11 years and 3 kids later, my husband is a woman

I don't think your a shallow conformist at all, don't let him guilt you. I personally am not sure how I would react because I'm not a monosexual(attracted to one gender), but I would feel cheated. I mean she had to atleast have had gender confusion for a long time, and she never told you. That is the same thing as lying. And if she cheated, she wasn't being a good spouse in other ways too. And you married a man. You are attracted to men. When your husband started to become a woman, it's not like you would think they are still the same person and decide to stop being a heterosexual, because it is impossible to stop being heterosexual. I know what you mean with the suicide comparison, although I think it's more like your husband never existed. The whole time he was just a woman trying to fit in. Odds are a good number of things about "him" where faked too, most of his masculine qualities etc...

I can't imagine how I would feel in your situation, but I know it is going to be hard. I'd love to tell you that what your feeling will go away completely, but in reality there will always be pain. But pain doesn't have to consume you, eventually time will pass, and you will find a place for that pain to exist within the whole where it won't erupt and bother you as often. I wish you the best of luck in finding that place.

 

I'm sorry about what you're going through. I'm not really experienced enough to give you any advice, but I'm sure lots of other people on here can. I just wanted to mention that when I came out I knew it might make some people upset, it was really hard for my dad, but I certainly wasn't doing it to torture them. I did it because I couldn't bear to live as the wrong gender anymore. Of course that's a completely different situation, but most trans* people I know find it very hard to come out, and definitely don't wish to torture others through being who they are. Hopefully you don't judge the whole trans* community on your experience with your husband. Hope everything works out for you! Sorry if I was insensitive, just trying to help.

 

So sorry you have been through such a terrible time, and I can only imagine, after you gave your husband so much support, how you must feel.
Please come to EC more, share with people, and get support from the many differing identities and orientations here, to help you through.
I hope the time you have with the pain you're in now is short, and that happiness and a new life for you will be waiting at the end of it.

(*hug*)

 

The compromises consisted of this basically, " you can be a crossdresser. Anything more is unacceptable" I wish I was a cross dresser. It would be so much easier to deal with a simple bedroom fetish, than a whole life change. I tried to suppress the urge to change for a long time. I didn't want to deceive you. I didn't want to lose you either. I wanted to be me and be loved for being the person I am, regardless of appearance. I never expected you to become a lesbian. I just wanted you to love me the way I loved you. Yes, I had an affair. My self esteem was down to nothing and things at home were just horrible. Even before you had a clue as to what I would become I had to deal with the ridicule of being called names I will not post here. I was defeated and feeling worthless and she swept me off my feet at a time I was very weak. We moved on though. Things were improving, I thought. You forgave me and I forgave you for what you had put me through. Then you found out I was trans...well, you found a picture of me. When you first showed me what you found, my first thoughts were of suicide. I didn't want anyone to know what was wrong with me. I felt like I had a disease that I had to hide. But then I started researching online and found all the resources and information and all the thousands of people suffering the same way I was. So indeed, I still felt like something was wrong with me. It's a dysphoria, clinically even. A mental illness. The hiding was killing me and the ultimatums after you found out and began to "compromise" were just keeping things bottled up and hidden. I appreciated you trying to deal with it and I know it was hard. I know I make things difficult. We both do. I'm sorry for everything. I should've told you when we first met but I knew, as do most of us, that means we lose. I didn't want to lose you. When it got to be too difficult to hide, I had no choice but to transition, or die. I hate the way I feel right now and every day. All the time, I feel so sad but I don't know what to do. I don't know what I CAN do and I know that if I just stay busy and keep working and try not to think about anything that at least the bills will get paid and the kids will be okay. I just want you to know that I love you. I hope you seek out more support and try to express your anger and disgust you have for me in more productive ways then just telling me how horrible a person I am. I can't handle it and it makes me think I need not be alive anymore. I don't want to spread pain around. It's not fair. Life isn't fair. It's not supposed to be this way.

 

noYour feelings are absolutely warranted and you have every right to feel anything you feel. You are/were not a bad wife regarding the situation. Knowing that you are a straight cis-female she should have known that it would cause problems and I'm not sure how she treated you afterward.

I'm sure you felt betrayed and people tend to let things slide or not say their true feelings when something happens because 1) They overestimate what they can emotionally/psychologically/physically handle 2) They are afraid to be seen as not accepting and therefore unloving, etc 3) They are totally blindsided and don't really know how to react because they haven't had a chance to actually feel yet.

I am in a similar situation in my marriage with me being the trans partner. My wife is bi and she has been supportive of me because she has seen my misery for years prior to us even starting a relationship. She knew I was different from the start because I don't act like a typical cis-male. because I'm not male. I was just born with the wrong parts.

I'm not sure how it was for your spouse, but in my case I'd rather transition and deal with that damage than commit suicide and deal that damage. I've been prone to self-harm. suicidal thoughts, and other problems since I was an early teen and the feeling of not being myself or being able to be myself has been the cause.

To me self-preservation outweighs anything else, because I've got one life. If down the road she changes her mind and we can't make it work, then we'll find a way to move past it. I love my wife too much to end up dead and have her out on the street with my step-daughter and no one to help her. If she chooses to leave I will do everything I can to help her and still be there for her as much as she will let me.

There is no right or wrong answer. There is no easy way to handle it. There is no blueprint to make it work. I totally respect your opinions and feelings and I'm sorry you feel lied to and betrayed. Some people honestly don't know the root cause, think it's not possible to be the person they've dreamed of since they were small, or were brought up thinking it's not ok to be who you are and finally realize it is ok to be yourself.

As far as moving forward for you - you just need to focus on what is right for you and your children and figure that part out. When someone comes out as much as they might hope/expect others to get it or accept it - it isn't up to them. If you're not ok with it then it is not ok and that is fine. Your feelings are every bit as important and you have every right to do what is in the best interest of your family.


As an aside - On these forums it's important to refer to people by pronouns that correspond to their chosen gender and not how they were identified at birth. It is a sore spot with many of us and I've cried or felt sick myself too many times when I hear the words him, sir, Mr. etc. I am not out or presenting as female yet so I don't correct anyone, but it still hurts. It is something that only people that don't match their birth gender really can understand, but it is something that everyone should respect regardless of their beliefs and feelings.

 

Hi Casstastrophe,

And Lynn2014 are you the actual spouse in question or giving an imagined response showing the other side of the story?

I think this is an awful and difficult situation for both of you, but it is not Lynn's fault that she was born the way she was. I cannot understand how that feels. At the same time, being a gay male myself (and therefore not bisexual or attracted to both genders) I could not continue loving someone who became a female. Like Cass, it also appears to be against my nature. In the same way that some people's physical exteriors appear to be against their natures.

Cass, your anger and upset is entirely understandable - anyone would feel the same.

You two could eventually become great friends and be morally supportive of each other especially given that you have three kids. It just appears that the relationship of husband/wife becoming wife/wife is not plausible for the two of you. Maybe you guys need to come to terms with that. Wow, this situation looks really painful for you both. I hope it works out for each of you and you can come to fully respect for each other, as spouses or not, and that you both find happiness, together or not.

 

Yes I'm the actual spouse of casstastrophe. I really want us to get along regardless if we are together or not. The fighting has to stop. I was google searching today and texted her a link to a post on this site. An hour or so later, she texted me back a link to her post, so I had to respond.. I'm glad she's finally reading stuff like this though. I really think it helps to air your frustrations and just plain VENT sometimes to an open forum full of strangers. But we are all going through similar yet unique experiences. The support is necessary and I hope she keeps posting and questioning and reading the stories of other people. And thank you all for your input

 

Sorry to tell you that, but I think you should leave her. The man you loved never existed. The person she is being right now is her true self and if you can't accept that then, I'm sorry. She was lying to you and everyone else because she was trying to fit in the role she was given since her birth, not because she doesn't love you. I don't consider myself trans, but I've read enought about it to know that transgender people feel horrible when they're lying to others about their gender and by what you've told us, it seems to me that one cannot be happy without the other being unhappy, so I believe that the best solution is for you guys give up on your relationship. The man you think she is never existed, it as a woman in disguise trying to have a normal life without being judged. Yeah, I know I'm too young to understand this sort of thing, but I thought that I had to give my opinion on this. Sorry for being mean.

 

Hello, Casstastrophe, I understand how you feel and your anger but I understand Lynn as well.
It's not easy for an outsider to imagine how does it feel to live in a wrong body but let me tell you that according the statistics 41% of people who are transgender or gender-nonconforming have attempted suicide sometime in their lives. Why do you think is that?
I'm not a fully transgender, just a non-binary, but what I went through during my teen years felt like a nightmare and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I hated my breasts growing to the extent that I hated anyone, even a doctor, to see my chest naked. I was screaming and crying. My period was giving me panic attacks. I was paralysed in a way so I wasn't able to go to the bathroom and change my pad so I ended up with my pants soaked through with blood many many times. I cut my hair myself that they were only 2 millimetres long, etc.
Body dysphoria is a shit and sometimes it's so severe that some transgenders feel like taking a knife and cutting off all the unwilling parts of their anatomy and stuff.
What I wanted to say is that I believe that Lynn's been transitioning out of necessity not because she doesn't love you. I understand it's hard for you to see it that way when you're hurt. I wish you and Lynn all the best. (*hug*)