I apologize for the length of this but I've been kicking it around in my head for awhile and I have no one I can talk to because they either know one or both parties involved and I feel there are biases there or I am just outright too anxious or embarrassed. I am married and have been for 4 years now. We total 8 years together. We don't have children. My spouse is in the military and has spent the better part of our marriage away from home. Being asexual as I am (even before I realized it) there was never any temptation so I am extremely faithful. He and I have our issues unrelated to his job and it's all begun bothering me enough that we're not as close as we used to be. Figuring out who I am as far as my orientation and my gender identity hasn't helped as he is on my list of people I am not really comfortable coming out to. I do have several online friends that I consider to be very close. One person in particular I consider my best friend and she also regards me as her best friend. More than once we've talked about how we've worried about if a time would come when I would move on and stop talking to her and vice versa and assured each other that that would never be the case. We would always be friends no matter what. We would always make time for each other. I have never met her in person but we talk for many hours each day either via instant messenger or over the phone. Later this year I am supposed to be taking a trip to finally see her in person. She is also in a relationship with someone and has been for several years as well but they have no children either. Lately I feel like the relationship has shifted. We tell each other often that we love each other but it's hard to tell if it's said in a purely friendly way or something more than that. Occasionally there are jokingly flirty comments. She is bisexual and while I am asexual I am open to the idea of a romantic relationship always (and willing to make compromises for the other person). I have no doubt that I've grown from loving her as a friend to loving her as much more than that. But I am terrified to say anything. I don't know if she feels the same way about me as I do about her. If we were both single it would be different but I don't know if she would consider leaving her boyfriend for me. It wouldn't be like we would drop everything and run away together. We're both in school and we both said we were going to focus on that and not on the fact that we both have strong concerns about things with our respective partners right now. I already had plans to move closer to her even before I felt this way but now I want to even more. I'm just so scared that I will scare her away or make things terribly awkward if I open up and tell her my true feelings. I wondered if I should do that when I see her in person and can give it some time to see if she shows any cues then that she might feel the same way when we're together then. Above all I don't want to jeopardize the friendship. That would be the underlining thing. But I don't know if just giving voice to my feelings might irrevocably alter the relationship forever. I'm basically saying "yes, I am aware that I have a husband and you have a boyfriend but despite that I'm in love with you and maybe we can plan in the future to be together". That instantly makes me feel horrible. But then I feel like it's not fair to myself if I am trapping myself in a situation I'm not happy in and ultimately my husband wouldn't be happy in down the road. But I don't want to drag her into a place where she feels guilty about her boyfriend even if she tells me often how she isn't happy with him. Whenever he upsets her or he is inconsiderate of her time and feelings or outright does things that border on cheating behaviour I want to yell out "I WOULD NEVER DO THAT IF YOU GIVE ME A CHANCE". But I don't think I can so I don't. We seem to be in the same place where we love them dearly but we have issues with them and don't feel like we want the same things in life as our current partners. At the same time I am scared that my time frame is limited because her boyfriend asked her if earlier in the year if they wanted to get married and I feel like my window is closing. She didn't feel like his drive to actually go through with it was strong enough to plan a real wedding so they were going to go to city hall and have a small party. He's also extremely flaky when it comes to commitment. There's also the point where she says she wants to have a child down the road when life allows for that to happen and I feel the same way.. but of course it's much more difficult for two women to have a child so maybe she wouldn't be comfortable with me because she wants a natural birth with a man. I don't know. We've never discussed that. This isn't television, I know. This is real life and this is the most important relationship in my life right now. And in my case I'm talking possible divorce. So.. I'm very scared about all of it. Should I even bother or should I try and make something of this marriage even though I'm not happy and leave her be and just hope that one day maybe we can live in the same town and continue to be good friends? It's eating me up inside more often than not lately and I really could use some advice. Thank you for reading all of this and I appreciate any and all commentary!
