Navigating Same-Sex Friendly Intimacy

Hi All,

I seem to have developed some kind of pattern in my life, where I click really well with a guy for whatever reason, such as him taking an active interest in me, and then I almost immediately get romantically attracted to him. It's happened at least three times over the past 6 years or so, and each time it has been to guys that others might judge as effeminate or even gay, but it turns out that they are straight (of course they're never dating girls when we are friends!). Usually I am not convinced that they are straight, at least not at the time I get feelings for them. I should mention that most people do not peg me as gay (that adds a bit of fear of rejection on my part if it turns out they are straight and any bit homophobic).

The problem lies in my 1) change in behavior when I find out I am romantically attracted to them and my 2) undying limerence that takes a year or two to lapse. I think these problems were mostly because I was fully in the closet then (now just "closeted" at work by dint of omission).

When I realize I like them as more than friends, I immediately begin these childish antics of "playing hard to get." I will see if they respond to me withdrawing a bit, I will purposefully ignore them to gauge a reaction, and when I talk to them I'll become slightly acidic (sassy, sarcastic). Sometimes my demeanor is more that of being shy and nervous. What's worse about this behavior is it's usually before I even become good friends with them, so it's not like they know enough about me to know that I'm acting strangely for a reason. I guess I just thought that if they also really liked me they would not relent in getting my attention (again, thinking they might not be straight)?

The usual result? I suddenly get obsessed waiting for them to show they like me, and it never happens. I then spend the next year waiting while wading in lovesickness and regret. The budding friendship falls apart, I never get close to them, and I further regret that I do not have their strong friendship in my life.

I'm sure I'm not alone in this, right? I have a feeling that - straight or gay - this behavior would turn anybody away. My question then is how do I proceed with a friendship if these feelings come in between? I feel like I'll scare anyone away if I'm too exuberant about hanging out often and if I'm becoming platonically intimate quickly. At the same time, I have built an unemotional facade in the past, which has allowed the beginning friendship to founder. Is there some happy medium? Has anyone found it? I would really appreciate some opinions from others! I'm tired of being lonely. (Sorry for the novel.)

L