Input from the Outside Required

Dear emptyclosets community,

Today it's my turn to ask for assistance.
It is not a dire matter, not specific to LGBT, but I need to find a proper answer to it.
I don't what will happen once I post this, but I figured it can't hurt getting some input from out of the box.

So, I've been in this relationship with my lady for almost 4 years now.
Had it's up and downs, like any (or most) relationships, but I still lover her, and she loves me.

A bit of information beforehand:

Me:

I am of the open-minded, optimistic, self-confident type, and a bit of a dreamer with empathy.
I am open about almost anything and to most things, and I don't judge or condemn easily.
I am also a kind person who likes to give and make people happy, and WAS the opposite of bitter. I also hate how society tries to force a certain path on us, and refuse to submit to the work-eat-sleep routine. Freedom is very important to me, and I am a very patient person.

Am a bit on the lazy and careless side though, and I like Chaos to the extent where I don't need everything in the house to be tidy and sorted every time someone visits (I don't like -dirty- though, but who does?). I have a regular job and work 5 days a week, so I don't feel like spending all my free time tidying up the house.

Her:

She is of the insecure, very emotional, cuddle-heavy and delicate type who absolutely hates admitting being so vulnerable and prone to insecurity, and is often a bit of a barnacle.

She is a bit bourgeois and sometimes narrow minded, caught up in old-fashioned beliefs on how things must work and be done, and is uppity towards things she doesn't know or are done differently than she was taught.

She is a very loving person who can give an incredible amount of love, but can turn into a raging, poison-spitting snake when she ends up in a situation she isn't prepared for - two extremes, so to speak.

To her, having a job and a steady income are among the most important things in life.
She HATES showing anyone anything but a perfectly clean and tidy house, even though everyone knows we both work all week. She can't live with things being anything but tidy and sorted, yet, she often leaves things lying around herself.

She is the opposite of lazy, and hates lazy people who just sit around doing nothing.


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So now you have something to work with, and I'm aware that my summary might give away lot already.

On to the problem at hand... it all started when we moved in together.

The moment we started living in our new apartment, our sex life turned into something very sleepy. Yes, we do shag occasionally, and it's still lovely, but most of the time, we just don't. I believe it's because she is too scared of our neighbours hearing us, as she's always afraid of what people might think of her / us.

That's one thing that has bothered me for the last 2 1/2 years.
Less sex, and by now, I think it's more than the neighbours, maybe her sex drive has really dropped quite a bit.

I could make due with that, but even though I told her I'll masturbate no matter what, since it doesn't have anything to do with our relationship, she keeps trying to stop me from it, even offering sex when she is obviously in a state of anti-arousal, and I can't do that. Seems like she can't truly accept it no matter what.

I also can't do ANYTHING in the house that is somewhat loud.
Whenever I listen to music, whenever we watch a film, she tells me to turn the volume down. Most likely afraid of the neighbours (even though we had a sit in with them and it was quite nice). I don't believe her when she says it's too loud for her. I believe it all comes down to her insecurity issues and fear of "neighbours". But I feel restricted. Yet, I do so much for her, massage her any way she likes, all the time, almost every single day, yet I rarely get the same treatment.

That's one thing. It's nasty, but on it's own, it would be manageable.

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We had a huge crisis when I told her I was bi quite late in our relationship. I wasn't doing anything with anyone other than her, didn't flirt, nothing. I was loyal. I figured she deserves to know a year in (The thought of even mentioning it just didn't occure to me before, for no particular reason), and I've been trying to throw obvious hints at her for a full year, but she didn't see any of them, even though it's not a secret to anyone. So I just told her one day.

She didn't take it very well. I was trying to be very diplomatic and kept assuring her that it does not have ANY impact on our relationship, but that didn't help. Out of desperation, fear of loss and denial, she said some very, very nasty things to me. Yes, we worked it out, and by now, we can check out lads together. But it left a bit of a stain in my heart. I didn't do anything wrong (Like so many here), and didn't deserve that tantrum of hers.

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There is more.
The last two years, I have started to feel drained, and bitter. She kept rambling about work every single evening, she kept repeating her questions over and over again, she kept not trusting me to get things done, even though I did, and kept assuring I would really do it, kept reminding me, kept BUGGING ME about every little thing.

She worried about every little thing at work as well, asked me about if she did the right thing and if everything will be fine, if it will have consequences almost EVERY evening, and I kept reassuring her and giving her confidence for years.

And oh dear, did she acted very unjust and even denied reality when she was pissed about something (Mostly her own failure). One day, we had to get some heavy things up to the second floor, and I did ALL the heavy lifting. When I finished the last batch, she complained how nobobdy helps her, and how she did ALL the lifting and carrying on her own, and spit alot of poison. She was just frustrated by how help- and useless she is when it comes to heavy lifting, and let it all out on me.

I felt so burned out. Burned out, and I felt how I slowly turned from being happy and optimistic to bitter and abrasive. I couldn't have that. She was wearing me out, hard.

So I told her that she really, really needs to change these things, or I would have to leave her, as I couldn't bear it anymore. Even suggested she should go see a professional about all her issues.

Well, she was in tears obviously, I myself just didn't have any tears left. I was left feeling empty, with a bit of love buried in the rubble. But she promised to change, even though she didn't go see someone about her issues.

(Just on a sidenote, she never really had any issue with any of my traits or behaviour except that I didn't do enough in the house, and I bettered myself and do enough to satisfy her (most of the time) now.)

It got better. A bit. Slowly. Not sure if it's getting better now. Feels like she's stuck.
It's much more bearable than before, but I'm not sure if it's enough for me to keep me going, especially when she keeps talking about marriage (While I'm still trying to figure out if I can really live with her to the bitter end), probably to make sure I stay with her, as she's prone to fear of loss.

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You see, she is always so negative and insecure.
She is not HAPPY. Not happy with herself to begin with.

I amm confident, happy with myself and my way of life, and as cocky as that may sound, I love myself.

She on the other hand does not lover herself, seems to expect ME to make her happy. Give her happiness she doesn't have inside herself.

But... I don't feel like that is how it should work.
I want someone else who is just as content and happy with her/himself to be happy TOGETHER with, and share all that joy. Not be someone who "has to" make someone else happy.

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This is the last part. She knows I'm bi. She also somewhat-knows that I'm poly in a way.
I told her I wouldn't mind or judge if she started fancying someone else. I wouldn't get jealous, and would probably end up being close to a few more people if I were allowed to. But she doesn't want any of that. Okay, I can and have to accept that if I want to live with her.

Back when I was a teen, my father told me that you can love more than one person. I didn't believe him back then, but I know it's true at least for me by now.
This is -not- about sex with multiple people. No, I wouldn't mind it.

But first and foremost, it's that I like to do nice things to people I like. I like to cuddle, pet (The non-sexualy way to pet) and generally being close to people I like. They like it, I like it. Cuddling just feels good. Perfect.
I feel that I have so much love to give that I can't just restrict it to one person.
I did not find someone else I would like a relationship as close and intimate as with my lady yet, but there are some close friends I'd just -love- to cuddle with.

But... I know that's not acceptable to her. She'd be jealous, she'd be mad.
Even if it's just softly scratching anothers head, which she loves herself (and rarely does to me, even though I love it myself!).

So I feel restricted. I -do- love her, wanting to cuddle and pet with close friends (and I'll admit, I wouldn't mind sex either, but I don't -need- it, it would be something nice to do with people I like and feel comfortable with) does not change ANYTHING about my feelings for her. What changes things about our relationship is how I restricted I feel, in so many ways.

Last weekend, I was over at close friends for a birthday, and she couldn't come.
I ended up doing all these nice, harmless things with my closest friends. We cuddled (a bit), softly scratched each others head, and did a bit of a (clothed!) massage. About 4 of us. It was so nice. I was happy. And I enjoyed getting some of that treatment myself.

None of that would have been possibly if she would have been with me at the time.
But it all came to me/us naturally. It felt right, and it was nice and enjoyable. Nobody hit on anyone, we just enjoyed each others company. I felt so very relaxed.

But I hate secrecy. I am a very bold and honest person.
So I can't possibly do it again "in secret" without her knowing.

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Many close friends and even family suggested that I'm too patient, that it'll never work out, and that I should leave her / have left her a long time ago. But I still love her. Yes, maybe my love is hurting, but I have it, and she loves me, I know that much. Alas...

What's your take on all this...


Do I give too much, don't receive enough?
Is it just a matter of time till my love for her dies?
Am I just being selfish?
Should I just get on with my life and leave her?
Are we just not compatible at all?
Could I do something to make it -really- work?

I can't find a proper answer.
But I need to figure this one out.
Maybe you can help.

Cheers,
Raven

 

Thank you for your sympathy.

It helps lift my spirit. I'm not very moody in general, but that weekend with my close friends got me thinking again.

I don't think my case is quite as bad as yours, although they -are- similar.
I did / do get sex, even if it's only rare, I never felt unloved, but I feel so drained, and there are so many things bothering me.

I talked to her about all what bothers me so many times, and when I was about to break up with her, she finally actually changed for the better, if only a little. It would have been unfair to leave her then. But it's just not enough.

This is so very true. Nothing to add, really.
It's one of the major issues.

Right now, I'm conflicted because I can't do so many things I would like to, because the feeling that there is something more out there for me gets stronger and stronger. I know that I still love her, but I'm afraid it's starting to dissipate.

She's important to me, but I don't even feel like I'd be heartbroken if I left her.
Maybe even relieved. Sadly, it's all not that easy.

I tend to cling on for too long (Spent 700€ on a trip to Denmark with my ex, when the relationship was already quite dead, in hopes of reigniting the fire, what a waste...), I know it would hurt her very much if I left her, we're living in the same flat and I'm sure she couldn't bear living together in a flat when we're seperated, so I'd have to find a new flat of my own...

And then there are the happy moments. The sex is great when we do have it, cuddling is nice, watching films is nice (until she tells me to turn down the volume again), and we share a big hobby. I suppose that's normal, since we would never have had a relationship if we didn't like each other.

It's so very easy to forget just how burned out and annoyed I am by so many issues whenever we're not having those issues. The times in between are fun and enjoyable. And then the warhammer comes crashing down again.

All this makes it so hard to make a final decision.
My mind told me to leave her years ago, but my heart doesn't want to hurt her and still hopes that somehow, with enough patience, we can make it right.

Arrrrrssseeeeeee.

 

Thank you, again.
It's likely that I'll send you a message sometime soon...

It's getting worse by the day. This might turn into a bit of a rant, just so you know.
Talked to her yesterday, told her that I'm not happy, and that I feel like I'm always the one giving, that I want some of that treatment myself.
So much I would like to do but can't as well.

She panicked "Please don't leave me" and threw herself at me, instantly offered sex ( Was more like overwhelming me than offering, seemed like she DID enjoy it though, so not completely forced), then she proceeded to pet and massage me afterwards "See, there is no need to leave me!", telling me how she'll always do that from now on.

I reminded her how many times she claimed that she'd always do something "from now on" already, and how it didn't work out in the long run even a single time. She simply kept promising "But this time!".

She suddenly seemed intersted in my videogames, didn't want me to turn down the volume of anything etc., all very suspicious and likely born out of fear of losing me.

It was an alright evening, and when we went to bed, things starting getting worse already.
She DID proceed to carass and pet me when we switched the lights out like I did her all these years.
Then I rolled around to a sideways position, back to her. It was just more comfortable at the time.
She started complaining how she couldn't cuddle up properly when I wasn't on my back, how it was uncomfortable.

Excuse me? All these years, she switched to a sideways position, and I had to cuddle up in that position as well if I wanted to be close.
Rarely did she sleep on my chest ALL night. So I told her that she now knows just how I feel when she does it. And has been doing it for years.
It takes a while to get used to, but then it can be comfortable.

She complained about why I would need to tell her that, and that I obviously just rolled to the side because I don't want to be close to her, or because I'm annoyed. Kept telling her it's really just more comfortable at the moment.

Well, we said goodnight and I tried to sleep. She kept bothering me with questions, yet I only wanted to sleep.
Then she started repeating "I love you" several times. I answered with a positive chunter, she kept bugging me until I told her that I don't feel like saying it ALL the time (She says it so many times a day, it starts to lose it's meaning...).

Now I'm at work, and I can't stop thinking about the matter, eyes watering.
Will she always be as forthcoming as she was today (until we went to bed), will she able to keep it up?
I don't think so, to be honest. I think her improved behaviour will fade over time just like all the times before.
But it makes it so very hard to make a final decision. I feel restricted, unhappy, even though I care about her. Trapped, even.

I realise this is not a problem as dramatic and dire as most posted here, but it is MY problem, and I'm suffering.

 

I don't think she is any of that on purpose.
Maybe she is toxic. After all, she managed turn me into a sometimes bitter person.
Maybe she is manipulative, jumping at situations and trying to do anything to make me stay.

But she isn't any of that out of malicious intent. That much I know.
I think it is because she is afraid, and scared. Of losing me, of being alone, of insects, of a thunderstorm... She scares so easily, is afraid of so many things. She is and incredibly "afraid" person.

I'm the polar opposite, I'm not afraid of much at all, and if I am, I just overcome my fears.
But I can't make her brave, nor can I negate her fears by being brave.

Just... to let you know of that part of our relationship.

I can't even deny your statements.
I just don't think she does it out of malicious intent.
That it's not intentional doesn't help me, though.

 

I've ended it.
A couple of days ago.

I feel like shite, yet strangely relieved.
It was the right decision, but I can't enjoy it yet.

I'm trying to find a new flat and move out as soon as possible, but till then, every day with her in our flat is a challenge. She's changing her behaviour every day... yesterday she was heartbroken and I gave her some affection (I still care about her, "just" don't lover her anymore), today she was extremely hostile and raspy.

I need to get the fuck out of here, as fast as I can.
I'd like us to remain friends, but if I stay here much, that is -not- going to happen.

Ah well.
Some appointments to check out potential flats have been made.
Once I've processed all this, I can enjoy finally being able to breathe again.

 

Thank you for your sympathy.

Yeah, I'm absolutely certain I made the right call.

As things are, this relationship couldn't have ever worked.
I wish her that she grows from the experience she is going to face now - living life entirely on her own.

But all I can and will do now is take care of myself and tend to my wounds.
I'm sure that I would have come to this conclusion eventually, but all the feedback on here and in my social circle has encouraged me to step up and end it, sooner rather than later, better and more fair for everyone involved. I thank you for that.

I already feel a little better each day, and sometimes, I get a small glimpse of joy, making me look forward to the point when I get my own flat and be on my own again, free to enjoy life for all it has to offer.

That helps me endure the current situation.
But I'm checking out an alright apartment tomorrow, it might just fit me.

 

And I finished moving two days ago.
Only have internet at the office for now, but phone and net will get set up in my new home eventually.

It's a small flat, but it's my flat.
And I really like how it ended up looking when I was done decorating and moving things around.

I feel better everyday.
And had a nice evening with that nice neighbour one floor below me.