*warning, explicit content!!**** I didn't know where else to put this, so I figured here....if it needs to be moved, okay fine. Anyways. I'm posting about this because it's had a huge impact on my sexual orientation, and I was just wondering if I could get advice. I'm already in therapy and on anti-depressants. So, here goes... My ex-step mother sexually/psychologically/mentally/emotionally abused me throughout my childhood. At the age of 3, maybe 4, she blindfolded me, saying she was going to give me a sour lollipop. She forced me to perform oral sex on her. At 7, she decided to show me what a french kiss was. Throughout all this until the age of 11, she had done some psychologically shameful things to me. Trashing mine and my brothers' rooms and making us clean them up, forcing my face into a pile of my own vomit, picking me up by my hair and throwing me into my room... She and my father divorced when I was 11. We continued to visit and see each other, and she was still crazy. After my brothers' suicide 7 years ago, we lost touch for a good 5 years. I actually lived with her for a year, thinking she had changed. She didn't...well, she didn't throw things around the house anymore, but she was still manipulative and emotionally abusive. To this day, I have not forgiven her. I know it's in my best interest to do so, and move on, but it's hard. I can't stand it. Because of what happened when I was 3, I'm afraid that I'll not be able to totally and completely be with another woman without having that kind of flashback. I've "been down" on two different times, two different women. The first one wasn't so great because she didn't taste all that great (at least she wasn't sour! >.<). the second one was a girlfriend from high school who I was absolutely in love with, and she was kinda salty...it wasn't amazing, but it wasn't bad, either. I'm sorry if this is too explicit or what have you, but I really feel like I need to get it out. So, how does one get over something like all this? How do I forgive her? How do I let it all go, and just live my life? I mean, obviously I am, but still. It eats me up inside.
Hi. First, it must have taken a lot of courage to write about that and I admire you for being able to talk about it. Second, therapy is what will help and it sounds like you are getting it. You should be working with a therapist with a specialty in childhood sexual abuse, as it is a specialty requiring particular skill, training and experience. Of your therapist does not have specialty and a number of other clients I would recommend seeing one who does as it makes an enormous difference. Finally, talking about your experiences here will also be helpful. Sexual abuse does not alter sexual orientation, but it can lead do confusion and discomfort. Once you work through the issues, whatever your hardwired orientation is will become more comfortable for you.
Sorry that happened to you. I suggest therapy. I'm sure any girl will understand and stop if she realizes you're close to a traumatic moment.
Contrary to seemingly popular belief, I don't think that sex (or the ability to have sex) is the end all/be all of a relationship. My boyfriend and I both have had traumatic experiences with sex and are now (after a year and a half dating, most of which was long distance) finally ready to explore ourselves. Having been raped by my ex, I understand how certain things can be very triggering. If I may make a suggestion (which you can take or ignore as you see fit), it may be better to open up to your partner and be honest with your hesitations. Sometimes talking it out with someone you love can even quell the internal thoughts and hesitations. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive my ex for what he did. He turned sex into something that was shameful for me. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to just give up on trying. If I feel the urge, we attempt at it. My boyfriend is very understanding about giving me space, even when we're in the middle of something fun and I have to stop.
My therapist is a really nice lady. She seems understanding enough, and she's helped me out somewhat. I might find a different therapist, though. And yeah, I understand that sexual abuse doesn't alter sexual orientation, but I feel that it can impact it, like you said. And thanks but, I'll get through it~! I always do.
