Hey, so I was considering creating a new thread and re-assembling the message... perhaps making it shorter. Maybe I should just do that now? To put it very briefly: I have developed a crush that I do not want at all. Basically, among other reasons, I do not want to jeopardize any potential for friendship here, because I thoroughly enjoy being around her and could think of nothing I'd like more than to be good friends with this individual. I'm worried that the crush I've developed will be easily spotted, though, or make things different somehow.... Basically, do you think my definitive wish not to have this crush should be enough to make it not be an issue? And even so.. any advice on how to alleviate my anxiety toward it? Anyhow, I figured I'd also post an email I sent to my sister, explaining the situation and asking for advice. I thought I'd post it here (with some personal details changed or removed), in hopes that someone would have some thoughts on it (although I seem to have no luck with this sort of thing). Here it is: -------------------------------------- 1. I have over the past month, much to my annoyance, developed a crush on someone that I absolutely do not want a crush on. That I do not want, for several reasons: she is older than me but more importantly at a different point in life, in truth I barely know her (this happens a lot with me though since I'm so socially isolated; any given friendship is enhanced in importance), frankly I have doubts about attraction to women in general (this goes to the next bullet point though), I am about 90-99% sure the feelings wouldn't be reciprocated even if I wanted them to be, and most importantly - I do not want to lose any potential for friendship here. Basically, this all came up again when she contacted me this morning after I had inquired about her birthday celebrations last week. I was surprised that she did, actually, I was beginning to assume I was either being ignored or she had abandoned the email. Anyhow, while I was happy to note that she's merely postponing any celebration to "some other night" (I guess she means within the next week or so?) since her work got in the way, I was reminded why I was thinking the week before that I might be better off not to be invited. Essentially, I'm very afraid that this emotional attraction I've developed toward her can be easily noticed. And like I said - I don't want it (the attraction) at all, so such projects my intentions incorrectly. She actually noted that another guy from our class actually had a crush on her, when he joined us in drinking (which I did not catch at all), so I'm somewhat worried. I'm also somewhat worried in going to any birthday celebrations because R* is not in town and S* is not 21 (both also friends from that class), and frankly I've found that in social interactions when I only know one other person, surrounded with by his/her friends, I have a hard time getting away from that one person I know, and seem to make the whole thing awkward. Although I think I'm getting better in that regard - before R* joined us at local bar* last time I was able to mingle a little with some of her other friends/acquaintances. And strangely, making a point of having the drinking become an event seemed to help take away from social pressure of it (actually, come to think of it, the alcohol was probably what helped my ability to socialize, lol). 2. Ever since this crush started developing a month or so ago my notion of what constitutes my orientation has been completely out of whack. Moving back and forth, constantly; last week I was amiable to the notion of bisexuality, this week I'm reticent to embrace the label. One week I feel this, one week I feel that, etc. etc. (I guess this marks point #3, though I accidentally went about transitioning between paragraphs in a natural sense). But, whether you can relate to that part or not - it wouldn't be much of an issue if it weren't for this next part. Back in February/March or so, R* caught me exiting a student senate meeting about legislative protection of LGBT people from discrimination. So she asked what I had to say about that, and I alluded to liking men - so, shocked, she flat out asked "Wait, are you gay?" Well, I hate just saying that without qualifying it. Even though I did feel pretty solidly on that side at the time, I feel like there can always be exceptions... but, instead of explaining thoroughly, I just said "Yes" and continued on with the conversation. Fast forward to conversation while drinking, and R* brings this up randomly (to which J* the crush I keep referencing, was actually not shocked at all - a sentiment I greatly appreciate, actually), and again while I had an opportunity to explain further, I basically just failed to correct the assumption and let the conversation keep moving. Although, further along in the conversation, I did explain that there were exceptions and that given the right personality and an asexual component, I would happily be with a woman (which, at the time, I actually did believe - but it still feels like they've assumed I'm further to one side than the other). Then, thanks to this crush, my feelings on the subject have since been all over the map. And it's hard for me to say anything definitively. Basically, without getting further into it (though I can if you'd like), I've come to the current assumption that while I do at times find women physically attractive (though this seems to vary week to week...), the emotional component is 90% of it for me, and so physical attraction becomes relatively unimportant in contrast. Unfortunately that likely would only be capable of reciprocation in women who felt relatively similarly - potentially possible, though I don't think so in this case (although I suppose I don't *know* that) ~ she seems to put much more into physical traits. In any case, I'm left to ponder what to say about this in the future - with not only J* but R* and S* as well. Do I backtrack, or just keep silent on the matter? Am I perhaps obligated to be completely clear? And how should I explain it when I'm so confused on the matter myself? =/ * = changed for reasons of privacy. --------------------------------------------------
