Hello everyone, it's been a while since I've been on this site. I've been feeling kinda down and lonely lately and this is really the only place where I can be myself. not much is different from a year ago, which was really shitty. I told 1 friend that I'm gay (making it a total of 3 people). he was pretty cool about it all and he made me feel a lot better at the time. when I told him, I was pretty drunk and started crying. I don't even think I meant to tell him. I was just really depressed and words started pouring out of my mouth. I think crying was the biggest mistake because I don't want people to feel sorry for me when I tell them. it's not something I'm ashamed of. I'm proud of who I am, I was just really sad at the time because I was (and still am) extremely lonely. anyways, now he knows but it's not really a big deal. I trust him with my life so I'm not worried about him telling other people. i was just expecting him to maybe talk to me more about it. he never brings it up to me (except the one time he made a gay joke and then apologized immediately). One time I brought it up and he changed the subject right away. I mean it's cool if he doesn't want to talk to me about it, I just don't want him, or anyone else for that matter, to act like I have cancer or something. it makes me feel like that's how it will be with everyone else when I fully come out. no one will say a word about it, then someone will make a gay joke and then right after say ohh im so sorry man, followed by an awkward silence. anyways its not that big of a deal. we are not as close as we used to be. to be honest, I'm not as close to any of my friends as I used to be. I don't know why. I feel so disconnected from them, from everyone. I'm 21 years old and my life is just passing me by as I try digging out of this depressing shithole. all I want is to be happy, to actually smile because I want to and not because I have to. not one person knows how depressed I am. that's how well I hide it. the 2 people I live with have no idea that I want to throw myself infront of a train....even after I told them that. I mean, I don't blame them for not seeing something that they don't want to see. last time I told them how depressed I was it really bummed them out because they didn't know what to do or how to help me. there's really nothing they can do so what's the point of telling them how horrible I feel when it's only going to make them feel just as horrible about it. I just shut up and keep it all to myself now. I literally write notes in my phone about how I feel and what's going on in my life as if I'm telling another person. it's basically a journal, a diary. I know it's lame as fuck but it does soo much for me. it feels so good to let my thoughts out every once and a while. especially the thoughts that I can never say out loud. most of my notes are about a guy at my work that I am absolutely insanely crazy about. I've never wanted to hug and hold someone in my arms so bad. my heart melts whenever I see him and I can never seem to stop thinking about him. the only problem is I don't think he's gay. but then again maybe he is. it's a constant debate I have going on in my head. over the past year I've made it so ridiculously obvious that I really like him. I talk to him at work, asked for his number, text him, drove him home a few times (the complete opposite direction from where I was going), bought him lunch, told him he's cute, etc. the list goes on. if anyone acted this way to to me (guy or girl) I would at least suspect something. he either: a) knows that I like him and doesn't feel the same way, but still wants to be my friend, or b) he's completely oblivious to all the signs I've given him. either way I kinda just want to forget about him and move on with my life. hes really all I've thought about since I met him a year ago. and just when I think I've moved on after not seeing him for a while, I see him again and all those feelings come right back and I try to win him all over again. I'm so pathetic. Why can't I just be happy with myself? why do I need him, or anyone else? I don't know why but I will never be happy until I'm holding someone I love in my arms. I guess I don't really have any questions here. I just needed to get this off my chest and hear what others have to say. I'd really appreciate some feedback. thank you soooo much for reading. you are amaazing!
You know, as someone who has had some really fucked up relationships in the past, I can honestly tell you I'm no better off having had those experiences as it didn't make me anymore prepared to be in a really good relationship. Maybe I appreciate being happy and truly in love a little more knowing what I've been through getting to this point, but other than that they've not helped in any way. Why do I say this? Well, I've been lonely before too. I've even let loneliness be the reason I have put up with far worse treatment from people who supposedly love me than I deserve and should have. My exgirlfriend got pregnant, told me the baby might not be mine, and left me. Not all of being in relationships is as wonderful is it might seem. Are there good parts? Of course, otherwise no one would bother. All I'm saying is that most would tell you that in your romantic life, you take the good with the bad. Even though it sucks being lonely, it also sucks being cheated on, mistreated, ignored, etc. by your significant other, and these are things that happen pretty commonly. In short, I guess I'm saying try to imagine all the bad that you've avoided by being single, either incidentally or by choice. Silver lining and all that. Hope this helps a little. Chin up. This too shall pass.
Hey, I understand and I feel for you. I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't. All I can say is hope for the future and know that you aren't the only one going through things of this nature. I write notes in my phone too, because there is no one else to turn to. It's crazy how much it helps. Sometimes I pour so much into those notes I she'd a few tears when I'm typing them. So what I'm saying is, you're not alone!
Hello OP, I am kinda sorta in a similar situation. I fell for a guy who doesn't feel the same way about me the worst part is... he's gay too hahahaha but you know what? Fuck em' .... that's how life is sometimes... you gotta pick yourself up and move on. If you're not out already to your roommates... I would advise you to just do it. It would be very very helpful if they knew what you're going through and they could offer help. Sometimes it's wayyyyyyyy better to have a friend who tells you straight up how things are and don't sugarcoat anything. So yah, cry a river...get up... dust yourself off... and move on to the next one Life sucks sometimes... but it's also such a beautiful thing. Don't kill yourself please. You sound like a very nice person... and have patience, one day you will find what you're looking for. OT: I remember when I told my friend (emotionally) "I don't want anyone to think I'm worth less just because I'm gay" after coming out to her. then she sent me this: so yeah, it put me in a good mood hopefully it does the same for you.
