I have been with my husband for two years. He has two children from a previous relationship and we are now expecting our first. I recently found out he has been seeing men since we first started dating, two years ago. He meets with other men a couple times a week always having an excuse for me as to why he isn't home. In his emails he is very explicit in what he likes and enjoys doing. This includes giving and receiving oral, the use of toys in is anus, role playing, having men "dress in something sexy his wife would wear", wearing womens panties, and sexual intercourse whether giving or receiving. Our sex life is almost non existent and I thought it was because I was pregnant and I didn't turn him on anymore. Once I confronted him with what I found out he said he loved me and wanted to be with me and only did those things because he didn't have to be himself, he could be whoever he wanted. He said it was his escape from his life. He said he isn't gay and doesn't have to be with men sexually in order to be happy and it would never happen again. As much as I want to believe him, I don't. He hid this from me from day one, from the first date, through marriage and now expecting our child. The number of times a week and how many men have grown drastically in two years. Once he found out that I knew he begged me not to tell anyone. I'm hurt, heart broken, confused, wondering if it's my fault or if I should have known. There is nothing wrong with someone being gay or bi but how could he tell me he loved me everyday knowing he was doing this. I feel like he has ruined my life by dragging me along on his adventures. I honestly think he is gay and only wants to be married for the "normal" look from society. He wants me to forgive him and continue on with our lives as if nothing happened, but how am I supposed to just forget it? Do you think he is gay or bi? Who can I talk to about how much this is affecting me? He doesn't understand how I feel
Hi, First, I feel for what you're experiencing. While I haven't been in your situation, I can imagine how it must feel, and the combination of anger, hurt, betrayal you must be feeling. This is a difficult situation, but it does sound in your case like your husband is likely gay. He's also very deeply in shame about it, as evidenced by the request not to tell anyone. And the shame is likely driving him more strongly into acting out, which is probably a form of numbing for him. I can all but guarantee that he feels terrible after his hookups, and he would love to be able to love you the way you deserve, but I doubt that he can. The reason I lean in the direction of gay rather than bi is the consistency of the acting out with other men, the lying, and the deteriorated sex life with you. It is pretty certain that he won't be able to keep his commitment to stop contact with others; as you point out, the fact the frequency has increased indicates that this isn't something entlrely in his conscious control. And the lack of authenticity is something that, honestly, is likely to poison the relationship unless you can get yourself to a place where you would be able to completely trust him again, which seems somewhat unlikely. Unfortunately, shame about being gay is a very powerful master for those who are dealing with it. It isn't clear to me whether he is, himself, in denial, or whether he knows but isn't ready to be honest with you. In either case, he has a whole lot of self-work to do before he'll be able to love himself, and he won't be able to love anyone else (male or female) until he can first love himself. So what to do... is a tough call. You have to decide, first and foremost, what you want. Not what he wants, or both of you want, but what *you* want and need. That's the most important thing here because right now, you're the one who's been repeatedly betrayed. It honestly seems unlikely in the long term that your relationship can work out, because if he's been doing this for so long... even if he wants to stop, clearly he either likes it, or is driven to it, and in either case, he won't be able to just give it up, and even if he did, I doubt he'd be truly happy. I know this isn't what you want to hear. It's also just my opinion, so I could be entirely wrong. But I think if you look in your heart, you'll be able to find your own truth. Last piece: as far as blame... first, what caused this, or who is at fault isn't really important. We do know from the research that in most cases where a gay man finds himself in a hetero marriage, that usually, after all the anger is released, and the dust settles, the wife can look back and acknowledge that there were signs she should have seen and either missed or ignored. That's human nature; we want to believe the best in people, particularly our spouses, and so the denial works both for the people like your husband struggling with who he is, and with his wife (you), who desperately wants things to work out. You're being remarkably thoughtful and generous in this situation. One important thing is to be just as thoughtful and generious to yourself as you are to him. Think about what you want in the long term, and whether your husband will be able to give that to you. As hard as it is, it may be easier to end this now so you can both move on and find real happiness than to try and patch it together and have the same issues arise in 1, 5, or 10 years. Please continue to share if you feel so inclined... it's helpful both to you and to others in your situation who are reading these threads.
