I'm only hurting myself, I think?

i do EXACTLY the same thing with my girlfriend. I guess it's just a side effect of loving someone that much. I have dreams that she's cheated... (although not far wrong, see my other thread) and wake up feeling emotional and angry. I think the cure is just learning to trust more. Although it's hard, it's opening yourself up fully. We all have a kind of defensive shield, constantly thinking of the worst case scenario to protect ourselves from getting hurt should it actually happen. We'd probably have much happier and healthier relationships if we opened ourselves up to the possibility of being hurt and enjoyed what we had.

 

I wish I had the answer because it's turning me into a paranoid wreck!

The worst thing for me is that I do trust that she won't cheat now. Like I really really don't think she would. But then I can't help but think if she was to go away for a weekend and get really drunk then something might happen. It's unhealthy for me to feel like I can't let her out with her friends because of that. Ugh.

Do you know where the feeling of lost trust comes from in your relationship? Is there history there?

 

I read that hypnosis can treat this kind of a problem but I have no idea if it's really effective and if it's safe.

 

I think a lot of people are like this myself included. When you have these really strong feelings for a person you are basically giving them the power to hurt you if they so wish and it makes you feel really vulnerable and fragile. Love is scary I get the same kind of dreams, but I think you should let that person know, they can comfort and reassure you more than anyone else can. I think when it comes to love people tend to over think and over analyse everything and so when that person is having an off day or a bad day and they are not as affectionate as usual you start thinking that something is wrong and your mind is all over the place.

If you had the kind of mindset that if he/she was to cheat then you wouldn't want to be with them anyway then it wouldn't be so scary to actually think about those possibilities. I also think in relationships people get really dependant on that person for their happiness and it's like they completely forget about what they were like before they met that person and that they can actually be okay if they were to be without that person again.

 

I don't think my advice has been very helpful but for whatever reason I seem to be drawn to your threads so here goes.

I think the biggest reason that this keeps happening is you really do love him that much and have already experienced the pain of losing him once before. I believe last time you said that it was a mistake on your part that lead you to break up -- is it possible that you think he doesn't have the same level of confidence in you that he had the first time around or that he's not going to take it as seriously now? I can certainly understand how you might jump to that conclusion, but I don't think it's accurate. He re-entered a relationship with you because he cares about you, because you make him happy. Sometimes it's important to take a step back and understand that he wants this to succeed -- he's not looking for a way out.

I think I've said it before, but the best weapon you have for combating this is your knowledge that your fears are irrational and not based on reality. If you truly believed that he was cheating on you, chances are you'd accuse him or say something you really regret. But you don't -- you can control your reaction. I know it still sucks to have the possibility even creep in to your mind, but I don't think it's all that unusual. Maybe you're just a thinker like me. I know I'm always wondering what's really on someone's mind or what they're not telling me. I think it's fairly normal to speculate on those things or consider different possibilities...you just can't assume that you're correct.

I think what peonie said is accurate: this is kind of a defense mechanism. Since you already knows how it would feel to lose him, you're constantly imaging different scenarios that could lead down that path again because subconsciously you want to find a better way to cope should that happen. Obviously I can't tell you what the future holds, but I reiterate what I said above -- your boyfriend probably has similar fears of his own but he's not searching for an excuse to break up with you. I'm sure there have probably been plenty of times where he's kicked himself for saying the wrong thing or worried that you're not on the same page. You just have to have faith that you both want your relationship to work and then it becomes much easier to deal with the rest.

Perhaps I'm way off base here -- it's hard to judge without knowing much about you -- but it sounds like he's basically your whole world right now and I think that's too much pressure to put on your relationship. You said that your paranoia usually kicks in when he's not around or you're not talking to him. There has to be something to fill those gaps other than just questioning what he's doing or counting down the minutes until you have the opportunity to connect with him again. Talk to a good friend that you can open up to or pick up a new hobby -- just find something because if your mind isn't stimulated at all it's very easy to wander off in a negative direction.

Good luck, I hope you're able to put the past in the past and try to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship.

 

My girlfriend is the same way as you are. Her feelings DID match yours perfectly but with time, it got better. We were only one year older than you are now, so you are not a lost cause!

The best way to deal with this is to be open about them with your partner. Tell him everything, but be extremly clear that this is not what you actually think or feel. He will understand (otherwise, dump his ass) and help you through it.

You need to focus on keeping a positive attitude and to trust. It's easier than it sounds, I know, but to trust your partner is the key in every relationship. He chose you over 7 billion people, and that's not going to change so easily.

So, talk, think and trust. The three T's. It's hard, but with good communication and you showing that you're trying, it will resolve itself and probably help you even if it doesn't work out this time (hopefully you will live happily ever after!).

Good luck and update on Ups and Downs!