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Bi Girlfriend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by HBI, Jun 26, 2014.

  1. HBI

    HBI
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    I'm in a LDR with someone in a foreign country. We haven't met yet. She's much younger than me, and as only dated men up to this point. I'd hardly call her experienced in the dating world. She's only dated two guys for less than a year and she's 30. She says they weren't serious relationships and she never gets attached to anyone, but she said I'm the exception. I'm the first and only person she's truly had feelings before. I was so happy to hear this. I also thought it also meant she was no longer attracted to men.
    Then we were talking and she said she was equally attracted to men and women. In my head, I was OK with it, but when I let it set in, it made me physically sick. I find the thought of being with a man repulsive and I don't want to be with someone who thinks it's OK to be with them. I even told her I was OK with it, but as it sat with me, I realized I'm not. I'm physically disgusted by her attraction. The problem is, this is the best relationship I've ever had. I'm older, and have never been shown such love and care before in my life. Is there any suggestions for reconciling this? I love the girl, but her attraction turns me off. Also, is there anyone who thinks it was a dick move that she didn't tell me earlier. Knowing her, it wasn't an intentional omission, but she did ask if I would still date her knowing she is bi. I said yes, but now I'm not so sure. If it helps when we talk I feel the same about her, it's her attraction that turns my stomach. I want this to work, so please offer suggestions.My ego is also bruised because I thought I her liking NE meant she wasn't into guys anymore because of me.
     
    #1 HBI, Jun 26, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2014
  2. peonie

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    I think that you need to let her be. If she loves you and is attracted to you, what difference does it make that she also likes men?

    I think that if you were to have a physical relationship and actually met, something like that wouldn't hinder your romance.
     
  3. Toast

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    Communication is key in relationships. PErhaps you could let her know that you don't understand her attraction towards men, but politely, and, remember, she doesn't view you as a man, she doesn't expect you to date a man, and she cares about you.

    Think of your repulsion to her attraction like this: Maybe someone you care about has a really weird mole or birthmark on his/her face. You hate it. You're disgusted by it. You wish it wasn't there. But you don't care for the person any less because of that mole, that something you can't change. You still care for the person, because he/she has so many more amazing qualities and characteristics.

    Let your ego heal too. We gay people always say we can't change our orientation. It's set. She feels for you, and you feel for her. She may still think some men are attractive, but remember, she ventured into the realm of lesbian dating FOR YOU. See? You didn't change her orientation, but you did open her eyes.
     
  4. HBI

    HBI
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    Thanks to both of you. That's really sound advice, and I'll try to follow it. I expected to be met with some harshness because my reaction is visceral, but I'm pleasantly surprised, and I appreciate that.
    I'm still bugged that I didn't know until recently. I don't know if she kept it from me until she knew I was hooked in her, or that she figured I assumed she was bi. I care about her so much, but it's hard now. All I hear in my head is, I like men too.
     
  5. Ned B

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    I don't know how long the two of you have been together, but some people take a while to be comfortable with telling some things about themselves. I was several months in before I was comfortable talking about past sexual experiences.

    Bisexuality is still sometimes not received well, even among lesbian and gay people. She may not have been ready to tell you. Even my boyfriend has told me that he probably wouldn't have started dating me if I was bi. On the flip side, it is possible that she didn't think it was important to say right. Either way, I don't think that her keeping it from you was in any way malicious.

    Try to think of her attraction to men as being not that much different than her attraction to other women. Fact is that we all can't help continuing to be attracted to other people once we get into relationships. She can't help who she finds attractive. As long as she never acts upon any of them, it probably won't have too much effect on the two of you. If it helps, you can ask that she not talk about her male attractions for a while to give you time to adjust.
     
  6. HBI

    HBI
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    Thanks. We've been together nine months, and I agree. I don't think it was malicious. I never gave her any reason to think that I'd have a problem with it. She knows I have lots of male friends, but I never revealed that I would find the idea of her being sexually attracted to men distasteful. It comes down to me asking myself if I can get past never wanting to be with someone who was attracted to men. I'm goldstar, and my preference is for the same. I know she had dated men, but I liked her so much I didn't care. I need to find out if I can accept her maintaining an attraction for them.
     
    #6 HBI, Jun 26, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2014
  7. stocking

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    I think you shouldn't right her off because she's attracted to men , I think you too should talk about it and she sounds like a lovely person , I have felt this way recently I met this girl that I liked and found out she use to enjoy having sex with men and it bothered me I was disgusted by it it just made me feel insecure but , I think it's best to talk about it .
    I say you need to look at her as a person and for who she is and not who she slept with or is attracted too . I think communication is the key here .
     
  8. Rumpletubb

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    One thing you forget, bisexuals don't want to have sexual relations with people when they say the are attracted to two sexes. It's about being ABLE to. We are just like straight or gay humans, once we are in love, only that person matters. Just like straight or gay, our orientation doesn't change just because we love someone. I've been in a relationship with a woman for 5 years, and I'm still bi. After 5 years, I still do not want to be with someone else.

    As for how I think you should proceed. If she makes you feel so loved, get over your fears. For your sake, and for hers. You apparently love her, which makes it so unnecessary for your biphobia to ruin everything. She's chosen you above all other humans out there. Remember that, and feel overjoyed!:slight_smile:

    Love is all about taking a leap into the unknown and risking your heart. Don't waste it, follow your heart. Brains can be enormously stupid sometimes!:slight_smile: