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Internet worry / Grooming?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Bmx93, Jun 7, 2014.

  1. Bmx93

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    Hiya, as you know or some of you know my son recently told me he was Bi and had met someone (all good)
    Well my other son the same age was in the car with me today and has told me the person my son has "met" is a man on line who is a fair bit older he reckons in his early twenties at least! (My sons are 15).
    The one some hasn't been told about his brothers sexuality but suspects some relationship has formed between his brother (the Bi son) and this man.
    I'm ever so worried ! I don't think my son has told this person how young he is and my son has made out this man is only about 17 to me!
    I'm now ever so worried as I know young people can get groomed on line !
    Your thoughts and advice please !
     
  2. awesomeyodais

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    For us across the pond you may want to explain what "grooming" means in this context. I gather it's not a good thing.

    Parents with kids of all genders and orientations do need to be concerned and educate their kids about dangers associated with oversharing info, getting pulled into emotionally charged online relationships, meeting in real life, smoke and mirrors, etc... (heck, you could be his actual brother typing this and I could be an 80 yo nun).
     
  3. Bmx93

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    Grooming is when someone on line entices someone else either with lies or manipulation. I'm not saying this is for sure as my son seems to be shielding his age.
    Exactly we never know for sure who each other are on line unless perhaps web cams Botha ways are used possibly.

    I don't know how deep my sons in but I think this "relationship" was what sparked my son to come out to me!

    You read so many horror stories about kids running away wih older people :frowning2:
    I'm actually quite concerned if I'm honest this guy could be anyone !
     
  4. Peacemaker

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    i really wish i could help with some advice but cant think of anything, well except getting the guy's name and trying to find out who he is
     
  5. Bmx93

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    Yea you see I don't want to ruin my sons trust by snooping :frowning2: I tho he is safe for now what ever but will be watching this closely I think
     
  6. calgary

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    I would just suggest having a conversation with your son. See what his feelings actually are and where they actually are in the "relationship" i.e. have they met or sent pictures. Second had info is never a good thing. Finding out what site he met this other guy would be somewhat of a clue of this older guys intent. I would tend to think that a 20 something with a 15 year old would be inappropriate if not illegal regardless of the genders but have no idea what you would do about it. Other than that I can't give much advice.
     
  7. AKTodd

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    If you attempt to discuss this directly with your son, it may have the opposite of the intended effect.

    Perhaps you could take a more generalized approach? Given that your son has come out to you, it would be logical for you to be doing some research about having a gay child, raising a gay teenager, etc. etc. Also, given how big a role the online world plays these days it would also be logical for you to have both done online research and to have learned about various aspects of the online world in the process.

    Or at least it should be possible for you to formulate a credible story along those lines.

    Basically, you might be able to approach your son from the direction of having done some research and learned about some of the riskier things out there and just wanting to make sure he was informed for his own safety. Don't let him know about what his brother told you or that you have reason to believe that the person he's met may be older or online or the like. But basically have a discussion with him about being safe (this may include safe sex - yes I know, neither of you may enjoy that discussion or you may have had it already) and in the process you could discuss the issue of online predators, grooming, and age appropriate relationships.

    The goal here is that you may get him thinking about his own situation and being more careful or possibly ending this whatever-it-is if he's concerned by what he sees when he looks at it with more informed eyes. And of course you should also be keeping an eye on things in the background, just in case. That would make sense regardless of who he may or may not have met.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
  8. Bmx93

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    Thank you all will reply better in a little while just got to do food for the hungry kids ! Brb

    ---------- Post added 7th Jun 2014 at 05:52 PM ----------

    What the hell are "Furries"???
     
  9. Hyaline

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    "Furries" is a broad label for people that like to dress up in or have an interest in animal costumes. Sometimes this is connected with a sexual attraction, but not always.
     
  10. Bmx93

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    Is it linked to computer art?
     
  11. KyleD

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    I think there's a lot more things to worry about right now than ruining your son's trust. At that age I don't think your son should be meeting other people online.
     
  12. Bmx93

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    He's not meeting him in a physical sense just meets on line using the microphone etc from what I can gather! Do you think I should look into it more! I feel so awful about looking but I could probably find out a bit more from my other son . He is definitely older but possibly American but we are English
     
  13. Hyaline

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    Sometimes, but not always. Is there a reason you are asking? It tends to be a fetish, but not always..
     
  14. Bmx93

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    Only that he says he says he is into it I'm not sure it's dressing up but more drawing them and stuff he uses one as an avatar but I kinda thought it was a fetish thing . I'm getting confused .
     
  15. Hyaline

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    It is a bit of all of that. Just depends on the person. Generally it is just fantasy. Some people act out on it IRL and some people use it as a sexual fantasy. My guess is that if he told you, it is probably not a sexual fantasy. Boys tend to be kinda quiet about that. There is a whole subculture of people that like to dress up and act out in real life. Organizations like the Society for Creative Anachronism and the Historical Reenactment Societies.

    Be open minded and lend an ear, even if when he asks for advice the answer is "I don't know, but I can go find out"... Just do your best not to make that face parents make when they are surprised.. :slight_smile:
     
  16. Julieno

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    This is a situation in which it is very difficult to give advice, but i think you are doing great as a mother and yo will figure out how to go around it (I have read your other post).

    I know other people have different opinions but to be honest, if it was my son I would just approach him with loads on love.
    Tell him that you have heard that this person is quite older and that it worries you. be rational don't get angry, make it clear that you are just worried about him and not judging him. Also that he doesn't need to run into anything, that he will meet loads of guys

    As long as you keep calmed and don't get angry, let him know that you are just worried and not judging him and don't make it about being a same-sex thing (which from what I have read is not a problem with you). You should be able to handle it right.

    I was a really stubborn teenager but whenever my mother told me the things that way I always ended up doing what she wanted. I guess that's what love does.


    I sincerely think that it is a bit off for a 15 years old guy to be in an online relationship and that if that the other guy is 20 something it makes a big difference at that age. This is probably one of that situations in which i would go against my usual rules an snoop a bit. A 20 something yo person is way more experienced that a 15 years old and can easily manipulate him (I a not saying that it is happening just that it may be a possibility and that I won't trust much on a 20 something person interested in teenagers). I would try speaking to my son first anyway, but if you do snoop a bit, don't let him know that you did.

    my two cents.
    Hugs
     
  17. Chip

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    Wow. Challenging situation which I think you're navigating well.

    I tend to be a bit on the conservative side with these things because I've seen a lot of teens get suckered in by older guys into doing things that aren't healthy (talking in detail about sexual habits, masturbating on webcam, that sort of thing.)

    So I think one of the first pieces is to find out, as much as you can without being overly invasive, what the nature of the friendship/communication is. Are they focused on activities such as art or gaming? Or are the conversations going into other areas? Do you know if the other person is gay or not?

    The other unfortunate thing here is that many times the older person may claim to be 25... but really be 55. So unless there's clear evidence that he is who he says he is, there's good reason to be skeptical. One way of verifying age is seeing the other person on webcam, but that opens the door to activities that aren't good... and very often, once that door's been opened, it does lead down that path. Another option is having the other person take a ridiculous picture... something like holding a can of beans next to their face while making a funny face, as most people won't be able to find an image of someone else doing that.

    OF course, all of these require having a conversation about net safety, which, in turn, is likely to let on that you know something's up. And I aree with AKTodd that it's delicate and if it's handled the wrong way, he'll just go underground.

    If there's any way of getting him here, there are threads that talk about this topic which might be worthwhile for him to read. Otherwise, I think you have to try and walk the line between honoring his privacy and keeping him safel.

    It's quite possible this is all innocent and it's just discussion about a common interest among two teenagers... but the incidence of predators on the net, particularly for gay teens, is staggeringly high, so you're right on to be cautious about this.
     
  18. kyrtap

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    Such a tricky situation... I agree the most with Julieno. The online world is a dangerous one, especially for young people. You said that you don't think your son told the older guy how old he is, well then it's quite possible that the older guy doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. Teenagers can be very tricky, puberty and all, it can make them act irrationally at times, he might not realize he's putting himself in a dangerous situation. Like others have suggested, you should talk to him about online safety, carefully and comely explain to him you're just worried. That being said if you won't be able to get anywhere with all that, I also suggest doing a bit of snooping, I hate to say it since yes it will seriously violate his privacy, if he finds out you did snoop, oh my it can turn really ugly, but he is 15 after all, if he was my kid I would do anything to make sure he's safe. Good luck, and like others have said, you're doing an excellent job as a parent, I hope everything goes well.