Parents finally know, but i still feel alone.

Gonna rant a little bit here.:tantrum:


So as the title says, I came out to my parents about my gender identity last week via letter. They were understandably shocked but professed their love for me no matter what. They asked questions through email, allowing me to write everything out and explain myself fully. While it felt absolutely amazing that they were accepting of me, we haven't actually had a physical conversation about it other than the occasional "Are you OK?"

I've found myself feeling almost no different than before they knew, just as depressed and even more frustrated that I can't transition right now. (Mom has expressly said that they can't pay for my transition), which is completely understandable, but I feel soo much pressure from myself to find the money to get started. I feel like there is a biological clock hovering over me, because I know the longer that the testosterone my body is producing flows through my blood, the harder it will be to reverse its effects.

And on top of that, i'm terrified of starting my transition because I will be publicly known for it. I have always been shy, and don't like to draw attention to myself, and yet here I am getting ready to strap neon signs to my back saying that I am a girl. I know deep down that the opposition and prejudice I will face is nothing compared to the joyous freedom awaiting me on the other side of transition, but I can't help but be scared. Honestly I think that if I wasn't scared then I wouldn't be human.

I wish they would talk to me, because there is too much pent up emotion in me. If I don't release it soon, i'm afraid that it will just explode out violently. Even when I'm alone like right now I can't bring myself to cry, no matter how much I need to. Hiding for so many years has left me incapable of expressing deep emotion. The first time I had released any sort of deep emotion in years was when I lost my grandmother a few months ago. And even then I had trouble letting the tears flow. I just need to talk to them, to hear them tell me that everything will be OK.

But mostly, I just need to cry.

 

Thank you.(*hug*)

 

Thanks for reading LOHAC. And thanks for the offer.(*hug*)