My boyfriend and I have been together 5 1/2 years but for about three years we've not been having any sex. We used to have a very healthy and slightly kinky sex life. When the problems started he asked me to give him time, so I did. Then every time I tried to discuss it with him he wouldn't want to talk about it and it just became a painful thing we never talked about. Due to my mental health problems, about 6 months ago I moved out of the flat we shared and in to my mum's place. I thought that taking away the stress of looking after me would solve the problem but it hasn't. Every time I stay over at what used to be "OUR" flat is excruciating. He won't even hug or kiss me. He sleeps as far away from me as he can though we share the same bed, he never says he loves me and when I tell him that I love him he never says it back. I feel so rejected and disgusting. I feel unloved and unwanted and so lonely. I have found it impossible to talk openly with him about it so I sent him an email asking some pretty direct questions and he actually replied with real answers. He says it's not anything I've done and there's nothing I could do or change about myself that would influence his sexual desire. He says he just feels totally void of desire to touch or hug or kiss or have sex with another human being. He says doesn't know why and said "I don't know if that means I'm sick or there is something wrong with me". He feels less stressed knowing I am being looked after at my mum's place. He says still enjoys my company and when I visit and we do fun stuff together like going to the cinema. He says he thought his desire for physical affection would come back or maybe he'd even get those feelings for another person but they just haven't come back at all. He says he doesn't think he has the capacity to do relationships anymore but that he still loves me. I absolutely do not suspect that he has been cheating on me, there is no reason for me to suspect him at all and I think I can trust my judgement on that as I'm quite a paranoid person. Obviously I wonder if he might be asexual, but we had a good sex life before and he says the desires he used to experience have gone away, can sexuality be so fluid that you go from being very sexual to completely void of desire for physical touch? I vaguely recall that loss of libido could be a symptom of illness, but coupled with complete lack of desire for physical touch concerns me even more. I know he is a very anxious person but he says he does not feel like his anxieties, or the behaviours that appear symptomatic of a problem like OCD, are an issue that needs fixing. I think that maybe his anxiety and his obsessions and compulsions give him rules and structure and he feels comfortable with that. (disclaimer - I am not diagnosing him with a mental health problem, I am not qualified to do so. I simply recognise that some of his behaviours fit the symptoms.) I wonder if he is depressed though, because he says he has trouble knowing what he feels and that he feels "blank" most of the time. We are now talking openly about it, via email because talking out loud is so much harder than writing. I love him so much, but I'm also finding myself attracted to other people which is not something I usually experience when I'm in love. This whole situation is distressing and confusing and terrifying. I just wanted to get some opinions and to hear if anybody has been in a similar position as either myself or my boyfriend. Also if anybody has any advice I would really appreciate it. :help:
I don't think you could just become asexual, so I'm inclined to think that something happened that made him lose all desire. I've heard of that happening before. I think you might be right about the depression, if he actually is depressed then that could account for why this happened.
I don't think he's an asexual, I mean even they like hugs. Also if you are asexual, it's usually a lifetime thing not something you become, but I suppose sexuality is a fluid thing. Are there any signs he might be sick, mentally or otherwise? Depressed people often have no desire for sex or anything like that. When I was depressed I know I didn't want to have sex for six years when I had major depression caused by schizoaffective.
the same thing happens in marriages, makes u think he may be depressed though, the sudden disinterest makes me think that too. my sex drive dies when i am peak depression. i am not a doctor though, but if you aren't finding your needs being met then it may be time to seriously suggest he look into seeking help for that. it'll be okay op!!!
Hi guys, thank you so much for your replies. We've been emailing back and forth. I've expressed my concern regarding his mental and emotional wellbeing and I've urged him to seek help and support or treatment if necessary. He doesn't think that there's anything to "fix" and he's simply accepting the way things are now. He says he feels blank and that his head is full of clouds, it sounds a lot like how I feel when I am depressed. But he's so numb and uncaring that he doesn't have the desire to seek help. He also said "sex just does what it does and your body wants what it wants and you don't get to understand it". Reading between the lines I'm guessing that he doesn't believe that your emotional wellbeing can affect your libido. Except he then said that when he gets anxious it makes his lack of libido even worse. But he doesn't think that's the root cause, but can't identify the root cause. And he doesn't want to get help with his anxiety. So, he's absolutely not willing to get help because he doesn't want to change and he doesn't see a problem in that. He understands that I need affection and sex and that he can't give that to me. He acknowledges that it's unfair to expect me to wait for one or two or maybe ten years until his feelings come back. Everything he is saying is boiling down to "I don't want to change, I want you to move on and find what you need from somebody else, I still love you though and I don't want you to just cut me out of your life." Except he doesn't ever say things in a straightforward way. Well, asexual or depressed or both, he's content to have no libido and doesn't see it as a problem. Despite the fact that it means our relationship is now pretty much ending.... How can he be so fucking indifferent? And if I hadn't decided to talk about it with him then would he ever have said anything? Would he have just tried to carry on as though it wasn't a problem and continue to push me away? I just... I can't even... I'm so confused. I thought if I knew more about how he felt and what he wanted it would make sense but I can't understand how he has come to justify his decisions. I know that nobody has to justify themselves if they don't want to, but I'm just so desperate for some information that makes sense.
