Hello, I'm new to this site so sorry if I make any mistakes. Anyway, I'm and hate being single but I always have been; I fear I always will be. I'm picky to a point where it lowers the chance of me meeting a guy significantly. I want some advice if that's possible. I'm 20, I'm about 5'11 with a slightly toned body. I wouldn't want to date a guy who is 6'5 and really muscular. In fact, I don't want to date a guy who is taller than me at all. Same height to perhaps 2 or 3 inches shorter is fine. Muscle wise, I don't mind him being more muscular than me. Again personality is important but I don't want a guy who is way more masculine acting than I am. I'm not the type of guy anyone assumes is gay I guess, but I'm not big on sports or anything. On the complete opposite side, I couldn't date a guy who was too feminine next to me. I guess I'm more accepting physically this way as I could date quite a skinny guy who is smaller than me, but not to the extent that we're massively different on a scale of how manly we are. I think to sum up what I'm saying is, I'd prefer to be with a guy where you wouldn't look and think of one of us to be specifically more masculine or feminine than the other. I'm not sure how anyone on this site reacts to certain words but you tend to get people who refer to one guy as "the man of the relationship" and one as "the woman of the relationship" and I think some gay guys like this too, but to me, I'm gay. I like guys. I don't want to be seen as either of those things. I'm also picky when it comes to attitudes/opinions on sex and drugs. (Wouldnt wanna be with a promiscuous guy or a guy who takes drugs) is that a big problem? So if you can give any advice on situations with other guys like this it would be much appreciated. I'd prefer you not to tell me I should be more open but please remember we're a minority and you understand how annoying it is when people suggest we try dating the opposite sex. Also, just putting this out there, I have nothing against super feminine guys nor super masculine guys. Thanks for any answers.
There's nothing wrong with being attracted to people like you. Your preference suggests that you are looking for someone with a similar build, but also a similar lifestyle to your own. Personality may be the most important part of a relationship, but physical attraction can be key as well. I'm not feminine, but I'm not super masculine either. I prefer guys who are like me. Just be patient, you'll find someone who fits your profile (probably when you aren't looking for him). Taking drugs and being promiscuous are in no way related to being a functioning gay man. Avoiding these behaviors should not impact your search for men in any negative way (unless you're into drug-taking, promiscuous men).
This is the sort of reply I was hoping I'd get but had a bad feeling I probably would not. Getting this as my first answer is great, thanks
I agree... there's nothing wrong on being attracted to a certain kind of person. As a girl, I am not extremely girly but also not on the other extreme and I am also more attracted to girls more like me (not going to lie, it sometimes goes some other way...). It is not a bad thing. And drugs and promiscuity, I don't thinks that just a "gay issue" but more a lifestyle issue; doesn't matter who you like. Most people, independently of sexual orientation would date someone with the same attitude towards sex and drugs.
Yeah that is true. Main reason this post went up is because I tried online dating. Guess what I found... 80% of the guys seem to be over 6'1 (which admittedly could be people exaggerating their height) most of the guys seem to fall into either the extremely camp or the extremely manly categories, a lot of the guys seem to be open to drugs and a lot seem to be happy with open relationships. I noticed the pattern and thought maybe I was abnormal. Is that just a thing with dating sites then or am I missing people? Thanks again.
I am greatly picky aswell, so you're not alone, and yes, I am single. I always remember my best friend saying to me "Shug, you need to lower your standards a little bit" and my reply to her was: "Well...if I don't it means I'll find the perfect one when he does come along" - call it silly, and I know he wont be the perfect 'one', but at least he'll be close!
This, I really agree with. I've liked one guy ever but couldn't be with him as he's "straight" (a lot of things make me believe that isn't really the case but it's his choice) but he was a person who covered pretty much all of the bases. I had a similar conversation with him as you had with your friend. He started dating a girl just because he wanted a relationship and I asked how he could date someone just to see if it works out. In my opinion, going on dates with someone you're not into, up until the point where you start to like them is never going to be as good as being with someone you already liked. He disagreed but he split with her just a few weeks ago but still wouldn't admit I'm right.
This may be a good read for you. The writer is a gay guy so maybe you can relate to this better. Attitude Magazine Darren Hayes: 'Having a "type" is keeping you single' » Attitude Magazine
Everything you said in your original post describes me perfectly....I am very happy to know I am not the only one. I am so tired if being alone and I am afraid I won't be able to find that perfect guy as previously described.
I think the guy in this article was picky in another way perhaps? Interesting to read but I don't think I could get over the things I am so picky about as easily as this guy did.
Oh, alright. But this could be your problem, though. Maybe you should know the person better before completely rejecting him just because of his physical appearance. But I do get you, if you feel like you are lowering your standards by entertaining guys that you are not physically attracted at first sight then it's okay. Just want to share something, I met this guy when we're taking an engineering class together. He's definitely not my type because I like boys that are extremely taller than me (I'm 5'5'' and I like 5'9'' or above) and guys that have lighter skin tone. Yes, he's taller than me but he's only 5'7'' and his skin is actually darker than mine. We talked and became friends. He invited me to dinner, I got to know him better. Now he is my boyfriend---for 3 years. Yes, I've seen guys that fit into my "type" but they are not like my boyfriend now. There's something different about him. Do you think that we would eventually end up together if I immediately listed him off? No. BUT EVERY PERSON IS NOT THE SAME. You and I are different. What worked for me may not work for you. I respect your principle that you stand by. But what I want to say is get to know the person first. You may not know but your special someone that'll make you happy for the rest of your life already crossed your path but you rejected him just because he didn't fit into your type.
I suppose some dating sites (we can't discuss specifics here) have an abundance of certain "types" and that might be what you've discovered through your research. I didn't find the way you describe your preferences as offensive to the ones excluded, or ridiculously specific like you're picking options for a new car... as far as drugs or exclusivity/monogamy being non-negotiable for you, I don't see that as being a problem either, although it rules out a lot of the "hook-up" crowd, but if that's not what you're into might as well be upfront about it. I see them as "personal core values" and I'm thinking guys with similar views will actually appreciate knowing yours.
It feels at times less like a preference as hair colour would be, but more to do with way we'd appear as a couple. I don't want him to look way more mature than me and look like he could be my father for example. ---------- Post added 23rd Jun 2014 at 09:43 PM ---------- Yeah I'm not into that stuff. Wrote that pretty close to the top on my dating profile that I dislike the thought of being promiscuous and the thought of being with someone who is.
Sometimes in life we need to look beyond what we want and focus on what we need. There is a big and very important difference. Many of the things you mentioned are justified and reasonable, rather than picky. For example, you can justify not dating a drug addict or sexually promiscuous person as it would compromise you emotional stability to be in a relationship with such a person. Wanting role equality in a relationship is healthy and mature too. On these issues there is no good reason to compromise - these are things you need. It's the more superficial issues where you may need to re-evaluate and compromise, as these are more related to wants. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with holding out for the perfect man (you want), but if you are struggling with the single life you may need to give someone who can meet your needs a chance.
I agree with thevenerable article....and this idea needs to be discussed a lot more in the gay men circles...cause I feel a lot of gay men after repressing their sexuality, they come on the other end trusting their sexuality a little too blindly. Not everything that you think would be good for you...is actually good for you, you need to test it out and be open to possibilities - I think. You can try to expect perfection...but if you will you'd better be clear with yourself about how difficult it is to attain. So you'd have to reach a point I think where you'd be like..if I can't fill this list out about a potential partner..I'd rather be alone. Which is perfectly fine...but don't be miserable about it. That's my take on it.
So you're more concerned about what other people may think about your relationship or how it may appear to them?
Partially but the main reason would be down to the way I'd feel with them. The idea of dating a guy who is way older grosses me out.
wow i'm actually in a very similar situation. i can tell you the much of the descriptions of your preferences are those of mine. i have gay friends here on my island and we have connected deeply in an intellectual level but it never goes beyond that. i have never had a physical attraction to any of them and i truly think that's important. we ma click in an intellectual and social way but i've never had the urge to be more physical with them. i'm in general similar to you. same height and general build and i enjoy the idea of being with a guy we both would be on equal terms with. i like the idea have not having to perpetuate to stereotypes (i'm sorry if i insult anyone). I'm not insanely the masculine type but i do generally like to spend my time with my guy friends. so far, i have yet to be lucky in love but i attribute that to my predicaments rather than my inability to be more open with my sexuality. i hope you find the right guy for you!
