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Fear of coming out causing relationship stress

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by tmm5198, Jun 10, 2014.

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  1. tmm5198

    tmm5198
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    So I’ve been in my first gay relationship for a little over a year now. We’re very much in love and are planning out our future after graduation (we’re both in our second year of grad school). We want to move in together once we find jobs but he’s adamant about not coming out to his family.

    I can understand why he would be nervous about telling them because they’re not very supportive of homosexuality. The problem is that if we move in together he wants to keep our relationship a secret, even if it’s a new city where we can start fresh not knowing anyone. He’s so against coming out that he doesn’t even want me to tell my parents about us – even though I think that I’m ready and they’ll be fairly supportive.

    So far we’ve kept our relationship a secret to everyone except our closest friends but lately it’s been pretty stressful for me. It’s kind of morbid but he says that he wants to wait until his grandparents have passed to come out to his family (they’re the most against it). I’m just not confident that even after this happens he won’t find some other reason not do it.

    The last thing that I want to do is force him to come out if he isn’t ready, but I don’t think that I can carry on being his “roommate” or “friend” for the next 10+ years – he’s even told me that when we move in together we’ll need two bedrooms so that if his family or friends visit they won’t realize we sleep in the same room.

    I don’t expect him to tell everybody he meets or to make our relationship obvious, but for my own sanity I can’t keep hiding this from everyone in my life. I know he loves me and I feel the same but I’m worried that if we don’t resolve this it could end the relationship once we start a life together. Any advice?
     
    #1 tmm5198, Jun 10, 2014
  2. BookDragon

    BookDragon
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    That is a real shitty situation you're in, and one that winds up being pretty divisive in terms of responses.

    So you'll get a lot of people telling you that you can't FORCE him to come out if he isn't ready, and those people are right, that is cruel.

    BUT at the same time, if you aren't happy and you CANNOT be happy because of something like this you are under absolutely NO obligation to stay.

    So in these situations I like to take orientation out of it. I do this because there are bloody good reasons for not wanting to come out of the closet but I just cannot justify using them if it hurts somebody else.

    SO instead, ask yourself this question.

    If you were in a straight relationship (again, ignore your orientation) and your girlfriend told you:

    She wants to wait until his grandparents have passed to come out to her family
    She wants to keep your relationship secret from all but your closest friends indefinitely
    She wants you to pretend to be a room-mate or friend if anybody asks
    She wants you to pretend you sleep in different rooms
    Basically she wants to hide it from everyone for as long as possible.

    How would you feel about that relationship?


    Now imagine I came to you, asking for your help. Imagine I came to you and said "My boyfriend wants to hide our relationship and I can't deal with it!" what would you tell me to do?

    Your boyfriend may have excellent reasons for not coming out, and that is absolutely his right, but he can't use that to force you into something you are not comfortable with.
     
    #2 BookDragon, Jun 10, 2014
  3. tmm5198

    tmm5198
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    Thanks for the response, Ellia. I just want to be clear that I would never force him to come out - I would hate for someone to give me that kind of ultimatum and my post may have made it sound like I was considering doing that. I guess what I'm trying to find is some kind of solution that doesn't make either of us uncomfortable. What you're saying makes perfect sense and definitely helps put things in perspective. When the time comes to have this conversation with him I just don't want to make it seem like I'm saying "It's me or your family".
     
    #3 tmm5198, Jun 10, 2014
  4. BookDragon

    BookDragon
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    No, you made it quite clear that you didn't want to give him an ultimatum, don't worry!

    I just want to make sure that you remember that you have a right to be in a fulfilling relationship just as much as he does, and that you shouldn't feel pressured into forcing yourself to accept a situation you can't handle, just because it seems unfair to get yourself out of it.

    You see it as giving him an ultimatum. I see it as valuing yourself as a person.

    What I'm saying is you need to change the way you approach the situation. Think of it in terms of fulfilment. Are you both getting what you need out of your relationship, and is the relationship healthy.

    If you are being forced to live a lie most of the time, for any reason, are you getting what you need and what you deserve out of a loving relationship? No. Should you put up with it? No.

    As you say, it's not fair to say "It's me or your family", but it's also not fair for him to say "You must pretend to be single forever because I don't want people to know".
     
    #4 BookDragon, Jun 10, 2014
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