Hello everyone! So here’s the story, I went to San Francisco a month ago and met him there during my vacation. We hit it off really well and we spend six days together. We flirted and went only as far as oral pleasure. After I got back to Toronto, we chatted everyday via Google hangout and Watsapp for the last three weeks. I just found out yesterday he is HIV-positive. He told me last night and being educated in this subject matter I was pretty calm and I told him “it doesn’t change how I feel” and what I said is still valid, but I am just not certain the longevity of our relationship. Aside from his HIV status, He’s 30 years older than me, we have a gap in life stage, he’s in a different country – is he just a vacation/short term lease boyfriend? What am I to him? Our relationship status is...ambiguous The truth is we connect really well – emotionally, physically and mentally. I haven’t met anyone like him. When were together we are incredible. We just get one another. We been chatting prior to his announcement that he would come see me in Toronto during August. He told me he would understand if I don’t want to see him. I never have been in a situation like this. Thoughts? P.S. Will be getting tested later today.
Wow, a lot to ponder here! A 30-year age gap is an issue, it depends on how old you are and how independent and confident you are about your own decisions, but I suspect that his being older will alter the balance of power in his favour. He should have told you about his HIV status. Yes, these days if people are properly treated and their virus levels are below detectable limits your risk would be quite low; but then why keep it a secret until you hear "oh, by the way"? This illustrates to me a perfect example of the power dynamic between you: he made the decision for you instead of you deciding for yourself if this risk was acceptable...not cool in my opinion.
I can't add much to what greatwhale said in his response. He definitely should have told you about his HIV status. Not doing so was very wrong and it would certainly lead me to ask serious questions about the whole relationship.
I agree with Linco, here. The fact he did not tell you he was HIV+ would lead me to not trust him and therefore make the relationship very questionable.
if a pal told me he had hiv and i should think of getting check out and he like over my age i would probably stop talking to him for while just so i could sort stuff out
There is one thing that every relationship needs in order to have any real value and meaning, and that's authenticity. Without it, everything else is essentially build on a house of cards. If you've been "together" online for a while, and met up in person, there is absolutely no possible valid excuse for his not telling you. It's one thing if it was a week. If it's a month or more... no excuse. I'm sure on his part, it is shame about being HIV+, and that's with good reason... for many HIV- gay men, being HIV+ is about the worst stigma possible, and so it basically discourages those who are positive from sharing it. But it doesn't make it OK. Additionally, I hate to say it, but there's almost no way a 30 year age gap at your age can be healthy. You're a generation and a half younger, and that's going to create all sorts of power dynamic issues, not to mention other stage-of-life issues. Finally, (wasn't clear from your post, but another poster mentioned it), if you engaged in any sort of sexual activity, even oral sex, where he didn't disclose his status... that, right there, is an end-of-discussion dealbreaker. It means that he knew that he was at risk (however small from oral sex) of transmitting the HIV virus to you, and intentionally chose not to tell you about it for his own selfish reasons. That's not somebody you want to be with, and not somebody that deserves to be with you. When you combine the factors together (lack of authenticity, age gap, lying about status and putting you at risk) I, personally, could not justify continuing the relationship. Not because he's HIV+, but because of his behavior and disrespect for your needs and your safety. You deserve better.
