Hey people, Way back in August, I wrote a post about deeply, deeply caring for a girl, but not knowing if I was in love with her and being terrified of breaking her heart as a result of that. After I calmed down my anxiety, I realized she was way to important to me to lose and we are still dating (for 10 months now!) *sigh* well, kiddies... i guess you could say the doubt never went away, but that doesn't seem entirely true. Over the remaining months I've grown so close and attached to her. She's given me everything... taught me so many things.. been the most supportive and amazing woman I could ask for (and yes, for the record, I told her back in August about all this after my anxiety got so bad I wanted to rip my skin off). Basically, I feel really attached and close to her. This is kind of a big deal for me because it's hard for me to get close to people because it makes me feel out of control. (dont ask me how that makes sense) I am definitely sexually attracted to her. And can see a whole future with her. It's a beautiful dream. And i've felt that my feelings for her were like friendship only deeper and more passionate (and sexual). I don't have many friends.. so maybe i just don't know the difference. But... fuck.. i've never been in love before. And I guess i still don't know if I am. Everyone says you should just know. So, I thought that obviously i shouldn't be doubting this long right? It's been 9 or 10 months now. I mean, i should fucking know by now. Doesn't that mean I don't love her? Granted, this question should have come up earlier, but I was doing that annoying thing where I try to control my emotions and basically tried to force myself to be sure. Anyway, I recently stopped trying to control the shit out of my sexuality and emotions..so... there it is. I dont fucking know. I was convinced this weekend that I couldn't be in love because i dont 'just know' so I was thinking that we'd have to break up. I was crying for like 8 hours straight I did get the massive urge to kiss her really hard a bunch of times. And everything reminds me of her and I just... guys, I just have a lot of fucking emotions and I don't know what they mean and I'm tired of struggling. So tired. That's it. I guess I should also mention two things: 1) we're supposed to move in together soon (don't know if its gonna happen now obviously... It's a long distance relationship and I think the distance might be aiding a lot of the overthinking but yeah doesn't seem smart now that i'm doubting) and 2) when I test myself and try to imagine myself with a (fictional) other girl, it does make me excited emotionally. Yes, I know I'm a bad person. So, i could really use some feedback... thanks
You are not a bad person. Take things one step at a time. The fact is, the definition of love depends on each person's experiences and personality. Since you don't have experience doesn't mean that you should be always second-guessing what's happening. Love is more of a process than just something in a checklist. ---------- Post added 18th May 2014 at 07:09 PM ---------- Also, when you do live together, you should try to avoid always being around her. This may be hard due to your need for control. Try to make time for other friends/family (with or without her).
