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My dad's homophobia and my 13-year-old brother

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by AwesomGaytheist, May 18, 2014.

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  1. AwesomGaytheist

    AwesomGaytheist
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    Everyone in our family has suspected for a long time that my brother is gay, and some have been more vocal about it than others. He's quite flamboyant and effeminate and my dad hates that about him. You can feel it. He's said it a few times, just in a disguised way, as because of his Aspergers, he's afraid of the fire alarm at school, and whenever there's a fire drill, he's taken out of the building before the alarm goes off. My dad told my mom to call the school and have them stop doing that, because he needs to "man up" and that he doesn't want him being bullied all through high school.

    Today my dad called my brother a wimp and a fairy because he was tired of getting hit by branches while walking through the woods. I've never really had any emotional attachment or, well, I'll go ahead and say it, love for my brother, I'm worried about, if he is gay, how it would go when he came out. My dad absolutely hates that about him, that his voice is high and that he likes game shows and playing the piano more than action movies and rock music. He hates that my brother wants to join the bowling team in high school and not the football team.

    At first, things between my dad and I had gotten better. That is, until my mom left for Ireland, and now he's back to his pissy, condescending self that I went away to college to get away from, and fought like hell (and lost) to stay away from.

    I've decided that, based on the way he treats my brother, that I'm never going to come out to my dad, and I'll probably just have to play their game for another 3 or 4 years before cutting him out of my life. I thought that after the recent events that maybe things would get better, and that someday I'd be able to come out to my parents. I thought he'd made strides, I believed my mom that he'd changed. But it was all an act.

    My heart is hurting, crying from what has happened over the last few days, and I'm shocked. He had me snowed. I thought he'd really changed, I really did. And he was different at first. And now he's basically ready to completely destroy his already bad relationship with his other son. It was much worse a few years ago, back when my brother's violent behavioral episodes were even more common. We were finding "I hate Dad" written on his bedroom walls. I never took it that far when I was younger.

    While going through some old files looking for my birth certificate, I found some printouts of one of the college football forums that my dad has posted on for a number of years and found the one thread he started when my brother was born.

    "Words cannot describe the amount of pride I feel right now."

    What a damn funny way of showing it, daddy dearest.
     
    #1 AwesomGaytheist, May 18, 2014
  2. confuzzled82

    confuzzled82
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    I know this might seem tough, but you might want to try to get closer to your brother. Sounds like he's got the same frustrations with your parents (especially your dad) as you do, but is less equipped to deal with them. Though it doesn't really matter much if he is gay, if he is, he's really gonna need help, and you are likely to be one of the best people to help him. (*hug*)(*hug*)
     
    #2 confuzzled82, May 18, 2014
  3. bingostring

    bingostring
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    not sure what to say about your father. He sounds like hard work
    .. but I did want to ask if you are "there" for your brother - he may need your support in all this whether he is gay or not… I mean in both senses are you there : are you around and also 'close' enough that he can ask you anything?
     
    #3 bingostring, May 18, 2014
  4. AwesomGaytheist

    AwesomGaytheist
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    Nope and he never really even talks to me. He's got his mom usually who babies him because he is the youngest, but no, we do not, never have, and never will have the typical brothers relationship.
     
    #4 AwesomGaytheist, May 18, 2014
  5. BryanM

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    First I'll start off by saying that your father sounds like a giant piece of work, and I can see why you are going to cut him out of your life when you graduate from college. As you're already 19 and evidence points to him not being any more open to having a gay son, it seems only logical that you would do that.

    I will say that I too happen to have a gay relative, a cousin, who moved to Florida last year, and will be coming back to attend college in state. We've never really had a familial bond either, nor a friend-like one, it's always been more of an acquaintance-like one, and we happened to be bonded by blood somewhere down the line that we couldn't control. I've probably told you this before, but I plan on creating a friendly bond with him, and maybe using our shared sexuality as a way to establish that bond. It could be possible to do the same with your brother. One thing I do suggest is that you do be there for him, though, because it sounds like his dad really does not like him.

    I probably didn't help at all, but if I did, I'd be glad to have helped you.
     
    #5 BryanM, May 18, 2014
  6. shadowraptor

    shadowraptor
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    My dad is the same kind of way as your dad is. He constantly calls me "gay" or "fag" because I'm very feminine, and I like a lot of things that he hates, for example while I'm into classical and pop music he likes rock and blues; where I like swimming and figure skating he likes football and baseball. I've never been very into sports, which he resents.

    I have a younger sister, and like me, we don't have the greatest relationship with our dad but we love our mom to bits. In addition to the gay insults he throws at me for my feminine behavior, he constantly calls my sister "queer" or "lesbian", even though, unlike in my case, his insults are pointless as she is VERY into boys.

    I still have a very rocky relationship with my dad, and since I'm more open to being a homosexual I've gotten a bit more effeminate, which he's picked up on and uses as a platform to insult me. However, he makes it clear that, in spite of this, he is proud of me. Either way, I'm never coming out to him.

    Anyway, I'm making this about me where it should be about you, AwesomeGaytheist. You should definitely strengthen your bond with your brother because you share a common distaste towards your father; that is how my sister and I have become so close. Talk with him, and remind him that your dad's insults are just that: they're petty, they won't have any effect on him unless he starts taking them to heart. Being in a similar situation, I understand what a jerk your dad is and the immense resent you feel, and the fact that he hid his true self doesn't make it any better.

    But just be a backbone for your brother. If it turns out he is gay, there's nothing wrong with that. If he's not, then no big deal either, he's just himself and he always will be in spite of his quirks, or whatever your father tries to convince him he is.

    And please keep us updated! (*hug*)
     
    #6 shadowraptor, May 18, 2014
  7. resu

    resu
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    I think your dad should see a therapist for his anger.

    I agree that you still can be supportive of your brother even if there isn't much of an emotional attachment. You may need to take an active role.
     
    #7 resu, May 18, 2014
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