Is It Fair to the Straight Friend

I have been head over heels in love with a straight guy friend for almost exactly a year now and things have been just getting better and better as we have been growing closer as friends. However, as he doesn't suspect anything as to how I actually feel about him, I wonder if it's fair to him for me to keep the friendship going the way it is.

I suppose I feel like I'm taking advantage of him in a way. He's not aware of how my heart jumps every time he greets me in the hallway, of how I melt every time he brushes his arm against mine, of how I lose my breath every time he lifts up his shirt, etc. If he knew, he would be appalled and would make sure to avoid any contact with me whatsoever. So, by not letting him know how I view him, I am indirectly allowing him to do things with me he would otherwise be very reserved to do, given how I react to them. Thus, it turns out that I am fooling him.

He even talks to me about how he masturbates or how he wants to have sex with some girls, etc. I obviously want to hear that, but much more than he could imagine. Furthermore, if we go on vacation together this summer as we did, we may well end up sleeping in the same bed together (as there will be significantly more of us than available beds). That's evidently fantastic for me, but he ends up indirectly victimized, it seems.

However, I realize that as long he doesn't know anything and never finds out, he can't be hurt in any way. Thus, I suppose there is nothing to really worry about. After all, life is not about what reality is but how we perceive it - if he perceives it as though everything were in the finest order, there couldn't be any harm.

What are your views on this? Would you personally find it acceptable to pretend to be merely friendly with someone you feel much more strongly for? Additionally, how would you react if you found out that someone harbored romantic and sexual desires for you but concealed them, not allowing you to be on your guard as you could have been?

 

Actually, the friendship isn't that deep at all - it's rather superficial. When I said things were getting better, I wasn't implying that we were actually growing rather intimate - simply that our relationship is now slightly less superficial. For example, he recently confided to me about romantic problems, I helped him with schoolwork (for which he invited me to his place), we played the piano together, he has started approaching me to chat every time he sees me in the hallway in school, etc.

As for me hurting, I don't know if I am. I suppose that in some ways I indeed am - I have, for example, spent countless hours languishing away in my bed in the dark, trying to accept the dreariness of life without him by my side. I have delayed so many of my activities, including schoolwork, due to not being able to focus on anything but thoughts about him. I realize that this is impractical and overall ridiculous, but I don't really reconcile my reasoning with my emotions.

Anyway, the extent to which he exhilarates me when we do spend time together makes it seem as though it's all worth it. If I can look forward to the bliss of spending a week with him on vacation in August, I don't really mind if I hopelessly pine for him all June and July. It's not that I'm really disappointed about anything - I realize he can't begin to fulfill my actual wishes and needs. I accept that. I am just glad to be able to enjoy what I can get. Anyway, when one regards someone as so sublime as I do him, one is sufficiently gratified from that person's mere presence. One doesn't really even want as much in return.

I realize that if I were to get over him, none of this would really matter. I suppose I could choose to isolate myself from him as much as possible or even drive him off by telling him how I feel, whereafter I suppose my interest for him would gradually wither away. However, because what I have now is so fulfilling, regardless of how scanty it may be, I am not inclined to making any such decision.

The main consideration for me is that even if I do manage to make myself get over him, I would have nothing. Who would I find to replace him with? If I fall out of love, I may not need anyone - I would be content with my remaining activities and preoccupations, such as friends and hobbies - but I don't want to settle for that. Namely, I think what I have now is better. I am also propelled by inertia, I presume.

If I had the opportunity to find a real boyfriend who would fulfill me, I would go for it - I would know that that way I would be happier. However, this doesn't seem to be an option for me at this point. Thus, in conclusion, I think that I do want to spend these years the way I am spending them, i.e. stuck with unrequited love. At the end of next year, I will part with him forever, as I will be going away to university, but until then, I'm fine if things stay this way. Only afterwards will I begin considering new options, I suppose. Of course, I don't know what will change in the course of the upcoming year.