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All alone

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by qtfm82, Jun 21, 2014.

  1. qtfm82

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    I have been feeling really down lately. I have always had pretty bad anger issues along with depression and I've spent the last several years using alcohol as a way to cope. 19 days ago I decided to get my life together and the first step in doing that was to quit drinking. So for 19 days I have been sober, and while I think that ultimately this is a good thing for me, I have been miserable. Being sober has just allowed me to clearly see all the reasons I turned to alcohol to begin with. I live in small town USA. Surrounded by a bunch of close minded people who are unwilling to even give me a chance simply because I am a lesbian. My dad is an irresponsible narcissist who only wants to be in my life when it is convenient for him and his new wife and her kids. My mom is remarried to a huge jerk who is the most frustratingly close minded jerk I've ever met. Nothing I do is ever good enough. My mom still thinks me being a lesbian is just a phase even though I came out almost ten years ago. I see her with my step dad and step brother and they have their own family that I am not part of. I don't have any contact with any of my friends anymore. I work at my moms store every day and go back home and spend my nights by myself. Everyday I seem to get irrationally angry over the tiniest, most insignificant things. I am totally alone and I don't know what to do. I scare myself sometimes because I feel like I can't control my own emotions. I know I need to do something but i don't know what.
     
  2. Undertow

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    As someone who used to drown my own depression, I think I can understand this.
    It takes a lot of strength to stop, so congratulations on finding that strength :slight_smile:

    It sounds like you are dealing with a lot in your life, and I'm sorry that it's like that for you. The feeling of losing control of your emotions is pretty scary, I get that. I'm not sure how to explain, exactly, but you can regain some control (just takes some effort, but it's totally feasible).

    Hopefully this might help a bit:

    A) Remember that you do not exist to please other people. Can you please other people? Sure, go for it. I'm just saying that it's not your reason for being. Helping others, being kind to others...that's all good stuff.

    B) Try not to allow anyone to make you feel bad about who you are (takes practice, but you can do it!). There are some pretty unpleasant people out there, but if they have a problem with you, then perhaps they aren't worthy of your time. You may have to coexist with them, but you don't have to let them get you down.

    C) When you feel like your emotions are slipping out of your control, just take a moment to understand where they're coming from. Ask yourself it what you're feeling makes any sense (I realize that emotions, by their very nature, often seem illogical...but they aren't always), or if it's trying to tell you something.

    Our emotions exist to let us know what's up. Sometimes you have to challenge them head on, and it may take some work. If you feel depressed, it could be for different reasons...it may be biochemical (oh, the confusion, I know it well), or situational. If it is situational (it sounds that way to me), you just have to adjust your situation. It may have to be small changes at first, but it can be done, trust me.

    D) Sometimes we have to step back and see that some of the cold, cruel people that we have to deal with are actually acting that way out of pain. We can try to help them, but they don't always want that help...Sometimes we just have to wish them luck and move on. I know that you typically can't remove someone from your life in an instant, but you can slowly distance yourself from them. If someone refuses to accept you, then it's usually best to just walk away (if you can).

    I know I probably sound silly with all of this, but I wouldn't say it if I didn't believe every word. You've already taken the first step by sobering up. If you found that strength in yourself, then I think you have plenty left to overcome the adversity that you're facing. I know I'm just a stranger on the internet here, but I believe in you. (*hug*)
     
  3. qtfm82

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    Thank you so much for responding. It means a lot. I just feel like I have no one to talk to. Everyone just judges or is so caught up in their own stuff that they don't have time for me. Its helpful to know someone out there understands and cares.
     
  4. jazzcourse

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    Hi qtfm82 :slight_smile:

    Undertow your post was awesome! Was good to read, so thanks. Not silly, THE TRUTH. :slight_smile:

    But I really get it, too. You aren't alone. Trying hard here to stay sober most of the time myself, and I know how that misery just sets in and stays put. It feels heavy as hell.

    Sometimes I just think, most people are in such weak spots in life, they have nothing to really offer. Afraid, in denial about the choices they are and aren't making, remorseful about past, worried about future- I think most of us are so hungry for calm, comfort, and clarity, and so people end up letting people down. I hope this doesn't sound bleak- sometimes it helps me stop taking it so personally when people hurt me, intentionally or not.

    And fuck these fools in your town. They are small minded, and will stay small in their small place. It's all they have and all they know. If you enjoying some T and A is too much for them to handle, oh fucking well! :slight_smile: Could you ever move to a bigger place close by?

    Have you read this book? "Drinking: A love Story" by Caroline Knapp. You should, it has helped me a lot. Caroline had a way different background than mine (rich!), but she is really articulate about booze. I still drink occasionally, but if I hadn't read this book years ago, I think my drinking would have ultimately and slowly crossed into alcoholism. Now I think of Caroline and put the drink down, and never pick it up. It really helps remind me why sobriety is crucial for real growth. Numbing feelings doesn't get rid of them, and drinking usually prevents the behaviors that will alter the emotions for the better over time.

    Even the rage is just a signal from some part of you. I know how overwhelming it can be- I've been feeling really, really angry lately, like I just want to smash things. I don't. I try to remind myself the anger is a signal, and I can use it instead of letting it use me. Something needs to be done to help alleviate our anger. Or many things. Right now I'm just trying to be productive and stay active and not passive, which helps keep it under control for me...

    Stay strong over there.
     
  5. qtfm82

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    It has been a long time since I've felt this bad. Only 2 other times in my life. Once about 6 years ago and I attempted suicide. After that my mom kept a close eye on me as well as my friends but after a month or two no one seemed to care anymore and I slipped back into drugs and alcohol. The last time I felt like this was about 3 years ago and I just cut myself off from the whole world and for about two months I didn't do anything but work and sit at home drinking by myself. I know that both of those times things got better but I just hate feeling so hopeless. I Want so badly to be a part of something bigger than just myself. I want a group of friends that care, or a close knit family, or a community that accepts me, or a church that does not judge. I feel so empty.