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Forgiving a friend who bailed on you when you needed them most

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by rkleb, May 28, 2014.

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  1. rkleb

    rkleb
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    I came out to my best friend last summer, he told me he's totally okay with it and everything and that it wouldn't change anything. After a month I started noticing that he's distancing himself and everything. I didn't know why it was happening, he kept me wondering for 4 months. We were no longer close at all, I decided to confront him about it when I had the chance, he ended up telling me that it's because i'm gay and he couldn't handle it, but I could always talk to him even if it bothers him if I ever needed anything, I was like whatever and I went through a small depression about it, because i thought he was okay with it but he's not . 10 month after I came out we're acquaintances, I didn't go to his surprise birthday party to prove a point that I don't need him, sometimes I feel like He's trying to be friends again, but i'm rejecting him. and when we talk from time to time I remember how close we were, and now like I barely even know him anymore.
    I'm trying to let go of what he did, to forgive him for what he did. But would it be stupid if I tried to rebuild this friendship ?
    If I notice that he's not interested, i'll let go of him for good, I won't have this feeling that tells me you could've tried.
    please give me your opinion on this. :eusa_doh:
     
    #1 rkleb, May 28, 2014
  2. BookDragon

    BookDragon
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    I fail to see how rekindling the friendship is solely YOUR responsibility.

    After all, you didn't do anything wrong and you weren't the one who put the wedge between you in the first place.

    Keep in mind, that some people might argue that you caused all this because you told him you are gay. But I want to remind you now, that being yourself and being open about it, is not something you should have to worry about. If he's got some homophobia backed up that is, ultimately, HIS problem. He backed out because of HIS problems, not you.

    If he wants to make the friendship work again, then why not. You were obviously friends for a reason, but HE has to put in effort too, because at this point HE needs to prove that he is worth taking back after ditching you when you needed him, not the other way around.
     
    #2 BookDragon, May 28, 2014
  3. resu

    resu
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    Yes, he's the one who has the real problem. Homophobia is the real lifestyle choice, but it can be unlearned. However, as Ghandiji said, "an eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind." If you think he's trying to be friends again, then take him up on that. Besides, if you were long time friends, he should realize you're still the same person he remembers.

    Try meeting him one-on-one and discussing where his discomfort comes from. It may be his family/friends are even more homophobic, or he could himself be questioning his sexuality.
     
    #3 resu, May 28, 2014
  4. Hyaline

    Hyaline
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    I might be in the minority here, but everyone takes a different amount of time to come to terms with something that you have been dealing with for much longer (I assume).

    While we hope our friends will be really supportive and continue to be our friends, sometimes they can't handle huge life changes. While your coming out really is your thing, it has an impact on the people around you. It seems like his reaction was him trying to be supportive but on further reflection he felt it wasn't something he was comfortable with.

    You likely just need to let sleeping dogs lie and let him go be his own person. Maybe someday he'll walk back into your life and you can return to being friends. But for now it sounds like letting him go is the best course of action. Try to do so with no ill will or spite. You'll find that you'll sleep better that way..
     
    #4 Hyaline, May 28, 2014
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