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Boyfriend dumped me for somoene else and got engaged after just 1 week need advice

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by johnnyr860, May 24, 2014.

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  1. johnnyr860

    johnnyr860
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    I am an emotional wreck at this point but trying to compose myself and keep it all together. We are both gay guys. We both happen to be virgins who were planning on losing our virginity to each other but however the situation changes here. He was not ready for sex so I completely respected that and said I don't want you to feel pressure when your ready we can talk about that and go from there.

    Well believe it or not he got really turned on. It started with his mom and her silly house rules he couldn't take it anymore. To this let's add the fact that his dad is a homophobic jerk who if he found out his son is gay would probably go to any extreme to make him straight. Basically he couldn't take his parents any longer so he ran away from home. Instead of coming to me for help he ran to some motel met a complete stranger who he does not know they end up having sex together (so he is no longer a virgin so much for what I said about us earlier) and he does all this behind my back.

    The two of them were together for the past month. I don't get so much as a phone call or text to say goodbye. When I finally man up and confront him on why he has been ignoring me so long his response to me was "oh I thought we broke up?" I said wait when did this happen you never broke up with me and the relationship was just fine.

    Basically to cut a really long story short we have been fighting and arguing for the past two days and last night he admitted to me that he has been engaged to this man (a complete stranger he met a month ago) for about a week now. Sounds like something you only hear about in Las Vegas happening. Great so he lied about the ring and said it was a ring he bought for me to propose to me which was a lie once he came out and confessed to being engaged yesterday.

    To cut a really long story short- I'm a wreck. I hate it. He was the love of my life and certainly not the first guy to cheat on me he is the 3rd person in a row to do this to me. Help a gay brother out here. How does one move on from this sort of thing? I mean what's next? Part of me still wishes he would realize how stupid his mistakes are in what he is doing and that he can return back to me and we can resume the relationship were it left off but I know that is not going to happen. :help:
     
    #1 johnnyr860, May 24, 2014
  2. Wuggums47

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    Re: Boyfriend dumped me for somoene else and got engaged after just 1 week need advic

    I know it's hard to view it this way, but I think you've dodged a bullet. I'm not sure if you ever want to get married to someone, not everyone does, but if you do, then what if he just left all of a sudden after years of marriage? It would hurt so much more then. Anyone who would marry someone they barely know is probably unstable though.
     
    #2 Wuggums47, May 24, 2014
  3. Calix

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    Re: Boyfriend dumped me for somoene else and got engaged after just 1 week need advic

    In my opinion, you're better off without him. Nobody deserved someone who would cheat on them.
     
    #3 Calix, May 24, 2014
  4. Raikamaru

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    Re: Boyfriend dumped me for somoene else and got engaged after just 1 week need advic

    Forget about him and find someone else.
     
    #4 Raikamaru, May 24, 2014
  5. Chip

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    Re: Boyfriend dumped me for somoene else and got engaged after just 1 week need advic

    First, I've never been in your particular situation but I can imagine how devastating it must be to love someone with all your heart, feel like you have a deep, connected relationship, and then be both abandoned and betrayed at the same time. I don't think there are words adequate to convey what you must be experiencing.

    As much as it may be hard to hear, I'm inclined to agree with the others; someone who would just drop out of site, ignore you, meet with a random person, and become engaged to them after less than a month... is not a stable and reliable person and not someone you'd want in your life.

    Which brings me to this:

    The above statement speaks volumes. If you've had 3 people in a row cheat on you, then somehow, you're putting out energy that's attracting unreliable and untrustworthy people. Usually this is because, at a deep, unconscious level, you don't believe you are worthy of healthy, trustworthy people and so you're either not feeling attraction to healthy people, or are attracting the unhealthy ones.

    So the first advice I'd offer is to look at yourself. The very fact that you're even considering taking this guy back after the lies, betrayal, and cheating says to me that you don't have much respect and belief in yourself. You deserve better. And the first step is realizing that and looking at yourself and why you can't immediately believe it. (If you did, the idea of wanting him back would never enter your mind.)

    The next step is to start working on the issues (usually a combination of shame and low self esteem) that are contributing to the behaviors and start working on them. If you're a reader, I'd suggest Brené Brown's "The Gifts of Imperfection." If not, you could start with her three TED talks, available on Youtube.

    And you may want to consider therapy. Working through your own issues will make an enormous difference in how you perceive yourself, and whom you attract.
     
    #5 Chip, May 24, 2014
  6. DangerAlex

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    Re: Boyfriend dumped me for somoene else and got engaged after just 1 week need advic

    Wow. The second I read about what happened to you, I had this long, in-depth response formed in my head, but then I read what Chip had to say and he's taken the words right out of my mouth. I don't have a whole lot to add that hasn't already been said, but...

    Keep in mind that if he can abandon your celibate-and-waiting-for-marriage relationship in an instant so that he can run off and lose his virginity to a stranger, this is definitely not someone you should want to reconcile with. The fact that he then becomes engaged to this person after knowing him for only a month should serve to put you off the idea of a continued relationship even more. It's clear to me that your ex-fiance is not someone who thinks rationally, or even thinks much at all considering what you've told us. What he has done is not normal[/i], and "normal" is a pretty broad, blanket term that applies to countless different lifestyles and covers a whole spectrum of variability. It's not healthy (for anyone involved), or smart, or appealing. The more I think about it, the more I feel like he's done you a momentous favor; as someone else mentioned, he does not sound like someone you should be marrying.

    And as Chip mentioned, you should reflect on why/how it is you're repeatedly falling for guys who end up cheating on you and/or leaving you. This is a pattern you want to break as soon as possible. I agree that it's probably related to a negative self-image, such a feelings of shame, low self-esteem, low self-worth, feeling like you're expendable or unimportant. Do you have abandonment issues? Another possibility is that you are quick to "settle" for guys who are unworthy of your affections because of a specific type of loneliness that people with abandonment feel persistent; it's a feeling that leads to them clinging to anyone who shows them the slightest bit of attention or love as a way to fill that void. Whatever you reason for picking one Mr. Wrong after another, I agree that you should strongly consider seeing a counselor on this matter. I'm not saying, "Dude, there's something wrong with you. You're fucked up, so go get help." What I mean is that there is something in the way you perceive yourself and/or your interpersonal skills that is causing you to pick guys that cheat on you and leave you; the only way you're going to break that pattern--unless you'd luck into finding a decent guy, but you don't want to just throw a dart blindly and cross your fingers it hits the mark--is by getting professional help from someone who can guide you toward a better, more accurate self-image and self-concept.

    I'm incredibly sorry to hear about what you've been through. I really hope we've helped you in some way, and I wish you every happiness. Good luck.
     
    #6 DangerAlex, May 24, 2014
  7. johnnyr860

    johnnyr860
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    Re: Boyfriend dumped me for somoene else and got engaged after just 1 week need advic

    I would like to take this time to thank everyone for the kind and thought out responses. I should probably state what he told me recently. We use Kik messenger a lot. Anyone with a smartphone or tablet knows that apps sometimes tend to get glitchy and need to be updated or else they don't work properly. He claims he tried messaging me before running away and he even tried calling but I never answered my phone or messages when it turns out kik has been acting up and messages are not going through for people as they should be so I never got any of his messages that he had been sending me for weeks and not to mention I live in an area with poor reception so you'll be lucky if you even get through to me. Either way buggy app or not I cannot find his excuse acceptable to me.

    As for people who say that why do I date guys who are cheaters or bad boys I am not sure I understand? I mean I didn't know these people were bad boys or cheaters. The people I have dated have all been very nice to me and very caring and showed me love and compassion and if they turned out to be cheaters or bad boys I would find this out after we were together.

    It's not like I am purposely dating cheaters when I had no clue the person I was with would cheat on me in the first place. I already see a therapist but well last week she was out sick so she canceled on me and this week a close family member died so she had to leave the country to go back to her home country of Germany for the family members funeral. But I see her again next week.

    Whenever I get out of relationships I usually take my time I never rush to the next available guy there is. I often time take a few months of just focusing on doing me and hanging with friends and trying to clear my mind before I even consider getting back into a relationship again let alone dating anyone.
     
    #7 johnnyr860, May 24, 2014
  8. Chip

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    Re: Boyfriend dumped me for somoene else and got engaged after just 1 week need advic

    I think you're missing the point that I and others are making: No one consciously chooses people that are shitty, cheaters, inauthentic, abusive, or otherwise unhealthy. But when you look at, for example, the women that go out with wife-beaters, almost without exception, you find a pattern: They've gone out with multiple people, all of whom beat them or otherwise disrespect them. Ditto people who date cheaters: more often than not, it's a repeating pattern.

    As for his excuse... bullshit. If you've been talking to each other and he's supposedly sending you dozens of messages and calling... what do you think the likelihood is that you never got a single one of the messages he sent you by multiple media? Zero. Unless, of course... he didn't send them.

    Even what you've written about this further supports the idea that there's low self esteem here. A person with healthy self esteem would see right through your friend's charade and see it for what it is -- bullshit -- and would be really angry about it. But I don't hear anger in your posts. I hear desperation, fear, loss... but not anger. And anger would be the normal, healthy response of someone with healthy self esteem when something like this happens.

    The point is, what's happening here isn't conscious. If I'm right, it's happening because you don't fundamentally believe in yourself, and at an unconscious level, you don't believe you deserve in having someone loyal, trustworthy, honest, and authentic... so for whatever reason you are either screening out those people because they seem unattainable, or you are actively attracting cheaters because you're putting off a vibe that says "I don't care about myself, so you can take advantage of me." Of course, these guys won't be turds right up front... they, likely, are nice enough guys who have self esteem issues themselves, which is why they cheat. But that's who you're attracting.

    That's tough to hear, and i'm not saying it as a dig or an insult. I'm saying it because likely that's what's going on. Otherwise, the pattern would not be repeating.
     
    #8 Chip, May 24, 2014
  9. Hyaline

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    Re: Boyfriend dumped me for somoene else and got engaged after just 1 week need advic

    I've had similar issues during a breakup where technology got in the way. He might be telling the truth, but a good person would notice that you didn't answer and contact you any of a few other ways. Or simply show up at your doorstep asking why you haven't answered. It took me years to learn that real "men" don't do this type of stuff. I hate to use the term "real man" here, but I am using it in the context that the person is grown up and acts like a rational adult.

    There are likely red flags that you missed. Asking about previous relationships can usually give you an indication of what is going on. Paying attention to what happened at the end is a good indication of how they handle things in their real lives.

    One lesson that I learned from a mentor when "interviewing" someone is to take them to lunch or dinner. Someplace casual. Pay close attention to how they treat the waiter or waitress and strangers in general. If they are nice to you, but rude or inattentive to strangers, odds are they are putting on a face for you. I've used this a few times over the years when meeting guys and even when interviewing employees and it honestly has helped me to dodge a bullet. Oddly enough, looking back before I started to do this, the relationships that ended poorly because the other person was an awful person, the telltale signs were there....

    Hang in there... talk to your therapist.. and I think you taking time is an excellent way to get over the situation and reset back to being ready to invite someone back in your life..
     
    #9 Hyaline, May 24, 2014
  10. johnnyr860

    johnnyr860
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    Re: Boyfriend dumped me for somoene else and got engaged after just 1 week need advic

    As for the wife beater and cheater reference that you made I completely agree. I have low self esteem issues and need to believe in myself more. Every time something bad happens in my life no matter what it is I feel as if my life is just getting worse and worse each time. I have to work on bettering how I view myself as a person and I am hoping that somehow that will help me find someone better who this time wont turn out to be a cheater.

    Couple of things I need to clarify. Anger issues. You mention anger. Yes why am I not angry? Because I have anger management issues and my therapist is trying to keep me from getting into trouble again. Maybe deep down inside I do have anger however I am just not displaying it or showcasing it. I made a mistake and now I have to pay for my own mistake and I am owning up to this... The guy was at the park and started saying homophobic anti gay things to me and my boyfriend because we were holding hands while walking trough the park. This happened about a month ago and well me and anger don't get along. I got mad and knocked him onto the floor him with a bruise on his eye, He pressed charges of course.

    I know two wrongs don't make a right but I just lost it then and there. My point being I have no one to blame but myself for this. As such I am trying to deal with the breakup without resulting in being so angry this way I don't have another episode like I did at the park a month ago. The last thing I need is more trouble and allowing myself to get angry brings forth trouble to me.

    You mention the words desperation, fear, and loss towards the end of your post and I completely 100% admit to this. Desperation from the fact that he left me out of the blue like this. Loss because well I lost the one guy that meant so much to me. Fear of not being able to find that better someone or worse that I find someone and they end up dumping me too. Also to add sadness to the list mostly because lots of people might feel sad right after a breakup and well I was sad.

    Oh and as for that thing someone mentioned where he could have shown up to my door instead of saying that his messages never went through I completely agree I was just about to mention this but you beat me to it. There is no excuse for what has been done here and he knows this. The fact of the matter is his story kept changing every 5 minutes to something different which caused us to argue even more while as my story did not change one bit since we started our conversation last night.
     
    #10 johnnyr860, May 24, 2014
  11. Gregarity

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    Re: Boyfriend dumped me for somoene else and got engaged after just 1 week need advic

    Sorry to abuse the collective deceased equine but you really do deserve better than a douchestick like that. He isn't worth your concern.
     
    #11 Gregarity, May 24, 2014
  12. Hyaline

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    Re: Boyfriend dumped me for somoene else and got engaged after just 1 week need advic

    Kudos to you for keeping your emotions in check. I am sure it was difficult for you to do. Sounds to me like you are working through it very well.

    Like others have said, working through making sure you don't repeat the same mistakes is the important lessons you want to take from this and in truth, from any and all relationships...
     
    #12 Hyaline, May 24, 2014
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