First let me just express how grateful I am for sites like this that offer support, advice and help to those of us who have nowhere to turn. To better understand my situation, I'll start with a short back-story about myself. I am 25 years old, I knew I was gay at a very young age, however due to my family's ignorance and homophobia I am still in the closet. My mother is an alcoholic, with whom I live with, as although she works, she is not able to fully support herself. My father died when I was very young and my older sister, who is the only member of my family I am actually close with, asked me few years ago if I was gay, and when I said no (the coward that I am) she responded with "good because if you were gay you wouldn't be my bother anymore". I am not afraid of losing them when they find out I'm gay, what I fear is what will they do without me, I fear my mother will either drink herself to death or end up on the street, and my sister end up alone without anyone to support her (she often turns to me with with all her problems, husband fiends work). They may not be a great family, but they are the only one I have, and I deeply care for them. (that was a bit longer then I wanted, sorry ) Let me get to the real issue. I am madly in love with my straight best friend. I know that is a problem many of us face but I really don't know what to do anymore. We only met two years ago when he moved here to get away from a horrible relationship and bad family situation. We became fast friends as we share so many similar interests as well as similar struggles. The more time we spend together, the deeper my feelings for him got, I have never met another person as incredible as him, even the few boyfriends I had, I was never able to connect with on a level I connected with him. Before I knew it, I was in love with him deeper then I ever thought possible. We got very close, shared very personal things, he told me many times that I am the only person who understands him, the only one who's always there for him. I helped him with his on-and-off girlfriend, who he just got back together with, which I don't get as just last week her called me in the middle of the night needing someone to talk to, as he had a really bad day, and he told me he went to her house before calling me, (she lives alone) and asked to come in, and she responded with "it's not a good time", I mean come on, how can you turn away someone you suppose to be in love with, as she claims, when they obviously need you. When we met that night he told me how he and her are so different and how she makes him bored and just how he wants to end the relationship but doesn't want to hurt her. Yesterday we went for dinner together, as we do often, and just spend the whole day together, which was just so amazing, but then at the end he said he was going to go to her house for the night as it was closer then his place. This has happened so many times before, when we would have the most incredible time hanging out, and him going to her after. I often feel like he comes to me for the feeling of love, compassion, support and understanding, and then goes to her for the intimate part of a relationship - sex. I am almost sure friendship is all he can give me (one night I send him a message saying I had a dream about him, and no nothing sexual, and he responded with "a friend is all I can be to you, you have to accept that"), yet he keeps telling me how precious I am to him, and how much he needs me, just the way he says things like that make me wonder if there could be something more. I have never actually told him I'm gay or how in love with him I am, but that message tells me he knows. I feel so lost, I cherish that friendship above anything else in my life, yet it hurts so much not being able to hold his hand, to embrace him, to be more then friends. He often gets upset with me when I don't tell him what's bothering me, but how can I, since it's him, I don't want him to feel guilty or responsible for the hurt I feel because it is not his fault. I am afraid that if I would tell him how I feel, things would became awkward and I might lose the best thing that ever happened to me, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. How am I to just be his friend, without the constant ache in my heart. I tried distancing myself from him, but it only made him feel like he did something wrong, I truly tried to just accept it and get over it, but when he tells me how lucky he is to have me in his life and how he misses me when we don't see each other for few days, or how I am the most important person in his life, it all just makes me love him more. I just don't know what to do...
First off, you need to realize that you are definitely capable of pursuing your own happiness while also looking out for your mom and sister. I was in a similar situation with my parents dysfunctional relationship, where I played the role of peacekeeper (though usually siding with my mom because my dad was always the source of friction). I basically sacrificed my personal life to keep them together and have some semblance of a normal family, which was a bad idea for everyone. My biggest regret moving far away for graduate school was leaving my mom, whom I love very much. But, I strongly believe that me becoming independent and preparing for a job will be beneficial in the long run.
Well the issue is he already told you he can only be your friend. End of story. You're deluding yourself because you're important in his life. You need to tell him to stop telling you all those phrases that only make you love him more, and also you need to realize that what you hope for won't happen. As crude as it is... Good luck
This isn't what you'll want to hear, but there is no way of sugar coating it; I'm afraid there is no way things will move beyond friendship. Why? Because he's already made it clear that he can be "nothing more than a friend to you... and you need to accept that". If you tell him how you feel, in spite of that, you could do serious damage to your friendship and lose him altogether. The best way to try to bring your friendship back on track is to give the love you feel for him to someone who will be able to reciprocate. Again, that's probably not what you want to hear right now, but it's the only reasonable way forward and I think it's time to put yourself first and work towards that. As for your family - it's one thing to love them and care about them, but another thing entirely to suspend your own happiness for their sake. That's too high a price and you need to break that chain of dependency they have on you.
Family is and will always be. Even though, you got to remember that you are the main character in your own story and they are in theirs. Cliche and all but you only live once, you can't lie on your deathbed full of regrets because you didn't live your life how YOU wanted to live it. How you do that, is up to you. About your friend, I agree with the posters before me. Best of luck, I truly mean it.
Sorry, forgot to add the second part. For me, I am able to be friends with a straight guy as long as I'm convinced he is straight. It's tough, and one way to get over it is to have more distance and/or focusing on other crushes. Also, you may want to be more direct in coming out to him because I honestly don't think he understands you're gay. A straight guy would not want to lead you on. You don't have to tell him your feelings, and just coming out will make him understand that he needs to avoid sending mixed signals that could be misinterpreted.
Thanks for all the advice. Well I am aware that me and him can only be friends, but like I said he makes it very difficult to get over him. Ever time I start feeling like I am letting go he does something like bringing me cupcakes he made or takes me out to watch the sunset with him. I think I will just have to be honest with him, at least come out to him, because this roller coaster needs to stop. As far as my family goes, the situation is just so complicated, I deeply care for them even if all they do is cause me pain, I just don't want to be the reason they fall apart. Again thanks for all the advice, just getting all of this out there made me feel better.
