I have irresponsible parents, my dad left my mum when I was born and my mum really fucked my life up, she was irresponsible, never took the blame for anything, exactly why I ended up in foster care. I had came out of foster care when I was 18, I went in at 6. She never took any responsibility for me, even now she acts like I'm not hers, she says she loves me but now still, she won't do anything to pull me out of the position I'm in. I love her because she's my mother but I'm pissed off with her. I live on my own and am trying to get a good job and save for a house but can't get anywhere because of this damn recession, it's pissing me off so badly, I just want to smash shit up, I'm that frustrated. Well anyway, I didn't start to see my dad until I was 18, he just feels like a stranger, I don't really feel as if I need to see him, just feels like a friend. I don't even have any strong feeling for him, I don't really love him. He lacks expression and he doesn't even cuddle me, he doesn't feel like my dad. It's hard to explain but with the relationship with my mum, when she is over my place I feel really good, I feel close to her, as if I could say anything but with my dad, the feelings aren't there. I have broken the ice with my Dad but he seems to calm, just feels like a robot. I even have fallen in love with my boss but not with my dad, I feel as if my boss would make a better Dad than mine, I would prefer him as a Dad and would actually prefer to cuddle up with him, he just feels like my Dad. Much more expressive than my dad, when I'm away from him I kind of miss him, but with my Dad, I just don't feel that. Why don't I love him? I do like him but it's nothing strong, nothing that gives me heartache or makes me down when I'm away from him. I know he's my Dad, but there is something missing. I still feel as if I'm missing a Dad, maybe this is the reason why I like older men but I'm not sure because I like older woman too. But about men, I would just love the feeling of cuddling up to a big guy as if he was my dad, he would talk to me like a son, because my dad never gave me that feeling. Nor did my foster Dad, he's even more miserable, he makes me feel like shit whenever I see him, I only go over to his house to see my foster mum and for dinner, he's so miserable and obviously doesn't want to talk. I do slightly love my Dad but it doesn't match the feelings I have for my boss or my mum. Have I lost the ability to love my Dad altogether, surely the most important years you can have with your Dad is when you are young, not now, because now he just feels like a friend, nothing deeply rooted within like the relationship with my mum. I would prefer to sit at home than cuddling with my boss than my Dad... Any advice?
Look around you, look at the countless men in this world. Think of all the men who show no interest in you. Who do nothing for you, and who you have no long-standing connection with. Think of all the men who you know that basically mean nothing to you. How is your dad different to them? He wasn't there until you were already a grown man. You don't have a connection to him for the same reason you don't have a connection to that guy on the bus you see every other day or that girls who runs the check-out at the supermarket who you always seem to run into. You just have no reason to care about the guy, and he doesn't appear to be trying to give you one. You had six years with your mum, and even though you think she did a terrible job, you seem to blame it on your dad.
