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I really, really need some help. Literally, I'm begging you to help me understand.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Typhoon, Jun 23, 2014.

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  1. Typhoon

    Typhoon Guest

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    I would really appreciate if you can help me.

    This thread will probably help explain things: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/famil...0-how-would-you-ask-your-best-friend-out.html I'm too distraught to go into details right now.

    I have absolutely shit social skills, to the point that I've never gone out with other people. I've tried but failed miserably everytime. There's someone I like who I stayed with during classes, but I wanted to hang out with him (same guy mentioned in the thread link). I'm really, really lonely and I just want someone to talk to, not about my feelings, but just being there with a friend and talking about... hell, anything. I have never had that luxury. Never.

    Before an exam we had I sent him a panicked email and more or less let slip that problems in my family where impeding my concentration, and that I have been seeing a therapist for the past six years. He told me that he barely knew me outside of the classroom and that I should speak with them about these things even though I had indicated I really wanted to open up to a friend.

    I sensed a rift in our relationship ever since. He did message me wishing me a happy birthday, and that he hoped I was doing better and I lightened up. Only one other person had bothered to wish me a happy birthday.

    Unfortunately today I was broken hearted. When I asked him today if he wanted to hang out sometime, for the company, his reply was ''if you need any notes or anything tell me, cu.'' He had returned from the beach with his friends, whilst I was rotting away at home... the way I will be rotting away during the rest of the summer whilst he and everyone else go out daily with their friends.... it just crushes me even thinking about it.

    Can someone please help me understand what he is feeling? Is he scared of me after what I told him? Can someone help me understand what I did wrong? I'm just so lonely and he's the closest to a friend I ever had.
     
    #1 Typhoon, Jun 23, 2014
  2. YaraNunchuck

    YaraNunchuck
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    Re: I really, really need some help. Literally, I'm begging you to help me understand

    I think you came on too strong. You indicated too much emotional dependence on what, to him, is a casual friendship. Don't worry, I've done the same and it happens! You'll get better at it :slight_smile:. What you should have done IMO is built up the friendship more slowly, maybe asking to hang out before mentioning any personal difficulties.
     
    #2 YaraNunchuck, Jun 23, 2014
  3. Typhoon

    Typhoon Guest

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    Re: I really, really need some help. Literally, I'm begging you to help me understand

    I did ask to hang out and he seemed quite willing although no actual date was mentioned ... but a few days later I was an emotional wreck and it slipped literally. In all 23 years I have never been as fragile as I was then, and I needed to talk to someone, and I feel like shit for being too vulnerable at the time and confiding in him.

    Is there any way I can ''repair the damage'' so to speak?
     
    #3 Typhoon, Jun 23, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2014
  4. YaraNunchuck

    YaraNunchuck
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    Re: I really, really need some help. Literally, I'm begging you to help me understand

    I understand; but we all experience awkward moments where we're not at our best: we reach out and it's not reciprocated, or we feel vulnerable when it seems like everyone around us is strong, or our interactions with others feel clumsier than we imagined in our heads. Part of being an adult, and I'm just figuring this out myself, is paying this stuff lest mind, casting it to the breeze. You have plenty of time to make this guy, or other friends, into close companions in whom you can confide. It's easier said than done, but don't take it so hard. Another thing - is embarrassment playing a role here?
     
    #4 YaraNunchuck, Jun 23, 2014
  5. Typhoon

    Typhoon Guest

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    Re: I really, really need some help. Literally, I'm begging you to help me understand

    I don't feel particularly embarrassed, I had a really bad situation at home but I really wanted to talk to someone I knew, rather than a therapist. I mean a therapist is paid to listen to you and offer advice, but I always believed that a friend would be there for you when you really need them ... and it went quite the other way around. I didn't even plan it, it just came spouting out. I've had my share of bad times, but that week had been extraordinary even by my standards.

    I just think that by explaining it to him like I did in this particular post, it would only put a wider bridge between us. Yet, putting distance even for some time, might also bridge us apart even more.
     
    #5 Typhoon, Jun 23, 2014
  6. Chip

    Chip
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    Re: I really, really need some help. Literally, I'm begging you to help me understand

    I know what that feels like. It's a real sense of aloneness and not having the connection you want and need. It sucks.

    The difficulty with not having the best social skills is that it becomes a spiral. When you don't have great social skills... people often don't want to be around you, which, in turn, prevents you from developing better social skills. So first and foremost, you will need to work on the social skills. The best way to do that is in an interpersonal skills group led by a therapist. That may sound like bullshit, or unpleasant, or something you absolutely don't want to do... but I can assure you it will make an enormous difference and give you a head start into developing the skills you need.

    It will be a lot harder to establish strong friendships and relationships without that, unless you're lucky enough to find one or two friends who will understand and be willing to point out and help you adjust all of the behaviors that contribute to the social misfires... and that's really, really unusual.

    Secondary to the above... one of the toughest issues people with limited friends or friendships have is misunderstanding the boundaries of vulnerability in friendship. When two people develop a friendship that becomes a deep and honest and authentic one, rather than a casual one, the difference is vulnerability: a willingness on the part of both parties to be completely open and authentic with the other, and a willingness to suspend judgment and listen with empathy. In other words, people must earn the right to hear our stories by showing empathy and compassion, and it is only over time and mutual shared vulnerability that this right is earned.

    So when you go to someone you don't know well, and tell them you want to share something that's deep... most relatively healthy people will recoil (if not physically than at least emotionally), because the social contract for vulnerability isn't there. Brené Brown calls the act of oversharing something that's vulnerable with people who haven't earned the right to hear it "floodlighting" and I think that's a good description. Floodlighting tends to push people away and create barriers to vulnerability. Unfortunately, those who are floodlighting usually don't realize they're doing so... and so they keep trying for vulnerability and not understanding why their attempts are rebuffed.

    I do understand the need to share things with someone other than a therapist, but in order to be able to do that, you're going to need to cultivate the sort of friendship where that's appropriate, and that takes time and practice, and a willingness on the part of the other person to engage.

    I hope that helps.
     
    #6 Chip, Jun 23, 2014
  7. Typhoon

    Typhoon Guest

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    Re: I really, really need some help. Literally, I'm begging you to help me understand

    It did help, thanks.... and I'm more or less getting why he reacted that way, but I'm still very hurt. I just don't understand because I thought we were at least on speaking terms and I'm scared that he might never want to be around me again... I feel that his texts are very forced and he completely ignored the offer on meeting up, even though he seemed interested barely a week ago.

    It just sucks because when I came out to him like that about my problems I actually felt worse, not better. I really thought he'd be understanding about that but I really didn't think, I had spent so much time with him during classes that I could not find anyone else to tell... messaging him that was a bad idea. He wasn't outright mean to me, but he seemed very distant even though I made it clear I would not have told him this under ordinary circumstances, it did not bridge the ice... I just felt (and still do) really hurt and confused. Can't he understand that I'm hurting more due to his behaviour?

    As for that interpersonal skills group, I will try that, but I can't help but feel that I'm so bad at this that I'd be an utter failure.
     
    #7 Typhoon, Jun 23, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2014
  8. Chip

    Chip
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    Re: I really, really need some help. Literally, I'm begging you to help me understand

    The point of an interpersonal skills group is... it's totally full of socially inept people. That's why it exists. So you will be with others who have similar issues to yours... some less adept than you are, and some more adept.

    So what you saw (and are seeing) is what's called a "vulnerability misfire"... basically, you reaching out and making yourself vulnerable, and his not being ready for that vulnerability and, to protect himself, puttling up a wall. That's a normal (and not unhealthy) response to someone whose sharing boundaries aren't good. It really sucks, and it really hurts the person that's "walled out", but honestly, it is one of the healthiest responses he can show. I doubt he really realizes what it feels like for you, but even if he does, he's choosing to say, in effect, "I don't really know you and I don't feel comfortable getting involved with this." And there really isn't any reasonable response to that other than "OK, I'm really sorry, I didn't realize."

    I totally get that what you're looking for is the sense of connection... which is a hardwired need we have, so that's part of why it hurts so much.

    In the meantime, what you can do is talk about what's going on here at EC, and work on finding that group and get started in it, because it will almost immediately start to provide some of the sense of connection you're seeking.
     
    #8 Chip, Jun 23, 2014
  9. Typhoon

    Typhoon Guest

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    Re: I really, really need some help. Literally, I'm begging you to help me understand

    Okay thank you. I'll try and see if I can have any success with a skills' group of the sort, would the public speaking skill type work or is it something else I should be looking for?

    I was genuinely upset because it was the first time I opened up to a friend about something downright personal. He didn't get the specifics, because he more or less indicated that I should talk to a professional rather than to him, so I backtracked in a hurry.

    Just one thing, do you think he'll let it slide over time and we can still be more or less comfortable with each other or 'friends' as pathetic as that sounds? Should I lay low for a bit and not message him for some time (such as when we start receiving results in around two weeks time and asking how he went)? I barely know anyone else and he's practically all I have, although he doesn't know. He knows I have trouble with social skills but so does everyone who tries to interact with me : /

    I know he doesn't sound as much of a friend, but he means a lot to me even if he doesn't see things that way. It's either him or nothing. Nothing is just unbearable in terms of loneliness.

    But thank you for the pointers, I'm still kicking myself at what I did but I honestly thought he would have been supportive, but it was also (and still is) a difficult time.
     
    #9 Typhoon, Jun 23, 2014
  10. YaraNunchuck

    YaraNunchuck
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    Re: I really, really need some help. Literally, I'm begging you to help me understand

    I read some more of your prior threads Duwayne, and I really feel for you and sympathise with having a tough family situation. Having an alcoholic father is not easy and I'm sure (as you know) there are many in EC who can talk to you about how best to deal with all of these issues.

    I have had a few interpersonal kinks in the past with friends, or would-be friends. Maybe, as you envisage, you should lay low and wait for results day. Then message him. That's the sort of thing I've been prone to do. If you re-engage too quickly now, he'll sense your desperation and might be frightened by it a little. It's a delicate balance. People like openness, and to an extent, being honest about what he means to you might be endearing to him. While e-messages are not necessarily the best place for that honesty, don't beat around the bush when you do message him: maybe say, 'Come on man, I really want to hang out, I'd really love to see you'. People like being wanted/needed!

    Longer term, have you worked with your therapist about getting more close friends and how to do that? Several years ago now, I too felt a bit lonely, and it's a bit annoying because the more social engagements you have, the more friends you have, the more you gain and the smoother you become socially. It's a snowball effect, and it is difficult, as Chip hinted, to expand your social circle without the confidence and 'human resources' of having existing friends. But not impossible. It takes time, but try not to be disheartened. Chip's skills group sounds like a good idea.
     
    #10 YaraNunchuck, Jun 23, 2014
  11. Chip

    Chip
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    Re: I really, really need some help. Literally, I'm begging you to help me understand

    No, no. This is specifically called an "Interpersonal Skills Group" and it is a type of psychotherapy group run by a therapist.

    Yes, and that's the classic example of a vulnerability misfire. It feels terrible, because you made yourself vulnerable and the other person didn't reciprocate. It happened because you didn't have the social contract with him to share what you shared, and he (rightly) told you he wasn't comfortable with that level of sharing. That's what the interpersonal skills group will help with... recognizing and maintaining appropriate boundaries.

    It's really hard to say. It sounds a little like he felt like you way overshared and decided he wanted to distance himself. If that's the case, then he probably won't want to reconnect. Given that the "friend" is really just an acquaintance, it should not be that difficult to cultivate another friendship. But honestly... again, that's what the interpersonal skills group is for, is helping you understand how to do that so that it's more likely to work.

    There's no reason to kick yourself. This is a skill deficit, no different than any other skill deficit. Someone who's never played baseball is going to suck at it until they work with people and have the chance to learn how to play. Developing interpersonal skills is really no different.
     
    #11 Chip, Jun 23, 2014
  12. Typhoon

    Typhoon Guest

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    Re: I really, really need some help. Literally, I'm begging you to help me understand

    Thanks Yara. The last time I broadened ''the circle'' as you so aptly put it, people did speak to me... but for the completely wrong reasons (esp. getting class notes off me since they never attend a lecture.

    @Chip, the problem is (and thankfully he doesn't know) that I don't simply see him as a friend. Over the months I got to know him I inexplicably developed a crush on him, and he's not even my type. But he was nice to me and took notice of me without me having to plonk myself in front of him the way I did with others and I'm afraid I might have ruined that.

    I'll try and find an Interpersonal Skills Group and see how that turns out.
     
    #12 Typhoon, Jun 23, 2014
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