Hey all, bit of advice needed if you're willing to read this essay My bf moved abroad almost a year ago due to his graduate job, and we've stayed together despite it (and seen each other in person twice since then, which have been amazing times spent together). Because of the long distance thing, there is always the concern of "what if he meets someone else?" and so on. When I was over at his house I was trying to open a movie we downloaded and stumbled across his downloads folder which started with a picture of a random guy. We talked it through and he explained that since he met me he hasn't been with anyone else, but he does keep porn on his laptop (which I'm fine with). I left it there. I've also noticed recently that on facebook I can't see his friends, photos (profile/cover included), about info or anything. All I can see is a few posts from 2011 and some groups he's joined. He sends me links that he's seen on facebook quite frequently so I know that he has people added but I just can't see them. The last point I wanted to make was that there's a new girl (Thai like him) who's just started and who he texts quite a bit (he uses WhatsApp for her as well and he sometimes pops online without messaging me so I guess he's speaking to other people). The bedrock of this post is mainly that I'm worried about whether or not he could be seeing someone else while I'm all these miles away. We've spoken about it before and he seemed truly honest that he wasn't seeing anyone, and almost all of me believes him. But there is this small part of me that is questioning "what if he is?". He keeps a lot of secrets (I asked if I could have a look at his laptop but he (quite rightly) said it would be an invasion of privacy). I personally think I'm being over the top, untrusting and generally stupid, but it would be good to get a second opinion on it... So thanks for sticking with this Any thoughts/opinions are appreciated
I don't want to scare you or worry you, but, it sounds like something in his life is going on that he doesn't want you to know about, or there is something that he is hiding from you.
The facebook stuff is worrying because he shouldn't have any reason to block you from seeing things like photos or friends. But, first just calmly ask him why this happened, especially if you knew you previously could see these things. It could be a mistake that he just changed settings for a lot of people and didn't realize that also meant you. I don't think you have to worry about the Thai girl. Ultimately, where do you think this relationship is heading? How long have you been boyfriends? I don't think you'll ever feel comfortable until you two are living together again, but that would mean a big gamble if you moved, also.
Are you out as a couple? Is he out? It's a bit worrying that he is so secretive about stuff...but try and do trust him. If he indeed is hiding something, it will show up eventually. Bst of wishes and good luck
I would take some precautions and nicely ask him what is going on. When your in relationship and it doesn't matter if he is openly gay or not honestly and trust is always a must in a relationship. It does sound very suspicious that he hides all of that from you but don't jump to conclusions just yet.
I spoke to him this morning about it and it seems ok. He cleared most of his FB when he started his job (due to privacy) and put most of his privacy settings to max (which is why I can't see his friends etc). There doesn't appear to be a way to make one person allowed to see stuff but it's no biggie. I should add that I don't make a habit of delving into my friends FB pages too much - tend to just scroll through the news feeds and use private messaging more to keep in touch, which is mainly why I didn't realise I couldn't see his friends until now. I did say that it bothered me that he was so secretive but it's just the way he is generally. I won't get far if I poke and prod repeatedly so I guess it's better just to leave it and see how it goes. Fingers crossed he'll be able to come back to the UK and join me again, but who knows -.-
It sounds like he knows you aren't going to ask to invade his privacy, and he's exploiting that fact. If he's your boyfriend, I can't think of any reason why he'd block you from seeing most of his Facebook profile unless it was because he doesn't want you seeing his pictures, friends, and current activity. And that is definitely a cause for concern, in my opinion. My boyfriend and I know each others FB passwords; not because we go through each others stuff and "check up" on each other, but to prove that neither of us have anything to hide. And we decided that if there ever came a point where either of us started getting paranoid--either for a reason or for no real reason--then we would be able to put that paranoia to rest without having to confront the other and possibly cause an argument. Not saying all couples should have access to each others social media accounts, but it works for us. Gives us peace of mind. Anyway, like I said, the fact that he's blocked you from Facebook means he's hiding something. You say when you've talked to him before he seemed sincere that nothing is going on with anyone else, but you've got to remember that people who deceive others are usually quite good at deception. Oftentimes they have lots of practice at being able to hide what they want to hide from others without being discovered. Blocking you from Facebook is kind of a red flag, but like I mentioned above, he probably knows you won't ask to invade his privacy or question the fact that he's making his profile private. He's probably thinking you'll assume he's making his info private from everyone. Honesty is crucial in a relationship, or at least any relationship with long-term prospects. And especially while he's thousands of miles away, you need to be able to trust each other. Based on what you've shared here, if I were in your shoes I'd say you have more than enough reason to start getting suspicious. I think you definitely need to talk to him. Bring to his attention everything you've just told us and tell him that, taking it all into consideration, it doesn't look right and it's worrying you. If he's really not doing anything wrong and you tell him you're worried, he's going to want to do whatever he can to put you at ease and give you peace of mind, and considering the situation (long-distance relationship), you're going to need as much peace of mind as you can get. Trust is so important; but once it's broken, it's almost impossible to get it back. And I don't think it would be possible to repair broken trust from thousands of miles away. I hope this helps. Good luck!
Yeah, I don't really buy his privacy argument, and there are definitely more tailored privacy settings than a complete block (i.e. "close friends"). Does his job really require that much privacy?
I think you're right. Just relax, take a breath. It's easy to become a bit paranoid during a long distance relationship but reacting to the fears and questioning him all the time will only push him away and piss him off. If he is cheating on you, he's not about to tell you when you're all wound up. Hope that doesn't come off as too harsh. Peace!
