Confused and not sure what to do...

Hello all of my lovely gay brothers and sisters! I am new here, and I could really use some advice...

About two months ago, I met this girl on an online dating site. She lives in a different state, but not too terribly far, it's about a 5.5 hour drive. I feel it's important to mention, that I can't drive out to see her, because she still lives with her parents, who she says would not let me stay in the same room with her...it's just easier and less awkward if she comes to stay with me at my apartment, and she's well aware of that. Anyways, we skyped for about a month prior to our meeting the first time, getting to know each other, staying up until the wee hours of the morning...our longest skype date was 8 hours! She told her family about me, and I told my family about her. We both really enjoyed talking to each other, and it showed. We would text all the time throughout the day too, and I really felt a connection.

Then we finally met for the first time in May. She drove to see me and stayed about 5 days. Everything went really smoothly, we did all of that lovey dovey stuff, cuddling, kissing, holding hands, and even sex. I don't just get into bed with just anyone, unless I am quite certain that there is something there, and that it is going to go somewhere. It was hard to let her go when she had to go back home, but I knew I'd be seeing her again in a month as we had already made plans to go to pridefest together.

During the month long wait, for about two weeks, she continued texting me on a regular basis, and the texts were still flirtatious....you know, the whole "good morning beautiful" and "I miss you!" texts. We still skyped when we could, although it wasn't as much as before because her work schedule got a lot more busy. About two weeks before she was set to come here again for Pride though, I noticed she wasn't texting me quite as much as before...she was texting me enough, but it wasn't quite as much and I picked up on this difference. I also noticed that her texts were not as flirty as before and she typically only sent flirty texts now if I sent them first. I began to get paranoid that perhaps she was losing interest in me, but of course, I kept my distance, and did not swarm her with texts, as I did not want to appear clingy.

So Pride finally comes, she shows up, we have a great time, do the same affectionate stuff as before, make some awesome memories, and for the time being, my fears become alleviated. Anyways, we got super drunk one night, which for me anyways, makes it easier to talk about more difficult, emotional topics, and I ended up telling her that I wanted her as my girlfriend, to which she replied that I "Didn't really know her that well." But isn't that the whole point of dating and having a relationship? To get to know the other person? But, I let the subject drop, as I know she has been hurt in the past (cheated on). I figured perhaps she just needed more time, and I was perfectly okay with going slow with her. After all, trust is earned, and someone as loyal as me does not come around too often...I only wanted the chance to show her that she could trust me.

Anyway, the day comes again where she has to head back home. She stalled around as long as she possibly could before leaving, which leads me to believe she really didn't want to leave. When she left there was a lot of kissing, smiling at me in between kisses (she always has this sweet look in her eyes every time we kiss, so I really do feel as though she feels something for me) and she said she'd see me on skype. The difference is this time, we don't know when the next time is that we are going to see each other, because at this point in time, we have nothing planned yet...which makes it a heck of a lot harder to deal with the parting.

Since she left this second time now, her texting has become even less regular than it was before. I get maybe 2 or 3 texts a day from her now, and it seems like I'm having to initiate them more and more. She did text me first the other day to check up on me as I've been sick with the flu for the past few days, but usually I am the one sending the first text, and even then, it takes her hours to respond, if she even does at all. Usually she won't send me a text back anymore unless my text has a specific question in it. We've skyped like two times in the eight days that it's been since she's left, and these 8 days feel like an eternity to me. Every night before we'd hang up on skype, she'd always blow me a kiss. The last two times we skyped, she didn't do that either.

It's like pulling teeth now to get her to skype...I'm always the one asking if she can skype a particular night (if her work schedule allows). She usually says that we can try to...it just depends on what time she works, or if she's just on call, if she ends up getting called in or not. But then she doesn't get back to me half the time so I never know if she ended up having to go in or not, I can only assume that she did and that's why she did not get back to me. I understand she is busy with work, and family and friends...she is a very extroverted person, as opposed to me who is more introverted, so I get it...but I just feel like all of a sudden I'm doing 90 percent of the work and that suddenly she has zero interest in me...like if she REALLY wanted to spend time with me....she'd MAKE time...and effort.

I can't figure this out at all...I don't understand how two people can have such chemistry, and have so much fun with each other, have awesome adventures and genuinely enjoy each others company...not to mention the physical attraction on both sides... and then it all changes over the span of just a few days as soon as she leaves....it's like out of sight, out of mind. I've considered the fact that maybe I'm overreacting, but I don't think I am. I understand she's busy, but in the early days, she would text me even from work. And when she wasn't at work, she'd send me little texts telling me what she was doing and whatnot. I never know what she's up to these days anymore. And on facebook, she used to blow up my wall with funny little posts and videos and constantly tagging me in things....now that has all practically ceased almost completely.

The last time we skyped, I told her we needed to figure out what we're going to do the next time she came to visit. I suggested checking out some museums because I know she had said she had wanted to that, and she agreed, that yes she did want to check them out, but we didn't actually set up a legit time to do that yet, though she did tell me she would be busy around the 4th of July, and that's as far as the planning for that went. She didn't hem or haw about it or make it seem like she didn't want to do it, but I really have to wonder where her head is at after all of this. I'd like to discuss these future plans with her more...if I could ever get her on skype again! I don't want to discuss this change in behavior with her because I don't want to seem clingy or paranoid to her if it really is nothing...the last thing I would want to do is scare her off when we aren't even officially a couple yet...but I can't help but listen to my gut screaming at me that something has changed, and I don't know what it is or why. Part of me feels maybe she's afraid of commitment because she's afraid of getting hurt again, or perhaps she's realizing that the distance is too hard for her to deal with so she's either withdrawing from me to make the distance easier to deal with until she sees me again or....she's withdrawing from me in hopes that she can maybe just fade away into the shadows...she has plans of eventually moving to a state much much farther away relatively soon, and who knows...maybe I'm just someone to have fun with to help her pass the time until that happens, and then once she moves, she'll just leave me behind completely so she doesn't want to get emotionally attached.

At any rate, I am totally lost, confused, and I really could use some input and advice on the situation. I really felt like there was a lot of promise with what we were developing and to see it suddenly slow way down to the point where it almost feels like we are flat-lining is very upsetting. :icon_sad: Thanks for taking the time to read!

 

The thing of it, is that we really haven't been "together" that long...and I put it into quotation marks because we never really made it official...not from my lack of trying though. I basically would just get shot down every time I did bring up the "girlfriend" talk....with the same excuse every time "you don't know me" or "nobody gets close to me." Thing of it is...the last time we had this discussion (and I really wish I wasn't so drunk when we talked about it or I'd probably be able to remember more) she had made some comment about how she has this deep dark place that she doesn't show to anybody, because it needs to stay that way. She said that "every time I try to get close to someone, I have to deal with this.." So obviously she was trying to get close to me, but apparently now she appears to be stopping herself. I find it funny, because she was the one who initially contacted me on the site and wanted to see if a relationship would work. Then she pulls away. It isn't fair to just come into someone's life, make them care, make them feel things, and then just check out...without talking to them about it or giving them a reason, like they don't even mean anything to you...and I think that's what I'm struggling with the most. Part of me wants to just get it out in the open and get some damn closure, but I can't even get her on skype for one lousy hour anymore. As I said...if she really wanted to talk to me...she'd make time, no matter how busy she is...

 

I would love to talk to her about it...if only it were that simple... But she makes it impossible to get a hold of her. This is something that I'd want to do face to face, over skype...I could try to text it to her but that seems so cold and impersonal...and even if I did text it to her, she probably wouldn't even bother to respond. I sent her a text this morning, and she hasn't even responded yet, about two hours later, despite me seeing she's been active on facebook this morning numerous times. And this is what bothers me so much. She acted like she was really into me. I know she was, or she would not have bothered to spend all that money on gas driving here, or on the hotel that we stayed at during pride. We split the cost of that down the middle, but you understand where I am coming from...all that money would not be spent....if something was not there. Then she just throws it all away like I don't mean a damn thing to her. What the hell happened? The more I think about it, the angrier I get..

 

I guess I'm just confused as to how affectionate she was when she left...nothing seemed wrong. What the heck happened over the span of just a few days that changed everything? I don't get it...

 

Thank you Connie. I appreciate your kindness.

 

I always do all of those things. And every time, I just end up getting taken advantage of, like no one recognizes my good qualities. The last relationship I had, the woman was dangerously paranoid and did not trust me, never mind the fact that I never gave her any reason not to. It could be something as simple as one of her texts not going through to my phone, or one of my texts not being received by her...she'd blow it way out of proportion and accuse me of cheating. I have never cheated before in my life, so why this conclusion was always drawn by her I have no idea. Another time I was supposed to talk with her that night via yahoo messenger. I layed down to rest my eyes and I accidentally fell asleep and missed our session. I told her what happened and that I was very sorry. I had, however, been up since 4 am that morning and I was very tired. Again, she wouldn't listen, insisted that I must have been out somewhere screwing around....my response to that was where the hell would I go at 10 PM on a work night when I have been up since 4 AM? These are the kind of women I always seem to deal with. Emotionally damaged ones, who do not see my good qualities, or perhaps just do not want to see them.

 

Thank you

 

seekingcalm, I hear what you're saying...it just doesn't make sense when the person seems to be so into you in person...how it could all change over the span of a few days is beyond me...and if she's not ready for a relationship or whatever the heck the problem is...why the heck did she contact me and get me all ensnared emotionally to the point that I want to be with her, and then just blow me off? i think that's the worst part of it...it makes me think like i didn't mean anything to her...i doubt that that's true, so how could one act in such a way with seemingly no remorse?

---------- Post added 20th Jun 2014 at 09:56 AM ----------

And that's just it...I shouldn't have to sit around wondering if she'll make time for me. In the beginning, no matter how busy she was, she'd make time to talk to me, even if it was at a weird time of the day, she'd fit it in there if that was the only time that we had to talk. Now....it's more of a "yeah I'll skype with you...but only if I have nothing better to do.." that's what it feels like. It's been a week now since we last skyped. Granted about 3 of those days I was sick so I didn't bother to ask her BUT....I'm always the one asking if she works or not and if we can. If she's off a night or whatever...she never brings it up to me and asks if I want to skype. I've become her "when there's nothing better to do" entertainment.

 

Yeah, I know you're right. It just sucks and it hurts and it makes me wonder how many more times I'm going to have to go through this before I find something that's actually worthwhile. I know that I'm never going to feel better about the situation just sitting here wallowing about it. I need to be proactive and get back out there....but then I get scared because I know there's that chance I could get hurt again so I hang back.