Hi everyone, in the beginning of my relationship I wasn't completely honest about my previous relationship with my new partner. I didn't know where it was going and I didn't feel like telling him all my business. Then things got more and more serious, and 9 months down the line it's still going very well. I never told him I lied, because I feel bad at the thought of confessing it after so much time. Lately, though, I've realized to what extent honesty is important in a relationship. So, I've been wondering if it makes sense to come clean about my lies in the beginning. It's small stuff anyway, nothing major... but still something that I have done for 9 months. I don't know if that is going to hurt him and nothing more, or if he will appreciate my attempt to be more honest with him. What do you think?
It's hard to say as we don't know what the lie is. If it's really small or minor stuff that will not have an impact on your relationship, you could say nothing, but why wouldn't you? Certainly, if it's something quite important (something you would expect to know about in his situation) then you should tell him. If he finds out later, it will cause a whole lot of damage. Honesty is best, but you don't find out everything about a boyfriend in a few short months. It does take time to get to know each other and if he's reasonable, he should appreciate that. If you tell him, just explain it in the same way as you've explained it to us. Just my opinion, see what others think.
The lie is the following: when I met him I was in the process of breaking up with my ex. Our relationship was more than dead, but we were still seeing each other, mainly to talk because he thought we could still save something of it. So, when I started dating the new guy I had to meet my ex quite a few times, since he wanted to talk and stuff. This is something I never said to my new boyfriend. Actually, I tried to cover it up...
Tell him. Better to find out sooner than later. Tell him it's been bothering you and you care for him so you want to be fully honest with him. Just my two cents good luck.
Yes, just be honest that you weren't completely finished with the relationship. You should emphasize when you finally stopped talking to your ex.
Totally got to tell him. And, for the record, this is totally not ok and if the situation ever comes up again, you need to really think so you don't repeat the mistake. Building a relationship on lies is not ok and if I were your bf, I would seriously question your integrity overall, especially since you were going out with him before really being over with your then-current bf. You can't change the past, but you can learn from it, and you can hope that your boyfriend will listen and take it in stride and forgive you. But not being truthful at this stage is not, in my book, an option.
Ok, but I'm the first one to realize my mistake, that's why I'm asking. Chip, I value your opinion, but I honestly think that your answer is a bit too judgmental for someone who's asking for advice. Of course I'm not proud a second of what I did, but it's human to make mistakes.
Here's my two cents: Imagine for a second that the roles were reversed and he's the one who lied. Imagine that the things you feel you might need to tell him are actually things he wants to tell you. Would you be more upset that he lied and never told you about those things, or would you want him to tell you and be understanding that it was a new relationship and these were things that you thought might affect his opinion of you if you told him too soon? I did pretty much the exact same thing with my boyfriend, and tomorrow we'll have been together ten months exactly. I told him the truth about 95% of my past but omitted the most gruesome details. And as time went on, I got more and more scared to tell him because we were getting more serious, which made telling him that I'd lied to him scarier. In the end, he found out about that other 5% from someone else and not from me. We ended up having a huge fight about it--our first fight ever--and he told me he understood why I didn't tell him in the beginning, but that he wished I would've been the one to tell him. He said the most upsetting thing wasn't what I'd lied about; it was that I'd lied, and he had to learn the truth from someone else. So learn from my experience... Tell him, sooner rather than later. You might have a little argument or fight over it, but you'll both get past it. Tell him what you lied about and why you lied; give him the full picture, and more than likely he's going to understand. No matter how big or small, I can almost guarantee that what bothers him most won't be what you lied about, it'll be the fact that you lied. But I really think that, given it was a new relationship and you didn't want to scare him off or for these things to change his opinion of you, he'll understand. And if what you lied about are really just small, menial things, you should still tell him. It'll show him that lying to him, even about tiny things that don't really matter, bothers you and that you're very unlikely to lie to him about anything in the future. I hope this helps. Good luck!
Thanks Dane, I really appreciate your advice. And you're right: if he came to me and admit he had lied about something, I would appreciate it very much. It would be an act of respect and honesty towards me and, even if the news shocked me, I'd be happy in the end.
I told him. He was completely understanding and supportive, he said that he appreciates the honesty and that he loves me. Couldn't ask for more
Good on you for telling the truth. You took a big risk, but you definitely did the right thing. I'm happy to hear it worked out.
