, but in all honesty, from one honest soul to another... I just feel tired... I feel broken... I just wish some days I could disappear without his world falling apart like always and then me feeling bad when I haven't been there. And by the same token, I wish I could disappear and come back later without having to see him smiling and laughing with everyone else, while hardly acknowledging that I am back...



    heh..... I just want to go to bed without tears...
     
    #9 Fighting2SaveU, May 23, 2014
  10. all paths

    all paths
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    :tears: Aw, Fighting.

    *hugs tight*
     
    #10 all paths, May 23, 2014
  11. Fighting2SaveU

    Fighting2SaveU
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    Thanks all paths

    *Hugs super tight*

    I hope things work out...
    PS. Latest update:

    He's in another town right now, claiming to be staying with his buddy, who is actually sitting right next to me and has not heard from S in months.
    He is sleeping with one girl from high school that he just found online who moved to the area a few months back.
    Sleeping with another girl just out of town that he met about a week ago, and claims he is going to see one of his old buddies but actually isn't, as mentioned earlier.
    And he is now talking to his ex girl friend again and they are making plans for the middle of this week to "Get Drunk!" and "Hook-up".... again!

    All while he left camp early by making up some BS excuse, and now is off for 2 weeks, and still hasn't seen me in the past week that he has been back. (He left camp and $3,000 worth of hours on his pay cheque for these girls above. They all want to get smashed with him and drilled hard as they put it)

    I can't stand the thought and images anymore.... I can't stand the thought of him getting an STD... This is seriously freakin killing me... I can't stand the thought of him giving himself away to so many others who have hurt him so much, and who have never really cared enough about him, WHO HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO DESERVE HIM, but yet here I am sitting alone once again... Waiting... waiting for that one day that he will make love to me all the way... considering he has put me through hell and I am one of the longest friends he has ever had and I am the only friend that he has been so dedicated to protecting him so much, who has stuck around and done their best to help clean him up... I'm the only one that has proven my love and he see's it... But once again, he shows me pictures of him "inside" a girl just to upset me, like he's in such a harsh denial...

    maybe one day he'll see me for who I really am on the inside.. maybe one day he will stop giving himself away to all those that never truly cared about him, maybe he will learn to give himself to someone that works their asses off and who are dedicated to him... and maybe one day he will finally make love to me... and maybe with some luck it will be before he gets a serious STD....

    but I'm done, bed time, night everyone.

    Night all paths *Hugs*
     
    #11 Fighting2SaveU, May 25, 2014
  12. DangerAlex

    DangerAlex
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    You deserve so much better than how he's treating you. He's essentially pissing all over your feelings. He knows how you feel about him--and even if he didn't (which doesn't seem to be the case), the way he's treating you is still disrespectful and actually kind of sick--and yet he's purposely doing things to hurt you.

    I know you love him and you've been friends with him for a while. I understand how his doing things like this is making you miss the OLD him and want him back, but truthfully, it doesn't look like that's ever going to happen. He either thinks your feelings for him will let him get away with these types of behaviors while still being able to depend on you and use you whenever he needs to, or he's actually trying to hurt you and ruin your friendship. Or maybe in some sick way, he thinks doing these things will help you lose your romantic feelings for him; stranger things have happened.

    No matter what his motivation is for his actions, I fully believe you need to distance yourself from this guy. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved and who can't or won't save himself. He is willingly and enthusiastically destroying himself; you can either have a front-row seat for the show, or you can walk away and save yourself the pain of seeing pictures of him fucking random girls and his lies and just everything else he's doing to you. At some point, you've got to consider self-preservation. How long are you going to torture yourself waiting for him to come to his senses and choose you? It seems to me like he's doing these things knowing that that's what you want, and doing all these things to you is like saying, "Oh, you want me? Well this is what I have to say about that!"

    I'm still so sorry you're going through this. You really deserve so much better. In a lot of ways your experience is very similar to mine, so I kind of sort of know what you're going through. It was hard, but I had to completely, totally cut all ties with him and block every form of communication between us. If I hadn't, I know he would've continued using me and taking me for granted for as long as I would have allowed. At some point, you've got to stand up for yourself and say, "No more. I deserve to be treated better than this," and walk away.

    I wish you all the happiness you deserve, and I hope that you reach some kind of resolution to this soon. Good luck.
     
    #12 DangerAlex, May 25, 2014
  13. Hyaline

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    I think you are getting excellent advice to distance yourself from him.

    It's possible that the loss of his father is effecting him in a way to makes him try ot seek constant acceptance for who he is. Sex (even with strangers) can be a way some people validate themselves. "See this person likes me because they will sleep with me."

    Truth is, you need to work on you before you can help anyone else.

    My first crush is a pathologic lair. Still is. He lives very near me and my hubby and I've seen him a few times, but it has taken almost 15 years for me to feel ambivalent about him. He used me and took advantage of the situation at just about every turn. Everyone else knew and recognized it but me. Took me going in the military and being physically away from him to finally cut ties. Of course this was long before the internet kept us constantly connected with everyone. In my case, mine has said he'd like to speak to me in private too "get some things off his chest". That was almost 4 years ago. I told him I was sorry I wasn't available and he said "if it doesn't happen, it wasn't meant to be"..

    Being in a better place now has really helped me focus on getting past stuff like this in the past. Moving forward at the time was one of the hardest things emotionally I could have ever done. Looking back, I kick myself for not doing it sooner....
     
    #13 Hyaline, May 25, 2014
  14. all paths

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    *big hug* to you, Fighting.

    I can only agree with the last two posters, sweetie.

    It's just a sick relationship, from his end, at this point.

    And I don't want you to get sick because he's willing to take you down with him on his path to destruction (I agree with DangerAlex's way of putting it: "He is willingly and enthusiastically destroying himself"). You deserve to live, sweetie. And to not bleed from your heart with every breath when you're within his sphere of influence.

    It's time to let go.

    I think it is going to take a LOT of work for you. A really compassionate therapist.

    And I'm not saying there won't be floods of tears. :frowning2: Just that, the difference between being near to him and having those floods of tears and parting ways with him and having them is: You get to live, at the end of the latter. And the tears are purgative and eventually, healing.

    Know that you're not alone. (*hug*)
     
    #14 all paths, May 25, 2014
  15. Fighting2SaveU

    Fighting2SaveU
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    Latest update: S has to move at the end of this month and so far has not found a place to live yet. So now he is planning on couch surfing for the next few months seeing as he is only home for a few days a month. But with this being said, I just learnt last night that he is staying with other girls that he has been sexting with. He has a real thing for single mothers that have had multiple children. And so far his whole list of people to stay with consists of only single mothers. Tonight I visited him for an hour before work and he was smashed again... He blamed me tonight for the fact that he burnt his hand on the oven tray when I wasn't at his house yet. Just as he kept glaring at me again in front of his room mate and he said (And I quote) "I couldn't think of anything nastier to say to you right now" as he is smashed (also erect) while watching American Pie and he's telling his room mate and I about how he would love to bend over that red headed nympho on the movie.... Last night I asked him if he wanted to go for a cigarette and so he joined me, but he finishes faster than me and cannot wait 3 - 4 puffs for me to be done before he walks back inside and slams the door. (This has been going on for a long time too)

    Now this is where it gets interesting... Near the time I had to leave for work, I followed him upstairs and he stripped to his boxers and crawled in bed. I put his new cases on his pillows and pulled out the brand new blanket I had just bought for him. He lay there when I tucked him into bed, just like a child. I grabbed him some water and an Advil, he took both. We spoke for a few minutes. And for the first time in months, I leaned over while he was still awake and I gave him a small kiss on the cheek and he never once tried to push me away................ S has not let me tuck him in to bed in a very long time, let alone letting me kiss him again while I rubbed his belly. This was the way it use to be and for a split moment tonight it had come back. I almost wonder if he forgot to put up his walls around me when he was drunk...

    ALSO!!! I forgot to mention that I had posted a status on Facebook the other day saying "I'm seriously done with you treating me like shit!!" and I was not even referring to S. And he messaged me on FB saying, "Don't talk about me in statuses!!!" I told him that it was not about him and he would not believe me to save his life. He was dead positive that it was about him! So he said "Go Fuck Yourself you pathetic bitch" and that's when I stopped replying.... Then the next day he asked for me to apologize to him and I told him once again that it was not about him and he finally just said for us to drop it.... Now I need to ask myself... Why would he think that status was about him? Do you think it's because subconsciously he knows that he's been treating me like so and therefore he feels that it is about him?

    DangerAlex: I think that week I had away from him had put some things in perspective for me. I'm going to try my hardest, but with my current employment change, and my bankruptcy finishing, I don't know if I could emotionally handle all this right now. He still owes me a lot of money as well and he has now started paying me back again but my next concern is... "Will I be throwing away $2,300 if I distance myself?"

    He is sick, and he needs help... I used to have a couple of nudes of him on my phone from a long time ago that he gave me permission to take. And when S assaulted me, he smashed my phone to pieces so that I wouldn't have them anymore and so that I could not call for help during the assault. Since October when the assault happened, he won't even take a picture with me for the oddest reason, like not even a picture of just our faces for Facebook! But yet he is showing me the pictures he is sending to these girls with him being fully erect with his face in the picture and everything. It's like he is telling me "I know what you want, and that's not what I want." I saw him yesterday and we had a bit of a fight and he told me once again that he intentionally upsets me most of the time. He tells me that he treats me like shit because I deserve it. And I know personally that he often does things to upset me because he believes that doing so will in fact make me fall out of love with him.

    We had a pretty big fight a few months ago and I yelled at him that I no longer loved him and that in fact I hated his guts... I think what made me sick was the fact that hearing this gave him the biggest smile I'd ever seen... Once he sobered up, he never mentioned a word of it again. One day I told him that I lied and I was sorry, that I in fact still loved him and I was only angry at the time and his response was "...meh whatever"

    Just like the night before... he stayed at my place and I gave him a hug in bed but he has not wrapped his arms around me in months, just lays there like a corpse while I hug him.. I said "I love you!" and he replied with "Back at cha amigyooo"

    He doesn't seem to think this all hurts me..

    Hyaline: I am looking to start a new job doing long haul trucking. I'm thinking maybe with some luck that if I am on the road that perhaps that will distance us as you had mentioned happened when you had gone to the military. I don't know how else I could distance myself that easily without having to seriously preoccupy myself. Especially when my phone bill says between 2600 - 2900 minutes per month used calling his number on a regular basis.

    all paths: I don't know where to get help anymore and I only wish I had my old therapist back again. But now that I am 25 I can no longer see him as I had to be a youth.. I'm feeling so lost all paths. What do I do?!?! I feel like breaking... I just wish I had another friend here that could understand me, and that would let me bitch and rant for as long as I needed without judging me... Someone that I knew I could trust and confide in...
     
    #15 Fighting2SaveU, May 28, 2014
  16. DangerAlex

    DangerAlex
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    So he hurts you to try to make you fall out of love with him, but flaunts himself--walking around with a boner, stripping down to his boxers in front of you, being sweet to you on occasion--at other times, which is either to torture you or he enjoys the attention he gets from you because of how you feel about him. He sounds so incredibly egotistical, arrogant, and selfish.

    How and why did you have nudes of him on your phone? I know you said he let you take them, but how and why did that happen? With him being aware of your feelings for him, I'm just not really sure why he would do that.

    The more I read and this back and forth, hot and cold shit he does, the more I feel like he truly enjoys fucking with you. And that is really sick. I'm glad that the distance you got from him gave you some perspective. I still feel a lot of my own experience with my friend in what you've been telling us; there are huge differences, but some of the situations with your friend are uncanny in their similarity to what I've been through, and there were never even any romantic feelings between us.

    I don't think I was aware he owed you money and had started paying you back; or if you've told us, I must have forgotten. I guess you don't want to completely cut him off and risk not getting paid back because $2300 is quite a chunk; but at the same time, is it worth allowing him to continue treating you like this and playing games with you and causing you such emotional/psychological trauma for any amount of money? In the meantime, you could always just try to cut back. If he treated you better more consistently I don't think it would be such a bad idea to just go about things as usual until he'd finished paying you back, but I can't in good conscience tell you to do that after hearing about the way he treats you.

    For being someone you'd grown so close to, he sure does treat you like shit now. And from what I can tell, the only thing you've guilty of is being a great friend, there for him anytime he needed you. It's a real shame that he'd piss all over such a stable, dependable, meaningful friendship. I'm all the more convinced that he has some sort of issue(s) for which he should seek professional help, and that's he's knowingly self-destructive right now so it's just best to stand clear of the debris field.
     
    #16 DangerAlex, May 28, 2014
  17. dapulu

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    You need to cut him off. PERIOD.

    I'm going to be blunt: it seems to me that the emotionally dependant one in this situation is you. He's doing whatever he pleases and you're just keeping it up because you "can't live without him/he's sick" What BULLSHIT. I can't believe you let him treat you like that.

    I'm sorry but this kind of situation just makes me angry. ONLY HE CAN HELP HIMSELF. You're just helping him be more comfortable with his crappy life, thus prolonging it.

    I'm sorry if this seems offensive, because that's not the point.

    Best of luck and wishes
     
    #17 dapulu, May 28, 2014
  18. joshy the queen

    joshy the queen
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    my friend and i arent the same but i will tell you what happened with me hoping i could help as i have read everything and every update i have been there you just cant let him go you love him so much you want to help him get over it you want him to be the best friend he was but all he does is treat you like shit
    my friend i will call him tuck was really a good friend we were so close we tell each other everything we hang out 10 times a week even though we live way too far from each other tuck has a girlfriend and he is straight (as far as i know) he holds my hand whenever we walk together he get closer to me and always flirt with me he is the nicest guy but suddenly things has changed
    his poor family have been kicked out of their home
    his girlfriend is fighting with him alot and he is afraid she would dump him
    and im always there for him and he keeps kicking me out he knows i love him more than a friend i bet he does but the thing is whenever i asked him are you ok he tells me to fuck off
    next day i say hi and he talks to me like he didnt say anything
    then when i text him at night he told he was kicked out of his home and he is sorry he didnt tell me (i didnt know back then)
    i searched for a home for him and his family while i always try to talk to him he is too busy fighting with his girlfriend and smoking his smoking gets out of hand to the way that he is having a heavy headache idk why but he have been to a hospital and never told me i always try to help i told him to stop smoking he never cared he just tells me to fuck off alot when i talk if he is ok or when i ask him to stop smoking
    after he lived with his grandparents and i got to see him more he still smokes more than ever and he stopped holding my hands getting closer talking nice flirting he is a mean friend now he even stopped saying i love you which we used to get mad at each other (not really mad) if we didnt say it before we say goodbye we were so close but all his problems got him way too far he is another person now he is a smoking addict and maybe worst soon and he because im always there for him he throw the worst part on me and im coming out to him soon at least just for the good as he always pretend nothing is happening but from what happened last time im guessing to move the coming out part with him a little bit as its not the time for now
    my story is not so related to yours but what im trying to say is when they get so much hurt the first they try to do is to make us fall out of love with them and they just keep throwing all the shit on us because we are always there:icon_sad:
     
    #18 joshy the queen, May 28, 2014
  19. joshy the queen

    joshy the queen
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    and please keep us with the updates as i would be so glad to hear and try to help as much as i can ^^
     
    #19 joshy the queen, May 28, 2014
  20. Fighting2SaveU

    Fighting2SaveU
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    S is sick, I know this, I want him in my life forever. It kills me the way he looks at himself in the mirror all the time and calls himself Fat or Ugly, or that he is a monster. It makes me sick with how he looks at me as someone that isn't important anymore, and it kills me how he looks at every blasted vagina that walks by, and he wants in it.... He is now staying with a friend and she has 6 kids and is 10 years older than him. Her oldest son in only 10 years younger than S... I already know they are having sex. I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore! I'm getting sick...

    I found out today that I have shingles running all across my shoulders, neck, back, buttocks, groin, and the back of my legs.. My doctor even told me that he has never seen an out break like this in his 29 years of practice. All he can do is tell me to take some antibiotics and to stop stressing so much about things in life!

    I guess what I am afraid of is that there is nothing S and I have not shared. So how do I share with him that this could be the end of it? Would he even care? I don't want to know the answers anymore!!! I had nudes of him DangerAlex on my phone because we used to have sex but we never finished, but for that reason he never had any issue with taking a picture naked for me.

    Interestingly, S never had many friends in this town AT ALL! Until he dipped into the cocaine. After he got into cocaine a few years ago, he has made multiple friends and ever since he has had all these "Friends" and he has started having sex more than ever and has had multiple girl friends. And every girl friend that S has had, has lead to him hurting me some way. The first girl friend we shall call "C", when S and C started dating, he was sneaking around her so that he could come see me, she didn't like that fact that he was best friends with a faggot. It wasn't until she found out that him and I were having coffee that she got nasty. That is when she made him choose between me and her and of course, S chose C when he had only known her for a month and knew me for a year.

    After S and C were over, he came back... But then S met L and things hit the fan again. S wanted me to meet L, I met her, we got along, then S had a few too many drinks, start dissing me in front of a bunch of people I didn't know, calling me fat, ugly, lazy, I have a piece of shit car, etc etc. So I drove S and L home, and then as S was leaving, he punched me across the face, smashed my car deck with his fist, stole my cigarettes, and nearly got my iPhone. That is when I told him to get the hell out and never talk to me again. But then of course we made up, again... Now S meet's A! A is a drunk, a complete lush, she beats her daughter, beats her pit bull, and S is in love with her... So now A is getting S drunk almost every night for a month straight and is feeding him Tequila and Black Label which are dynamite for him. She is only doing this to make him immobile to anyone else so that he is stuck with her fucking her in every position, in every room, in front of her daughter even...... So I pick S up to take him home, he is mad so he lets the pit bull loose on me as a joke, the damn dog took a chunk out of my hand, S feels bad and beats the shit out of the dog while I am trying to stop my bleeding. I take S home, he wants to talk about A and I don't want to because I had just lost my job that day and found out that I had to move in only a week... So out comes a butcher knife, extension cord, and he rips off his cum and blood stained boxers... He gags me with the boxers, ties me up with the extension cord, drags me outside now that he is half naked and starts feeding my shots to the head in the middle of the street. By this time there is a crowd of people around watching, I am nearly dead at this point, and all I remember was him start kicking my head into the side of my rim on my car and seeing stars literally shine around me. Next thing I know, I wake up in the hospital with a broken cheek bone, two badly damaged arteries in the back of my neck, half my hair missing because of stitches, a pulse that I can still hear 8 months later that sounds like a bass drop, and to find out within minutes from waking up 2 days later, that I have permanently lost my hearing on my left side and will never get it back as when he smashed my head into my rim, he literally blew up my ear drum...

    What fucking more do I have to go through for someone to finally admit they have a problem? What more do I need to fucking do for him to see that he is killing me and that I not only deserve his respect and love but that I demand it! What more do I need to do when I turn the tables so much with the legal system that I am crazy enough to have all charges dropped against him but with conditions when I wasn't even the one charging him for the assault. What more do I need to do, I am breaking, I am freaking, I am crying, I am losing my fucking mind, I just want to curl up into a ball and pray for the lights to go out and never come on again.









    ...all I ever wanted was to be loved... something I didn't really get when I grew up with my broken family... all I ever wanted was for somebody to "want" me... somebody to miss me... somebody to love me... somebody to look at me, touch me, hold me, kiss me, love me... the way my S always had until now....

    he didn't always use to be this monster... at one point, he was the most amazing soul i'd ever met... to this day when we both stare into each others eyes as we do daily... i see a glimpse of my boy, my sweet S... a glimpse of the love of my life... and when we are both mad at each other, and we both stared into each others eyes, we both forget what we were mad at each other for... we both just fell in love together harder than before...

    i think the hardest part for me was when he promised me that he would defend me to the death, and promised that he would kill anyone that would ever try to hurt his beloved teddy... (me)... but just for me to later discover that he was the one that i needed protection from... and now i have no one... again... im just giving up.. im done... i don't want this anymore...

    i'm seriously ready to just end all this shit already!

    ill be back tomorrow to finish this off.. nite
     
    #20 Fighting2SaveU, May 30, 2014
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