Confused

Hi,

I don't know if this would message would reach you, but I still want to try. This is my first time to contact someone in a forum site.

I recently made a mistake and hurt someone special to me. I am a closeted gay, and this guy I like, is closeted as well. We haven't met in person yet because he always tells me he's not ready yet, but its been almost a year already, and we only communicate through chat. Even though we live in a same town.

It's a complicated relationship that we have, we are not friends in Facebook, Twitter or Instagram because there's still a boundary that has to be respected. And I understand that. I've been open to him ever since, that I like him. There are times that he says he's interested to me too.

Recently, I was checking my Instagram feed, and noticed that a friend of mine posted a pic with the cousin of the guy I like. I know that its his cousin because we exchange pics from time to time. So my initial reaction was to contact my friend and ask him if he's a relative of the guy I like. He confirmed it. After a day, the guy and I had a funny and cute chat then I started to mention to him about my chat with my friend. He suddenly got worried and told me that he's avoiding that kind of event, his relatives or parents knowing what he is. He told me that his parents know all of his friends. And he only has a few and were able to visit their house already. I understand his side. I apologized to him for several days, he didn't talk to me for many days. I used several ways to say sorry. I drew a rose, made a letter, made a poem, I've drawn a guy giving flowers, sent him pics of roses. But he wouldn't talk to me, it only shows "seen" in the messenger (Viber). Then one day, he said that "One sorry is enough". I asked him if I could redeem myself, he said I could but not now. I continued to to apologize for the next days and eventually he replied "Apology accepted" and we got to discuss for a bit what's going to happen. He told me he's not sure if he made the right decision in saying his real name to me, he told me that its not easy for him to trust me again, that I ruined his trust. But confirmed that we can remain friends.

Michael, even though we discussed it already and he already told me that we won't be okay if I won't relax (because there are times that I still send him long letters saying how sorry I am). I assume that we are starting over again. Its just that its hard for me all the time to not think of what happened. I feel so terrible and bad always because I'm not sure if our cute, funny, naughty, and witty conversations would be back. He said that I ruined his trust and it haunts me all the time. I told him that I'll do my best to make amends and he replies all the time that I should chill and relax. He even told me one time "less talk, less mistakes" and the way I understood it is that we should no longer chat that much. I told him how i understood it and he said that I am over reacting and just making things complicated. He said again that I should chill.

I don't know what to do now. I am so depressed that with that honest mistake I made, our relationship would just vanish. We have/ had a very good connection. Understanding each other's activities and all. But now that I made my mistake, I just couldn't forgive myself that I'm the one who messed up. I want us to be back to normal, but I always remember the mistake I did, and I'm not sure how I can live with it. I'm doing my best to reach out to him, trying to get back to our usual chat but there's always something in my head which says that he might still be mad at me or he will never be the same to you again....and that haunts me. I miss everything that we have/had.

I hope you could understand my situation. Looking forward to a great advice from you.

Thank you.

 

Yep, I think I overreacted.

That's what I have been asking him for 10months already, why he won't meet me. He just says he's weak coz he hasn't moved on uet and that he's not yet ready.