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Is Not Having Kids "Selfish"?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by bisexualkpopfan, Jun 18, 2014.

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  1. bisexualkpopfan

    bisexualkpopfan Guest

    Hello all, I hope you are doing good! :slight_smile:

    Anyways, me and my dad were talking about this - He basically wants me to have kids and he thinks that not having kids "Isn't the right choice" and tries to persuade me to have them, regardless of him saying he isn't trying to pressure me at the end of persuading me.

    The thing is though, I don't want kids. And it's not for a selfish reason - I just don't see myself being a good parent. I'll be too clingy, if they disrespect me or are mean to me, I won't tell them to stop, I'll just breakdown crying - I just wouldn't be able to let my child go you know? I really don't want my child to go through anything I've gone through. I don't want to ruin a child's life. Is that really selfish? My dad sure seems to think so...

    It's just too much for me though - I just couldn't do it. The only time I would either change my mind about that is if my partner wanted one - And the closest I'll come to having kids is adoption.

    Do I really have to have kids, if that's what me and my partner end up agreeing on? Why is it so bad to realize you aren't going to be a good parent and just decide not to raise a kid when you know you can't? I don't get it :/
     
    #1 bisexualkpopfan, Jun 18, 2014
  2. konsealed

    konsealed
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    Are you the only child? If so, its because you are your parents only chance to be grandparents. Even if u have siblings, ur parents may have an interest to see the family grow and may feel that if they had u and raised u...that u should go thru the joys or parenthood too. Also, they may be worried that u could grow old and not have any kids and grandkids to spend time with.

    However, regardless of their reasoning for asking u to have kids, it is your choice. I want kids because my family isn't close and I want to have a big family so I can see it grow and create the type of family that is close, loving and caring.
     
    #2 konsealed, Jun 18, 2014
  3. stocking

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    No not at all but I've been told by my mother that it is and because I'm a woman I should have kids but it's not in my opinion
     
    #3 stocking, Jun 18, 2014
  4. bisexualkpopfan

    bisexualkpopfan Guest

    No, I have a half-sister (we have the same dad, but not mom) who has three children and I have my 15 year old brother, but he has autism and I don't know when he'll have kids because he still can't talk very much yet.

    I am glad for the parents who have kids - I'm very proud of the good ones especially, because it is a hard job to be a good parent - But one that they should be very happy about! However, being a parent isn't for me and as for me, I don't feel like I should be forced to raise a human being for the sake of carrying the family name or whatnot. For me, it's not a good reason. I would love if someone else had children to carry on the family name, but I don't really care about the family name, to be honest.

    I'd have my partner to grow old with though. I forgot to mention that, but another reason I wouldn't want to have kids - And this maybe the selfish part - But I kind of want it to be just me and my partner. I mean, after all, that will probably be the only person who would love me for me and I kind of want to have that person all to myself. With a kid, we would have less time to spend together and then my partner will probably love our kid more than me, since the kid probably will be a better person that I am... When I can finally find love, I just don't want to lose it.

    ---------- Post added 18th Jun 2014 at 06:12 PM ----------
    I know right? I personally think my dad wants me to have kids so much because of hetero-normativity - I think he's suspecting something about my sexuality and I think he wants to make sure I won't end up with a woman or something. Too late for that though because I have a gf. And I also think it's tradition too and that, like your mother believes, women should have babies. However, there are enough people who have kids or want kids and I don't see what would be the harm in a few people not wanting kids, like seriously. Thank you for your answer :slight_smile:
     
    #4 bisexualkpopfan, Jun 18, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 18, 2014
  5. BelleFromHell

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    [​IMG]

    My mom thinks my siblings are better than me because she's "positive" they'll give her grandchildren. *snicker*
     
    #5 BelleFromHell, Jun 18, 2014
  6. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    I don't want kids either. And I actually really like kids a lot! I just don't think I'd be a good parent, especially not anytime soon. Hell, I'm technically 23 now, but I feel like I have the psyche of a 13 year old who can't handle too much responsibility lol
     
    #6 Fallingdown7, Jun 18, 2014
  7. stocking

    stocking Guest

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    Your welcome and nothing is wrong with not wanting a kid I find it funny that it's ok for a man to not want kids but if a woman says that everyone starts attacking her . I think one female celeb got in trouble and attacked for saying that can't remember her name .
     
    #7 stocking, Jun 18, 2014
  8. bisexualkpopfan

    bisexualkpopfan Guest

    Hahaha that meme is so true :roflmao:

    But ugh, I'm sorry about that - Your mom seriously has no right to deem you better than her other children just because of that, like seriously?? Why can't society just realize that everyone is different and wants different things?? I mean, people aren't here to live up to everyone else's standards:rolle:

    Please ignore your mom and know that you are still a special and amazing person who will go very far in life, I'm sure of it! :slight_smile:
     
    #8 bisexualkpopfan, Jun 18, 2014
  9. Melanie

    Melanie Guest

    No its not selfish. Plenty of people give and give and give that dont have children and will NEVER have children. Its about knowing what YOU want out of life. It has nothing... and I mean absolutely nothing to do with being selfish. Thats generally peoples way of trying to shame you.

    I cant tell you how many people I have met (usually women) that say if they had to do it over again, they would NOT have children.
     
    #9 Melanie, Jun 18, 2014
  10. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    Sometimes I actually think It's MORE selfish to HAVE children.

    If you have children just to have them to avoid social stigma when you aren't ready, It's unfair for the child if you can't give them the proper care.

    People who do raise children correctly are very unselfish and giving people, but it has to come from the fact they were ready and put their all into it.

    Forcing someone who isn't ready for kids to have them is selfish.
     
    #10 Fallingdown7, Jun 18, 2014
  11. stocking

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    I see this a lot from a few people I know and have seen , my mom is also one of them :dry:
    I'm glad I was born though(!)
     
    #11 stocking, Jun 18, 2014
  12. YuriBunny

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    My mom is constantly reminding me that I'd better have children. O.O

    When I came out, she was like, "Well... you'll have to adopt then."
     
    #12 YuriBunny, Jun 18, 2014
  13. TigerInATophat

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    I was about to say the same thing actually. The most selfish course of action is to have children (or indeed to push someone else into having children) when there exists even the slightest possibility that it might not be the best idea. Those who are childless should not have to worry about being 'selfish' because of a hypothetical child that doesn't even exist yet and thus has no needs to be considered. You would think that people who are parents themselves would have a more responsible attitude towards parenthood yet I am constantly amazed by how many treat the concept of bringing a human into the world with such nonchalance, 'oh you'll change your mind,' 'it'll happen eventually,' 'just go ahead and do it,'!

    This is one area where I think gay couple as a general rule have a far more mature approach; when a gay couple decide to have a child it is usually the result of much careful consideration and meticulous planning whereas roughly 50% of heterosexual pregnancies are unplanned. That's not to say an unplanned pregnancy need turn out badly or indeed that a planned one should turn out well, but still a situation where a decision must be made in advance makes it more likely to be the right choice for all concerned.
     
    #13 TigerInATophat, Jun 18, 2014
  14. AwesomGaytheist

    AwesomGaytheist
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    Not at all. I know so many people who had kids for very selfish reasons...my cousin was a heroin addict and that resulted in her first unplanned child being stillborn, so this past fall she had another one as a replacement. She lives in a pigstye in the most dangerous city in America with a "boyfriend" twice her age. According to my aunt, the child will never know who his biological father is. My cousin had his open house there last weekend and I should have taken pictures and sent them to Child Protective Services.

    I've known people who were born just so they could pass on their last name, have someone to will their things to when they die. The worst one is when they'll have a child so she'll have someone to love her. They're not there to love you, this is not a game, and it's far more work than a new puppy.

    I don't want kids because A. Yeah it involves a lot of sacrifices and a lot of change to your own life, but mainly because B. I'm not father material. I've had people tell me I'd make a great parent or whatever, but knowing myself, I'm not a parent and never will be. I hate kids, why would I want to have one?
     
    #14 AwesomGaytheist, Jun 18, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2014
  15. Chip

    Chip
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    What's selfish is for a parent to impose his or her desire onto their adult child without considering the adult child's needs.

    The world is overpopulated. Crazy conservative looney-bin Republicans are having 19 kids. The world isn't going to die because you choose not to have kids.

    No, what's going on here is your mom and dad want kids, and it is their selfishness that they're projecting onto you. I mean... every parent wants grandkids, but ultimately it is up to the adult child whether or not s/he decides to have children. It is a great sacrifice, a lot of energy and time, often thankless, to raise kids. Anyone that would minimize the decision not to make that sacrifice as "selfish" is, him or herself, selfish.
     
    #15 Chip, Jun 18, 2014
  16. sammy1

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    Not wanting a child is NOT selfish!!! If ur dad wants grandchildren so bad that he is trying to persuade u into having children than in my opinion he is the selfish one...not everyone is the motherly type and another thing is they do end up costing A LOT of money and time etc. if I met a girl and from the beginning she tells me she loves kids and wants to be a mother so badly well then I couldn't be with her because I know I would never be able to raise a child. I don't understand why a lot of people think that it's weird if a woman doesn't want to have children.
     
    #16 sammy1, Jun 18, 2014
  17. BelleFromHell

    BelleFromHell
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    She was raised in the 70's, which was when the women's rights movement started to get serious, so that could be why. Aside from this, she's fairly feminist (even though she hates that word).

    Of course, she thinks men should also raise children, but she's more disgusted when women go childfree. She's told me that most people who don't raise children become messed up in the head (too late for that, lol), so she doesn't care much about the procreation side of it.

    You're too sweet. Thank you!! (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 18th Jun 2014 at 05:21 PM ----------
    You're absolutely right. My mother had some kind of ovarial condition that she thought would prevent her from having children, so she probably went out of her way to get pregnant, even though she knew she couldn't afford it.
     
    #17 BelleFromHell, Jun 18, 2014
  18. bisexualkpopfan

    bisexualkpopfan Guest

    Me too, I'm planning to be a teacher, so I'm going to be working with kids for my job! Ia ctually love little kids, they were the only people I could hang out with in 7th and 8th grade, they were nicer than a lot of the teens there lol. And I know, I feel like that's how I'll be too! Thanks for your reply!

    ---------- Post added 18th Jun 2014 at 10:05 PM ----------
    I know, it's silly to say that men can not want kids, but it's so strange for a woman to not want any >< Uh, I don't remember anything with a celebrity, but that's a shame that they started to get on her for that - Celebrities have done a lot worse than say they don't want kids, they should get on all the ones that promote drug use instead of her ><

    ---------- Post added 18th Jun 2014 at 10:07 PM ----------
    THat's exactly what I was telling my dad, you can still be a very caring person and not have kids - I don't want kids, but one of my main goals are to help people! Thank you for your response and advice, I appreciate it :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 18th Jun 2014 at 10:07 PM ----------
    That's exactly what I was telling my dad, you can still be a very caring person and not have kids - I don't want kids, but one of my main goals are to help people! Thank you for your response and advice, I appreciate it :slight_smile:
     
    #18 bisexualkpopfan, Jun 18, 2014
  19. joshy the queen

    joshy the queen
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    well most people change their minds when they move in with their partners and start their life with them but some dont
    anyway i would love to have kids im just afraid they would turn out to be like their silly queen daddy -.- i hope they dont im afraid of the whole having a kid thing because of that
     
    #19 joshy the queen, Jun 18, 2014
  20. bisexualkpopfan

    bisexualkpopfan Guest

    Exactly, exactly. I mean, if it's supposedly selfish not to have kids, then there must be selfish reasons for having children too, right? I mean, we are talking about the future generation and good parents are a necessity in having a happy and healthy generation of young people! Not everyone is cut out for parenthood and forcing someone to have kids when they aren't ready is not good.

    ---------- Post added 18th Jun 2014 at 10:16 PM ----------
    She shouldn't force you to have kids, I really don't see what's so bad about not having kids, honestly... Don't let her get to you though and have kids if you want to and don't have them if you want to! :slight_smile:
     
    #20 bisexualkpopfan, Jun 18, 2014
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