My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 1 year now. Originally when we first dated neither one of us wanted to bottom. It was a problem, amongst other things (I was also not ready to be committed quite yet). We started dating again this last January, and things have been going extremely well. A couple of weeks ago we even use the L-word. during the second round, he has always been the bottom. And he really likes it too, he can get off just bottoming which I know most guys can't do. Me, feeling somewhat guilty because I know he wants to top me (in his one previous relaionship he was always top), I have spent the last month with plugs, etc trying to enjoy it more to no avail. I can take his dick now (he's 7+ inches and pretty girthy) without having trouble walking the next day, but I honestly just hate it. I get no stimulation out of it... it has nothing to do with being emasculated, etc. When I bottom I can't even get off after he finishes fucking me... I just want to stop having sex altogether. Last night I was finally able to completely take his dick all the way and afterwards I just wanted to go to sleep without even getting off. Is there any hope for me bottoming and enjoying it? I love him and he loves me, I just want to be equals in the relationship. He says it's totally fine for me to always top, but I can tell he misses doing it. I still can give some mean head and he gets off face fucking me pretty easily... but yeah. Advice, please? Thanks in advance.
There's definitely hope. Some people immediately take to bottoming, for others, it's an acquired taste. One of the most common problems is learning to completely relax your sphincters, which takes some practice. It sounds like you've made some good progress with your toys and butt plugs, but what you might want to add into the mix is some conscious relaxation techniques. One approach is, before you start with your butt plug or dildo, to take 3 or 4 minutes and use your breath to focus your mind on relaxing the muscle groups in your body, one at a time. When you get to your hips and pelvis, envision the breath being able to relax and further open up your sphincters, and imagine them completely relaxing, then slowly introduce the toy, all the while constantly using your breath to keep you focused on relaxing your sphincters. Once you practice that a few times, most poeple find that it makes a dramatic difference in helping them become comfortable bottoming. And I think that once you can get the relaxation part down, you'll find that it actually can be really pleasurable and enjoyable.
I guess my follow up question Chip, would be that is it possible that some guys just aren't physically able to enjoy bottoming, assuming it's not psychological? Once my boyfriend finally agreed to try bottoming, he was loving it within a couple of hours... it's been almost a month now for me and I'm starting to feel like this is a futile effort. I'm extremely tight and yeah I have a really hard time relaxing. I can do the toys just fine, but I don't really experience many sensations off of it.
Well, you don't have to bottom, you know? It's pretty cool that you're trying to get used to it/get to enjoy it, I'll give you that. But it isn't a mandatory aspect of gay sex. And if he's fine by just bottoming, even if he misses topping or feels like doing it again sometimes, I think if he loves you it's really not that important to him. That sort of happened to me with my ex. Sex for us started with me as a bottom and a couple of months into our relationship (if I remember correctly), he told me he wanted to try bottoming, because he'd never done it before. I had never topped before, actually, so I was quite up for it. He tried once and he just couldn't take it. But we didn't give up and tried once again, and actually finished the deed. He said it "felt cool" or something and I was like yay. But we went back to me bottoming after that, and even though I still felt like topping him I never really cared too much because I loved him and that's what mattered. So don't worry if you never grow to like it. You're gay, but that doesn't mean you've got to like having a cock, or anything for that matter, up there. You can keep trying, of course, but don't worry if you never get into it .
From what I'm reading this sounds more like a psychological issue. If you're looking to enjoy it, Chip has some good advice. Otherwise, don't feel bad if you can't ever enjoy it. Talk to your boyfriend about not wanting to do it; I'm sure he'll understand. We should never be able to feel like we have to do sexual acts we don't like to please our partners or be "normal".
Well I think I'm wanting to do it for the right reasons right? He's told me numerous times that he is totally fine with just me topping, but I feel like if I never bottom that I am missing out on half of the fun too. plus I want him to have some fun too. I doubt he would break up with me over it, our relationship is pretty strong now.
You're not really missing out on something if that something doesn't appeal to you. You can't force it, man. You should keep trying though, if you think you're not absolutely certain about liking it or not. Have you guys done it the right way though? I mean let there be a lot of foreplay and him turning you on a lot. Maybe that way you'll finally get to enjoy it, huh? Just talk to him about it and let it come naturally, if you do still feel like trying.
I feel like I can make it appealing at least. I don't like it at all right now but I'm keeping up hope... I'm not sure when to throw in the towel, but at least not quite yet.
The psychological piece is primary in all sexual experinces (something a lot of people don't really understand), but in bottoming, I think it's even more crucial. When you're using a toy, you're in control of the toy, so it might make it easier for you to relax. Even if you completely trust your boyfriend, it's possible that unconsciously, it doesn't yet feel safe to have him (or anyone else) penetrating you. If you think about it, bottoming is the most intimate experience someone can have. I'd say lay off of it for a bit, practice the breathing work, try to get to a place where you really, really enjoy it with your toys, and then it will be easier to enjoy with your boyfriend.
Well I thought I might give an update for others out there. I'm bottoming now almost like a pro It took probably 6 weeks worth of practice and dedication but I'm loving it now. I can even stay hard the entire time and get off instantly taking his dick. It's nice now where if one of us isn't feeling it, the other can bottom lol. I still top 80% of the time but I know he loves to do me too sometimes and I can take it now! Moral: you can do (or take) anything with enough dedication
