Okay, so I've been knowing this girl, her name is Jazzy, for a little over a year over Twitter. However, we have been just friends until May 14th when she said she liked me. June 14th will make a month since then! I am worried though. She lives in Canada, I in the United States, and I really do like her a lot - I just worry about not knowing her enough. As you know, I am mostly demi-romantic when it comes to women, I need an emotional connection to really be head over heals in love like I've been with other women. However, we don't have much time to talk now - She's going to be really busy with school and a job until like September and I feel like there is so little connection over the internet anyways. I do like her and I would hate losing her - And we will possibly meet for a K-pop convention in LA in 2015, but I really want to make this work. She's kind, she's so cute (not lookwise, but personality wise actually) she's so unique, and she claims she loves me (yes, we've told each other the l word already...), but I am scared that either she's going to fall out of love or I will. And I really am trying to put everything I can in this relationship, but with so little connection on a daily basis, I feel really lonely in this... It'd be different if I would see her everyday at school, noting how she interacts with others, seeing how she is when she's happy or when she's angry or sad - That's what I miss out on over the internet though... I know her goals in life, I know some of the struggles she's had, I know her likes and dislikes, but I feel like there is so much more I need to get to know about her... I do NOT want to breakup - In fact, almost every three days I'm telling her to not give up on me and how I want her to stay - I just want to know how can I have more of a connection with her over the internet? We are going to videochat soon, but I don't know exactly when. I don't want to give up so quickly on this, I want to give my absolute all in this relationship - But just how can I do that? Please know that I really DO like her, I'm just worried how things will go or when will I know if she really is the one? There's also the fact she doesn't believe in God like I do, and even though one of my top requirements for dating is that they should be a Christian, I'm dating her anyways, but I fear is going to come between us sooner or later, though religion hasn't gotten in the way at all yet! Another thing, is masturbation cheating? Like, we have dirty talked to each other before and I have masturbated thinking about us together, but other times, it's been more to sexual thoughts about other women (not a woman in real life, but like just some erotic material featuring women). Is that a bad thing? She does still fangirl over her favorite boybands (she's bi too) and talk about how sexy they can be and reads boy x boy smut. So, I guess what I am asking is how to be more connected with her over long distance while being demi-romantic and what things to rememeber in a first relationship. Thanks fir any help!!
I'll start this off by saying that my boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for nearly 2.5 years, with our first meet-up being just this past April. Long-distance relationships have their advantages and their disadvantages, but people tend to focus on the obvious disadvantage of not being able to interact person-to-person, touch-to-touch with your significant other. If you're wanting to make an emotional connection, your first priority should be finding a way that you two can frequently communicate. Whether that be through Facebook messaging, texting, snapchatting, twitter, Skype, whatever, you two need an avenue of communication that you can talk a lot, easily. My boyfriend and I really started getting serious when I gave him my number and we texted. Having a way to communicate no matter where you are helps. Video chat helps a lot. My boyfriend and I are frequent users of FaceTime, and we used Skype a lot earlier on in our relationship. When you have that avenue established, you both need to make a commitment to texting so that you can get to know one another. You can't expect the commitment to be perfect immediately - it took me probably four months to really solidify my commitment to texting my boyfriend, and even now, I'm not always the greatest. That being said, my next piece of advice is that you be patient. Patience is a necessary bitch in long-distance relationships, especially at your age, where parents must legally be involved for you two to safely meet. So if you're not out to them, you might have to wait until you are out to them. You have to be patient with your parents. Your parents might not understand or trust this person that you feel close with, and it's reasonable that they not be. My boyfriend and I were both 17 in April, and my mom still went with me to meet him for the first time. After that, my parents felt comfortable with me going up alone, and I went up alone the second time. You also have to be patient with your significant other (honestly, this isn't just with long-distance relationships). They have a life that they're living hundreds of miles away from you, and as much as you feel included in their life, you're not physically there, so you might take second place to a few things for a while. Long-distance relationships are stressful. You can't break after one straw - you need to be understanding of the stress your partner may be feeling because of your relationship. And be patient with your relationship. You're both still young. You have plenty of time to get to know each other and find out if this relationship is for you. There's absolutely no rush. No matter how much you say you love each other, you still have to get to know each other. Lastly - communication, not just talking, is key. You can't see each other IRL. You need to communicate your feelings. You need to communicate your desires. You need to communicate your physical love (cuddling, sexting, whatever). Communicate everything. If you have anything you want to talk about ever, don't hesitate to ask. It's a very interesting topic for me, and I'm happy to talk about my experiences. Good luck!
Oh my goodness, that helped so much, thanks a lot! I never thought about texting, that would be pretty helpful!! I do have a phone that I barely use, so I guess I should put it to use sooner or later anyways! Your last points about communication is exactly what I need to focus on more too! I have trouble so much with communicating in real life, and though it's easier for me to "talk" over the internet, it's still almost just as hard to communicate and I need to focus on that. The thing that's been stopping me from that though, is still shyness, though I can mostly be myself when I'm talking to her! And yes, I know, I really want to be a part of the other things in her life that I don't get to necessarily be a part of, but you are right, I shouldn't rush it. And no, I am not out to my parents, they are very strict with religion and homosexuality - They don't even know I know her. I, as well as Jazzy, may go to that event I was talking about again for our graduation presents and meet there, but they wouldn't know I even know her... Is that a bad idea? There will be other people at the convention and I could always pretend I just met her and that she's just a friend - Because I'm not really considering being out to them until I get absolutely serious with her. Thank you so much again for your advice and taking the time to write all that - You were a big help!! If you ever need something, feel free to ask me anything as well! (*hug*)
Gonna address this first because this could come bak to haunt you with the wrong idea: masturbation isn't cheating. Imagining yourself making sweet sweet love to Tilda Swinton or whoever isn't cheating because it's <i>fantasy</i>. So long as you don't act upon sexual desires with someone else without her okay in it, it isn't cheating. This is a very common misconception that l hope to alleviate you of! To the meat of your topic: LDRs can be incredibly hard on either party, especially if, like me, you need some physical interaction to have a relationship work out. As it stands I've only known two people personally to last in a LDR for longer than a year. You both have to be very committed, and l'd go so far as to say each other's best friend and everything that entails for something like an LDR to work. If you two have Skype l highly suggest vidchats frequently, along with movie nights maybe? Playing games, computer on console, whenever you can? Anything to make up for the lack of physical contact. Things to remember? That your first by law of averages won't be your last. Use this time to experiment, learn your limits and hers, what you want and don't want, etc. Then if you do end up breaking up, if nothing else you will have learned and grown as a person, right? As for the ideological differences, that's gonna be up to you. Were it me, so long as the difference didn't create a rift between you two, and that neither of you try to "convert" the other to their side, you should be fine. Be communicative about topics that bother you (abortion, saying God's name in vain, evolution, and so on), and let her do the same for her so hurt feelings don't build up. On that note: CLEAR COMMUNICATION IS SO IMPORTANT. Miscommunication and built up emotions have undone so many of my friends' relationships, and most all of their problems could have been solved by sitting down and talking honestly. Be open to constructive or at least well-meant criticism, but don't hesitate to gently but firmly call her out on something that bothers you. Lastly, though, be friends. Be really, really good friends first, and girlfriends second, so if you two DO end up breaking up (unless it's like infidelity or something mean like that) then you two will still have each other as friends. I hope l was remotely helpful,and l wish you both the best of luck in the future! ---------- Post added 5th Jun 2014 at 07:17 PM ---------- Bah, TJ beat me to the punch.
